


Before it Falls

by Bonniehae



Series: Before it Falls [1]
Category: Pandora Hearts
Genre: All OCs except for Elliot and Leo, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Homophobia, M/M, OCs - Freeform, Pining, Slow Burn, So many OCs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 80,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26447761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonniehae/pseuds/Bonniehae
Summary: A modern Elleo AU set in a gay conversion camp in northern England. Written months ago in deep quarantine because yeah.DISCLAIMER: This work is MOSTLY ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, full disclaimer in the author's note inside.
Relationships: Leo Baskerville/Elliot Nightray
Series: Before it Falls [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024819
Comments: 24
Kudos: 14





	1. Sunday 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to you all, welcome! So, this was written in like early April (when I should have been studying for my exams), and I didn't plan on publishing it. So that's why, as the disclaimer says, it's ALL OCs EXCEPT ELLIOT AND LEO. I know it's a turn off, I don't usually do this, but here it felt right. The info on the practices of these "conversion camps" come from research and acquaintances, and I do have a vague knowledge on how those work because of my general environment, but here it's quite played up for the drama. Disclaimers over, I hope you enjoy it!

**Sunday**

His first thought was that the place looked idyllic. Green as far as the eye could see, grass and fields and forests spreading on the sweet hillsides, and in the background the reassuring protection of the far mountains. Despite the summer heat, a slight breeze was flowing through the air, making the unusually scorching noon sun almost bearable. His second thought was that he just heard the noise of the car starting again. They hadn’t even said goodbye to him. He turned back and saw the tail of the car darting on the dry dirt road, followed by a cloud of beige dust and the unmistakable roar of luxury. He didn’t quite have the time to realize what had happened, but he was there now, and he was there to stay. Trying to relax as best as he could, he tightened his grip on the handle of the suitcase, walking over to the patio in front of the stone church, where a small group of people was already gathered.

Once he was close enough he noticed the deep sense of uneasiness hovering on the paved ground, tainting that idle sight around them. Not that he was relaxed, so he could only imagine his discomfort adding to the already distressed air. Some people turned to watch him with slight curiosity, because of the car, he decided, but nobody gave him too much attention, everyone worried with themself. There wasn’t much to be curious about, they were all there for the same reasons. Different threads of the same cloth. He stopped at the edge of the strangely ordered group, waiting for something, whatever that was going to be, to break that discomfort. A girl who hadn’t noticed him before turned in his direction, interrupting the conversation she was having with a boy, and made his way over to him. Before he could ask what was going on she greeted him brightly.

-Nice to meet you, I’m Joanne!

Elliot was stunned for a good second, getting instinctively defensive by the suspiciously serene tone, but his manners brought him to introduce himself as well.

-I’m Elliot Nightray – he answered, trying to sound at least normal if not confident, and she smiled.

-Welcome – she said, crossing her arms on her chest, her dark brown eyes shining cheerful. Elliot was confused, what did “welcome” even mean, why would he be welcomed there? Was she an… instructor? She didn’t look like it, she seemed to be around his age. A boy appeared from behind her, short and scrawny, with a pair of glasses so big they completely covered his eyes, as if the long, thick black hair wasn’t enough.

-Hey – he greeted, much less chipper than she was. Joanne turned to him and smiled.

-Hi Leo – she answered, before turning back to face Elliot – Let me introduce you to Elliot.

The boy called Leo gazed at him for longer than Elliot was comfortable with, then stretched his mouth in a mocking grin. Elliot felt at the absolute centre of attention, and it wasn’t fun.

-These pansies keep getting richer…

Elliot couldn’t stop the redness creeping up to his cheeks. Any other day he would have had a comeback ready, but that was a weird day, and he didn’t have enough spare energy to think. Luckily Joanne had his back.

-You calling other people pansies is so hypocritical. First of all, Elliot here might not be gay, second of all if trees had a dick you would try and suck it.

Elliot was caught by surprise. She was definitely not an instructor, she was a participant. She didn’t have the patronizing tone of an instructor, and she definitely didn’t use good catholic words. But why was she so nonchalant about it? In the meantime, Leo snickered quietly, as if Joanne had complimented him.

-That’s fair – he nodded, before looking up to face Elliot, still grinning and crossing his ankles nonchalantly – So? What brings you in this hellhole? Gay? Trans?

-I’m… - Elliot tripped on his own words, the question was so crude and the context so unusual. But it would have been inconsiderate not to answer – Uhm… I’m not trans, no…

-See? Pansy – Leo commented looking at Joanne, who huffed and shook her brown hair in resignation. Elliot clenched his jaw, firing up as he usually did, but before he could say anything to that boy somebody exited the church. It was a fairly young man, a priest, judging from his clothes. He reached the centre of the patio, as if he wanted to be surrounded by them all.

-Young, lost lambs – he greeted them in a sickeningly sweet voice, and Elliot had to fight back a grimace. What kind of greeting was that? The reality of that place started to sink in, and the suitcase was immensely heavier in his hand. He was at a “bible study camp”, as was written on the flier. His alleged homosexuality had to be exorcized like a demon that was possessing him. And that man was going to do just that.

-I see we have some new faces here – he said, scanning the small group of people scattered on the stone patio, each one more uncomfortable than the last – And we also have some old ones – he concluded, eyes sliding over to Joanne and Leo next to Elliot.

-Always a pleasure, father Philip – Joanne answered, sarcasm so clearly perceivable in her voice that somebody widened their eyes in surprise. The priest stretched his lips in the most forced smile Elliot had ever seen.

-You will be cured too, Joanne.

He didn’t even give a second look to Leo, who didn’t seem bothered by the choice at all, uncrossing his ankles.

-Come inside – he invited them, entering the church. Everybody looked at each other, uncertain on what to do, but Joanne quickly followed Philip, and everyone walked behind her, as if they had instinctively identified a leader. The church was lovely: small, built in light stone and quite well-lit. There weren’t a lot of benches, but the altar was on a big platform to the far side, with some chairs arranged in a circle in front of it. Philip sat down, giving his back to the altar, and gave and explanatory gesture towards the rest of the seats. Joanne sat down about a quarter of the way in, while Elliot followed his instincts, which told him to sit as far as possible from Philip. Leo seemed to follow his line of thought, because Elliot ended up sitting next to him without even thinking about it. Leo leaned back on the chair and took advantage of the noise to talk.

-Are you hitting on me?

-What?! – Elliot flinched, and Leo scoffed.

-Blimey, I know I’m a pretty little thing, but…

Everyone had found a seat and there was silence, so Elliot couldn’t risk an answer that he so desperately wanted to give. That boy was stacking up snarls, and he was gonna get back to him. But his thoughts of revenge were interrupted when Philip sighed, assuming a disgusting inspired look and gazing the ceiling of the church.

-You are gathered here – he began, not bothering to look at them – To find the path you have lost, and to lose those… tendencies made up by your young, imaginative minds.

He finally looked down on them.

-You all think you are “naturally” the way you are. Well, that is not true – he smiled indulgently – And I know you’re confused and perhaps you don’t believe me yet, but I’m sure that after this experience you’re going to embrace the truth of my words.

Elliot felt a chill down his spine. He was confused, terribly so, he had grown up hearing how homosexuality was an illness and as so it was to be cured, but he couldn’t help but feel… things, sometimes. He didn’t think he was making that up. Philip gazed round the circle.

-I’m also aware that one of you has this childish thought to be “in the wrong body” …

A face got pepper red, and Philip noticed.

-Is that you, darling? – he asked, gazing in that direction. They looked down, embarrassed.

-You have to know that God doesn’t make mistakes, so you just have to find your true self… What’s your name, darling?

They gulped.

-Alex – they answered, but Philip shook his head and smiled.

-Your given name, I don’t care about silly nicknames.

-Alexandra – they reluctantly whispered.

-Good, because we will call you Alexandra.

Alex lowered his gaze, still as red as before. A surge of defensiveness spread in his body, and he immediately knew that Alex was a boy and he was going to treat him like one. He knew nothing about gender identity, he had difficulty understanding his own sexuality, but that behaviour was disgusting and he didn’t seem to be the only one left astonished by the priest’s words.

-Why don’t we go around introducing ourselves – Philip suggested, looking at the girl who was sitting down beside him – I’m father Philip, I will be your spiritual guide throughout this journey, and you are?

-My name is Rose – she whispered, and Philip touched her shoulder encouragingly.

-Go on…

She looked at him as for an explanation, and Philip sighed.

-What is your sin and have you consumed it?

What the hell did “consume it” even mean? If she was a lesbian virgin? What kind of question even was it. Rose blushed and fumbled looking for words.

-My… sin is that I’m… bisexual. And I have not… consumed it, I guess.

Philip nodded, apparently approving of the interpretation of “consuming”, and looked at the girl sitting next to her, who uttered basically the same sentence much quicker, as if to be done with it. Soon after Joanne stated “I’m a lesbian and I’ve consumed” with no hesitation, and Philip pursed his lips in a disproving expression. Before he could set his mind on what was going on came turn, and he cleared his throat. He wanted to be done with it.

-My name is Elliot and… I might not be straight. I have not consumed.

Philip smiled, looking very pleased by his answer, but Elliot saw Leo morphing in a confused expression. It was only the second time in his life in which he admitted to himself that he was not straight, and it was all in half an hour time. When Philip looked next to Elliot his satisfied expression crumbled, and Leo seemingly took it as invite. He grinned.

-My name is Leo and I’m too gay for this, and as you very well know, father, I’m all but chaste.

Philip had the face of someone who ingested a lemon against their will, and Leo seemed very amused with the outcome of his words, spoken with an authentic, mocking London accent. Everyone in the circle was frozen, even Joanne looked shocked. Maybe he went overboard. Leo did not apologize nor he showed any trace of regret, but Philip chose not to answer. The round of introductions ended with a few wet eyes and a lot of awkwardness, but Philip didn’t seem to notice or care.

-Lost youths – he almost invoked them, and again Elliot had to restrain a grimace – You are now in a safe place, where you will reconnect with God and He will heal your confused minds. Don’t worry, the devil finds himself everywhere and God forgives those who truly repent. I will tell you, you’re not going to hell, as long as you truly repent.

The smile would have looked sincere, if it wasn’t for the cold, calculating eyes of the man. Elliot again felt the chills.

-Daft twat – Leo whispered close to him. Elliot bit his lip, uncertain if to smile or to protest, but his gesture didn’t go unnoticed.

-Something funny? – asked Philip, but he wasn’t looking at him as much as he was looking at Leo.

-No, sir – Elliot answered anyway. Philip ignored him completely, focusing on the other boy, who scoffed irritated.

-What, I can’t even look around now?

-I don’t want you to be a negative influence.

-A negative… This is ridiculous, I’m-

-Leo, don’t challenge me – the pries almost growled.

-It’s nothing – interjected Elliot. He didn’t mean to defend Leo, not more than he would have defended anyone else, and he surely didn’t deserve any favours from him, but everything was good to against that man – Really, I did everything myself. It’s just… the pressure.

Philip finally tore away from Leo to look at him, and his expression softened.

-I advise you not to get close to him, Elliot – he said, in that awful patronizing tone of his – You don’t want his influence.

Minutes later, Elliot was throwing his suitcase on one of the bottom beds, looking at the sheets. They were white, hospital white. Not very welcoming.

-So, you really are hitting on me – he heard a voice coming from behind him. He turned and saw Leo, leaning against the bedroom door, looking amused. Elliot wasn’t understanding and it must have shown, because Leo got closer to him.

-The top bed has been mine for quite some time – he explained, grazing the sheets with a slender, pale finger.

-Does it bother you? – he asked, a bit of harshness in his words.

-Uh, I stirred the rich pansy – Leo mocked him.

-Don’t call me that.

Leo whistled and leaned back on the wood.

-Touchy.

Elliot didn’t answer and opened his suitcase, Leo still watching him from the side. Too gay, he had said during the introductions. If he said so. But then what was he doing there, and why did Philip seem to hate him so much?

-You really are rich though – Leo commented, looming over his shoulder to brush the t-shirts in his suitcase. Elliot shrugged, there was no use denying it after all.

-Quite so. Is it a problem?

-No, as long as you’re not a spoiled rich daft – replied Leo, pulling out a Ralph Lauren polo and looking bewildered at it – Really, a polo shirt? You think you’re at a bloody country club?

-Did I do something to you? – Elliot impolitely asked, snatching his shirt back.

-You look like someone who is gonna suck up to Philip – Leo sighed. Elliot had the vague impression of other people filling the room, but he was too concentrated on Leo to pay them any thought.

-I don’t know what your problem is, but I wanna get out of here.

-And you’re gonna kiss his arse? Typical of you rich kids…

-You look like the last bloody person to judge what other can and cannot suck, you buftie slag.

Leo looked shocked, a bit red, and Elliot immediately regretted it. He had no idea where that had come from, he didn’t often use that kind of words.

-I… - he began, unsure on what to say.

-Go fuck yourself.

Leo climbed on his bed, and Elliot finally noticed that all the eyes in the room where on them. Truly an amazing start to an amazing adventure. Everyone started undoing their suitcases in silence, tension still hovering in the room.

-Don’t you think it’s an awful idea? – said a tall, lanky boy with red hair, who had said he was gay without thinking too much about it.

-What? – asked another boy, Richard, if he remembered well.

-Putting all the gay boys in the same room. As all the girls, obviously.

There were shared sounds of assent, and a laugh coming from the bed above his.

-He doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes – said Leo’s voice. He was lunged over the iron bar of the bed, observing the room – It happens quite often.

Elliot shivered lightly. It did sound like an awful idea, and he was really convinced that this “bible study camp” was not going to be effective in suppressing his alleged homosexuality.

-Maybe let’s avoid it when we’re all together? – the boy from the beginning giggled.

-Seems fair – the other boy who still hadn’t spoken added. Adam, was he?

-What about you, straight person?

Elliot looked up and met Leo’s challenging eyes.

-You’re gonna bring a straight girl here and have lots of straight sex? All that penis-in-vagina action… Gets me chuffed.

The boy from the start chuckled again, but Elliot didn’t look away from Leo. He didn’t want to break the gaze. It became the most important thing in his life for those seconds. For a moment he noticed his eyes behind the glasses, and they looked like black wells.

-I agree – he said in the end, looking down. He wouldn’t have given the victory to Leo, but he only wanted to get away from there, and try his best to avoid conflict. He wasn’t very good at that, but at least for now he wanted to try his best.

-What’s your name? – Leo asked to someone in the room.

-Me? Gregory. And you’re Leo, aren’t you?

-Precisely.

-The priest glared at you the entire time – Adam observed.

-Old grudges – Leo shrugged – I can’t seem to pray the gay away.

Gregory outright burst in a laugh, but the other boys didn’t seem as amused.

-You don’t really think you’re going to pray the gay away I hope.

-No, of course – Adam sighed.

-The cheer up, think of this as a vacation in the lovely Yorkshire countryside!

-You know, Leo – Elliot couldn’t help but say – I don’t want to speak for everybody, but my parents do not want to speak to me until I’m cured. This is not exactly a vacation.

-Ditto – answered Adam with a sad smile. Elliot looked up to Leo, and found him looking back at him. His expression was indecipherable.

-I suppose you’re right – he finally sighed, tearing his eyes away. Elliot couldn’t hold back a grin, basking in the satisfaction of victory.

The door suddenly opened on Philip, and the room was thrown into silence. Elliot heard Leo getting away from the iron constraint of the bed, and from how the structure creaked he guessed he laid down. Philip studied all five of them, taking his time on every face. He felt his icy eyes on him, and it was the most unpleasant feeling, like an itch you can’t reach.

-I heard you talking – he explained, cold, looking over at Leo.

-What, we can’t talk now? – asked Leo, sounding ticked off.

-I’m not going to put up with your attitude much longer…

-We were just introducing ourselves – Richard said, and Philip looked at him for a couple seconds before going back to Leo

-I don’t want you to influence these people.

Elliot heard Leo sitting up on the creaky bed.

-I didn’t do anything!

-Stop! I won’t…

-It’s true – Elliot confirmed, looking at Philip. He felt all the eyes on him, except Leo’s.

-Mr Nightray – Philip said, waiting for him to continue. Elliot heard someone quietly gasp. He hoped he was going to be unknown, but that didn’t seem to be the case.

-We really were just making introductions – he specified, holding Philip's ice gaze. After a few seconds his expression softened.

-When you’re done come in the main room.

Once he said that he headed out, leaving the room in silence. A few seconds later Adam and Gregory followed him, whispering to each other and glancing sideways to him, and Richard followed them in silence. Elliot didn’t have any rush to go out, and he unfolded the same shirt for the seventh time. He heard Leo climbing down the bed stairs and made space for him. If Leo was going, he really had to go too.

-I suppose you’re not a total arsehole – said Leo. Elliot turned up and looked him in the eye.

-You’re welcome.

-I don’t like you anyway.

-I’ll try to cope with it.

Leo flashed a smile for a second and headed towards the door, but he stopped right before stepping out.

-Don’t lower yourself to be Philip’s guard dog.


	2. Monday 1

It was the first actual day of the conversion camp, but the formal prayers had just ended and it was also raining, so everyone found themselves back in their own rooms. Elliot had taken a warm, long shower, taking advantage of the fact that nobody felt comfortable enough to shower at the same moment yet. It was nice though, because the bathroom was empty, so he had plenty of time to look at himself in the mirror. He looked just the same as he always did, just his hair was wetter than usual. He put his studs back in. Why did his reflection look so odd then? He didn’t belong there, he knew that, he was not gay. At least, he never did anything gay. No that was a lie, he’d never done anything gay in real life. He had… looked into it, a bit, and that was why he ended up there. He blushed vividly at the memory, cursing mentally at himself in the mirror. Why was it so hard to deal with it? Why did he notice some guy’s legs instead of the boobs his friends pointed at? Fuck, it was like hitting puberty all over again, but much worse. He huffed and put his clean clothes on, before getting out of the bathroom and going back into the bedroom. As soon as he got in Richard got out, probably to the bathroom. He did not protest, but he couldn’t help but notice that that left him and Leo alone in the room. Leo was sprawled on his bed, reading a book. Speaking of noticing things, he really looked skinny like that, wearing clearly oversized clothing. Why did he even notice that?! Elliot sat down on his own bed and roughly rubbed his hair with the towel, hoping to rub something else from his brain along with it.

-Stop.

Elliot looked up at the iron framing of the bed above his.

-Stop what?

-The noise.

Elliot furrowed his brows.

-The noise of me drying my hair with a towel? – he asked, sarcastic, and as always ready to throw hands. Or words, if hands were not a viable option. The bed creaked and squeaked, as Leo’s face appeared from the railing.

-Yes – he simply answered. He had his hair pulled back, leaving the face uncovered but for the glasses, slightly lower than they should have been.

-I’m not making any noise – Elliot protested.

-You are, or I wouldn’t have asked you to stop – Leo said – I’m trying to read.

-It must be high and mighty literature for you to be distracted by the noise of a towel.

-For your information – Leo said, reaching back and showing him the book – It is.

He was holding a copy of “The Catcher in the Rye”. Elliot couldn’t help but be surprised, and he heard Leo’s sigh as he retired back on his back.

-What, you thought I only read porn magazines or something?

-No – Elliot answered, holding back an annoyed scoff.

-I’ve been putting this book off for a while, so I’d appreciate if you let me read in peace.

-Look, you talked first – Elliot sighed, laying back on the bed – I was just drying my hair.

Leo didn’t answer, but Elliot wasn’t done yet.

-It’s almost like you don’t really wanna read that.

He clearly heard a creak, and that was all the encouragement he needed.

-I hated it.

He heard a loud scoff and a stifled laugh.

-I’d say you’re too daft to get it, but honestly, yeah – Leo said – It’s so boring. And masturbatory.

-I know… - Elliot answered, a smile creeping on his face. He was glad nobody could see him – Not every classic is a good classic.

-Yeah… - the other boy sighed, and he heard a thump as the book fell down the bed on the wooden floor – I usually love these kind of books, but this is unbearable. Oscar Wilde never let me down.

-I don’t know, De Profundis was quite… intense.

-Bosie was intense – Leo corrected him – And poor Oscar had to let everything out. Maybe you really are too daft to understand the philosophical implications of great literature after all.

-I’m not – he snarled – And “poor Oscar” had a wife.

-Of course he did, do you know what year it was?

-Yeah, but he didn’t have to cheat on her like that, he could have been more honest.

-Would you have been? – Leo asked, and Elliot had to stop and think about it for a moment, so Leo spoke again – I sure as hell wouldn’t have.

-Maybe – he said – Still, didn’t love it.

-I suppose you’re more of a Dorian Grey man – Leo sighed.

-That was better – he agreed, glad to find common ground again – At least it had, you know, a plot.

-Did you know it’s partly censored?

-I didn’t know that – he admitted – But it’s not surprising.

-No, not really. Such a good book.

-Not as good as The Importance of Being Earnest, but still.

He started talking without thinking, just keeping the conversation going, happy to talk about things he liked. Not that he was book crazy, he mostly liked old adventure novels, but good poetry always got him. And with the education he had been gifted, he didn’t shy away from talking about more classic works.

-Come on that has to be hours concours – Leo laughed – Best queer play ever.

-Well, that’s arguable.

-With what?

-Edward II.

Leo took a sharp breath and hummed pensively.

-You do raise quite a good point.

-I know.

-And I raise you Hamlet.

-Going in the subtexts I see.

Elliot was getting so into the conversation he totally forgot he was damping the pillow with his hair.

-Let me answer with Romeo and Juliet – he decided to say.

-That is not subtext – Leo protested – Anyone who thinks Mercutio is anything but a hopeless pansy must be blind.

-Word – Elliot agreed – But Shakespeare should be hours concours too.

-I once read somewhere that Shakespeare is “dick jokes and gayness in a trench coat” and honestly? You could say that about me too.

-You know what is good classic? – Elliot suddenly said, trying to stir the conversation to a less risky department, knowing he was rowing further from his area of expertise – 1984.

He wasn’t sure why, but he had started to feel uncomfortable talking about that stuff with Leo, he needed to go back to a more neutral field.

-Yes that is so good! – Leo immediately answered – I also loved The Old man and the Sea.

Elliot nodded before realizing Leo couldn’t see him, and he let out an assertive sound.

-You don’t look like a big reader – he observed. He didn’t know how they’d gotten in that conversation, but it was one of the nicest conversations he had had in a long time. He rarely met someone with a literary view as fleshed out as his own.

-Is it because I sound like a Cockney ignorant peasant? – Leo asked, with a voice that totally sounded like he was smiling and a way exaggerated accent.

-No, just because… I’m not sure – Elliot admitted – You just don’t look like it.

-I could surprise you again – Leo joked – And you don’t seem to enjoy deep novels.

-Not all of us are theorists.

-I’ll let you know I’d really love to study literature going forward – Leo sighed. He sounded a bit too hopeful to simply be informing him.

-So do it. Have you applied anywhere?

-I wish – he answered – It costs money to study, and I can’t exactly conjure money from the air.

He would have liked to keep the conversation going, but in that moment Gregory and Adam made their way into the bedroom, and Elliot knew instantly it was over. He wasn’t sure what had happened, but it just flowed naturally, talking to Leo, no matter how badly he treated him the day before. He had already surprised him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I promise you, it'll get more dynamic really soon, really soon... See you next week! Or sooner, I don't know.


	3. Tuesday 1

-Elliot.

He turned away from his book, and noticed the majority of the room was staring at him. Adam and Gregory were sitting on Richard’s bed together with him, and they were looking at him like an alien. Only Leo was missing, and he knew he was laying down on the bed above his.

-Yes?

-When the other day Philip called you by your surname…

Elliot closed the book, holding back a tired sigh.

-Nightray… Nightray? Like, the very rich, Scottish Nightray?

-My father – he muttered. It was incredible how many people knew his name, it wasn’t like his father was famous, they were just rich. And he wasn’t even in Scotland, why did they know him?

-Wow…

-Who is what?

Elliot gazed up and saw Leo, curious, looking at him. He usually was happy that people didn’t address him with his fame, but he was eager to let Leo know who he was messing with.

-He owns a company and invests in property – he explained, laconic but not without a hint of pride.

-He owns everything – Gregory sighed, still stunned – You must be so rich…

-Greg! –said Adam, sounding the right amount of offended, elbowing him on his arm.

-You must be pretty well-off – Greg corrected himself, but Adam didn’t seem satisfied.

-I am – confirmed Elliot. He never knew how to talk about it, he couldn’t say “yeah I’m very rich”, it didn’t sound polite, but he had no will or intention to deny the truth.

-Why are you here? – asked Richard. Elliot furrowed his eyebrows, waiting for the follow-up – I didn’t think the Nightrays would send their son in a place like this.

-They suspect I am… not straight – he explained. He couldn’t bear himself to say anything more – And they want to prevent any scandal.

-Bloody hell – Leo scoffed. Nobody seemed to notice him apart from Elliot, and he was confused. What did he mean? Was he surprised that he was rich? No, he guessed that pretty soon, the moment he saw his suitcase.

-I’m so jealous –whispered Gregory.

-It’s not bad – Elliot admitted – Until they start yapping about family name and the disgrace of homosexuality, and so on.

-Oh – Greg whispered, his cheeks tinting pink – I’m sorry.

-It’s not your fault. It’s actually fun most of the time. I have a nice car, I dine in nice places, I have a seaside residence. I don’t know the feeling of a Primark t-shirt on the skin.

Gregory chuckled, relieved that he hadn’t offended him, and Elliot turned back to his book, as politely as he could. The others went back to talking to each other, and he had just picked up where he left off when he felt a tap on his leg. He looked up and saw Leo, who had come down from his bed, look around like he thought they were being spied on.

-Come to the kitchen, I want a snack – he invited him. It didn’t sound like an invitation as much as a coded message.

-I don’t want anything…

-Just come.

He didn’t know what was going on, but something in Leo’s eyes told him he should follow him. Instead of trying to understand why, he closed his book and got up, following Leo outside of the room. The kitchen was far away, close to the dining “main” room, and they had to walk outside to reach it, but Leo didn’t speak the whole way. Why was he following him? Better not to think about it. Once they were in the kitchen Leo didn’t even bother opening the fridge, he just turned around to face Elliot, back to the counter.

-What’s going on? – asked Elliot, defensive. Leo took a big breath.

-Are you gay?

Elliot furrowed his brows.

-What kind of a question is this?

-Back then, you said you parents suspect you’re not straight. It’s a long turn of phrase for “I’m gay”, and I realized I haven’t heard you say you were gay once.

-I don’t know if I’m gay!

Leo raised an eyebrow, and for a moment Elliot had the feeling he was being judged, but every bit of reason flew from his mind as Leo suddenly grabbed his shirt and kissed him. Elliot felt his skin boil, his lips pressed against the other boys’ in a chaste but undeniable kiss. He parted from him and saw Leo’s eyes: wide open, bright, stunning indigo eyes, as surprised as his own. What was he doing? Leo got on tiptoes and kissed him again, this time not stopping at a brief peck, but deepening the contact, slowly moving his lips against his. Elliot caved and responded to the kiss, out of his mind, fire under his skin, fog in his mind. It was sweet, it was good, and feeling him breathing in his mouth was… He grabbed the edge of the counter, leaning forward, and felt Leo’s hands on him, his tongue gently pressing on his lips. He broke the kiss, panting. Leo was also breathing heavily, his eyes uncovered were glistening with something Elliot couldn’t quite place. Leo pulled Elliot towards him and he gasped coming in contact with Leo’s crotch.

-You’re gay – Leo whispered.

-For the love of- – Elliot panted – I just met you, you can’t…

-And yet you’re already hard.

-I never kissed a man before.

Leo looked surprised, even worried for a second.

-I didn’t think…

-You didn’t know it. And…

-We can keep doing it if you want.

He barely had time to finish the sentence that Elliot went and kissed him again. Leo answered enthusiastically, throwing his arms around him. Adrenaline was rushing through his veins, getting to his head, scrambling his thoughts in a dizzy mess. Leo pressed his tongue on his lips once again and this time Elliot let him in. Leo let out a soft sigh in his mouth, and despite everything his reasonable side was shouting he couldn’t help but feel aroused. Terribly aroused.. He pressed Leo harder against the counter, grabbing his hair, and Leo moaned softly, sliding his hands under Elliot’s t-shirt and stroking his back. What was he doing? He didn’t know him; he didn’t even like him. And Leo didn’t like him either. What the hell was he doing?! They were in a kitchen, in the kitchen of a church that was holding a conversion camp, he couldn’t seriously be making out with a boy, that wasn’t right, no, that was so wrong. He broke the kiss and stepped back.

-No – he whispered, trying his best to recollect his thoughts – This is wrong, I don’t even like you…

Leo looked so much different than usual, flustered, hair messier than ever, mouth agape in awe. There was a flash of something in his eyes, something Elliot couldn’t care about in that moment.

-Then piss off – Leo breathed, sounding as distraught as he was. It seemed like a challenge, but Elliot wasn’t up for a challenge. He turned around and made his way out of the kitchen, determined to get to the bedroom as quickly as possible. He needed time, he needed to be alone. He didn’t even notice Joanne until she called out to him.

-What happened? – she asked, looking sincerely worried. Elliot stuttered, he pointed to the kitchen but in the end decided to shake his head and keep on walking. He couldn’t explain it if he tried.

He finally reached the room. Gregory and Adam were playing cards on Adam’s bed, and Richard was already under the covers. Nobody glanced at him for more than a second, and he was glad it was that way. He threw himself on his bed, not even bothering to get changed. What the hell had happened. He kissed Leo. For a long time. With his tongue. And it made him feel things he had never felt before, it was for sure not the same as kissing a girl. His body reacted in such a way, he didn’t have real control over his actions, over his thoughts. A series of all but acceptable images flashed in his mind, and he was choked up for a second. Everything about that kiss was better than any other he ever gave o received. His tongue, warm, velvety, sweet inside of his mouth, caressing his own so gently, his finger intertwined in that long, soft hair…

He took a shaky breath. That was not it. It couldn’t be it. He had to sleep it off, everything was going to be better tomorrow. It just had to. As if they heard him, the lights turned off, leaving him in the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, as per usual! Yeah, it was sooner than a week, because these were really short chapters (like a thousand words for literally one kiss. Yeah). Welp, let me know if you're liking this so far, we're just getting started!


	4. Wednesday 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, some kinda violent and graphic descriptions. Nothing too bad, but still.

He woke up because of a blade of light pressing on his eyelid. As it usually happened, he immediately forgot what he was dreaming about, but found himself acutely aware of a couple of things. He was dressed up, he was not under his covers and he was having an erection. He immediately got under the blanket, jeans and all, hoping nobody had seen him in those conditions, and turned to face the wall. The memory of the night before dawned on him, making him bite his lip at how it was interacting with the situation in his pants. He could not allow himself to be aroused. He slowly reached down into his jeans, and he barely held back a moan. He was hard, no doubt. And that was, so to say, a nuisance. He couldn’t help himself in that moment for so many reasons, but he decided it was mostly because he didn’t want to stain his jeans nor the covers. He would have had to explain it, and God knows he didn’t want to. He had to think sad thoughts, bad thoughts. He turned on his back, staring up at the iron net just above him.

-Elliot – he heard from the last voice he needed to hear in that moment. He froze in place, not moving a muscle – You up?

He didn’t move, he didn’t even breathe, he stayed as silent as a corpse. He heard a sigh and a creak, and imagined Leo turning in his bed.

-About what happened. That was… nothing personal. Forget about it.

He didn’t answer, and Leo didn’t say anything. Nothing personal, sure. He didn’t like him, he made that plenty clear, and obviously Elliot didn’t like him either. But how could he forget it? And at the same time, how could he believe that it really happened? It didn’t even seem real to his memory, if Leo hadn’t said it he would have probably ended up marking the events of that evening as a nightmare. But was it a nightmare? Elliot remembered once again all of the sensation that had flowed in his body, all of the thoughts that crossed his mind, the feeling of being embraced by Leo, his scent, his taste… It certainly didn’t feel like a nightmare, despite how painful it was to admit. And it was nothing like doing it with a girl, his body reminded him. And that was it, right there, the physical reaction he had had while kissing another man, that was how kisses were supposed to feel. It was right, it felt right, but the idea was just… excruciating. Everything he ever feared was coming together in front of his unblinking eyes. All of those doubts that he tried to exorcize by changing girlfriend once a month, all of his towers were coming undone.

The alarm on Adam’s nightstand started ringing and somebody groaned.

-Turn it off – Richard muttered, voice hoarse from the sleep. Elliot turned to the rest of the room and saw Adam reach for the device and turning it off.

-What day is it – asked Adam, the alarm clock clutched to his chest and still not getting up.

-Wednesday…

-Oh no – whimpered Leo in distress, sitting up – Not Wednesday…

-What happens on Wednesday? – Elliot asked, watching as Richard kicked the bed above him to wake Gregory up.

-On Wednesday…

-What? – said Gregory, just woken up by Richard’s efforts.

-Let’s just say it’s a bad day – Leo sighed getting down from his bed. As soon as he heard him climbing down, Elliot sat up to avoid his eyes. The situation in his lower regions had just settled down, he didn’t want to risk sprouting it back up by looking at Leo first thing in the morning.

-Elliot?

He turned to the voice, and saw Gregory sitting up, light red hair tousled.

-Did you fall asleep like that?

-Uhm… yes – Elliot hesitantly answered, looking down at his wrinkly clothes, fumbling to think of an excuse.

-It was a bet – Leo said, interrupting his thoughts and sounding perfectly convincing – I didn’t expect you to actually go through with it though – he concluded, glancing at him.

-I’m a man of my word – Elliot swiftly answered, shrugging. He didn’t expect Leo to go and defend him, but after all he owed him, he defended him twice already and everything that had happened the night before was his fault. He couldn’t quite see his eyes, covered from the glasses and the hair, but he could imagine they were looking intently at him. Did he know what he had done? Did he understand the effect he had on Elliot?

-What the hell kind of bet was it? –asked Richard, reaching for the t-shirt at the end of his bed.

-A stupid one, obviously – he answered. Leo shrugged.

-You choose next time, betting master. I suppose all that horse racing your privileged bum attends makes you an expert – Leo said, going to their shared closet. Leo had surprisingly long legs, he noticed as he bent over. It wasn’t the only thing he noticed, but he mentally choked himself before even acknowledging what it was. Luckily he was distracted, since Leo came back and hurled something at him, something that Elliot recognised as a dress shirt – Second part of the bet.

For real? What a bastard. Since he first saw that bedroom he had decided that not only he would have avoided the polo shirts as much as possible, but he definitely would have never ever worn one of this dress shirts. Including that Boss dress shirt. For what God forbidden reason would he ever have worn a tight white shirt? Why did he even bring it? But he already said he was a man of word; he couldn’t back down at that point.

-Really Leo? – Gregory asked, twitching his nose – This is a punishment for us all.

-I wouldn’t say punishment – Adam corrected. Elliot was confused. What were they saying, what did it mean? He looked at Richard in search of support, but didn’t find any. Leo laughed and leaned back on the iron framing of the bed.

-He brought a white dress shirt, Greg. How could I let this opportunity slip?

-We get it, I got the wrong idea – he surrendered, standing up from his bed – Can I go to the bathroom?

Nobody replied, and that was confirmation enough for him to get out of the room. What kind of conversation was that? He took a quick shower, trying to wash away the remainders of the night before, hoping the cold water could make him forget. Once out of the shower he looked at himself in the mirror, hair wet, dark bags under his eyes for the troubled sleep. He looked at himself as he would a stranger, he didn’t recognize the face in the mirror. He took a deep breath, and he saw himself mouth a tentative “I’m gay”. Just watching his mouth curl around those words hit him like a proverbial wall of bricks. It was devastating, it was like a storm that had come to ruin all his crops, except he always knew the storm was coming and he was just an idiot for planting bloody crops. He was on the verge of tears, but he was not going to cry alone in a bathroom like in a musical.

He put his shirt on, leaving the very first button unbuttoned to not die of overheating in the unusually warm day. It was a long-sleeved dress shirt, and even if it was 100% cotton handstitched by virgin maidens, which it wasn’t, it would still be going to be hot as hell. Maybe Leo would have accepted if he only wore it through the morning, he really didn’t want to have lunch with it. Even breakfast sounded scary. He sighed, looking at himself one last time. He couldn’t stay there for too long, it wasn’t a hotel, so he picked up his things and headed back to the room. He already had his fingers on the handle when he heard his name, and he stopped on the spot. Were they talking about him? He moved closer to the door, trying to hear what was going on inside.

-Think of it as an opportunity.

-Opportunity for what? For feeling bad about myself?

Those were definitely Gregory and Adam, but what were they shouting about? He was sure he heard his name before.

-At least tell me it’s not going to be skin-tight…

-Have you seen his shoulders? Everything is tight on him.

Were they talking about… his shirt?

-You guys are so bloody horny – Leo laughed. And of course, the temptation to punch himself in the face was strong, for he had no right to recognize his laugh in a heartbeat.

-Oh, you hypocrite – uttered Gregory, it had to be Gregory, Adam couldn’t get so high up – Don’t raise yourself on a pedestal, you fucking pansy, this was your idea.

He felt a minuscule surge of pride. Was he so appreciated by the males of that room? He passed his fingers through his hair and opened the door, and the chatter immediately fell. He paraded in front of his and Leo’s bed and opened his arms, aware of the buttons tightening, and spun around.

-You like what you see? – he asked, feeling himself slip in an accent – I’m gonna die of overheating.

Leo didn’t look surprised in the least, in fact he was smiling mischievously down at him. Elliot noticed a drop of sweat running on his neck, and had to blink to not get distracted.

-I like it very much – he answered, crossing his legs. Elliot huffed and sat down on his bed to put his shoes on. Richard got up and almost ran out of the room.

-Excuse me – Adam said – What brand is that?

-Hugo Boss – muttered Elliot awkwardly – I got it altered though.

-Of fucking course – he heard Gregory comment.

He felt Leo sitting down next to him, to put on his shoes as well.

-Don’t mind them – he whispered so that only he could hear him – They’re all as gay as the bloody flower bunny.

Elliot barely held back a smile. Despite what had happened the night before, for some reason, whatever reason might it be, he couldn’t hate Leo. He just couldn’t bring himself to hate him, he couldn’t feel anything but embarrassment and blatant inadequacy. He shook his head and got up. What kind of thoughts were those? What was getting into him? He grabbed and shook his shirt, desperately trying to not make it stick to his skin to little success. He was already feeling the heat. He got out of the room in the direction of breakfast, and when he heard Leo following him, because it clearly was Leo, he mindlessly slowed down so that he could reach him.

-Did you really have to?

Leo giggled and muttered something that Elliot didn’t understand.

-What? – he asked, sincerely confused. Leo laughed.

-Of course I had to! You’re so bloody rich you brought a dress shirt! It suits you though.

-I know that. And don’t speak London to me.

-I don’t do it on purpose, Scottish jerk. You don’t even sound Scottish ninety percent of the time. Are you really Scottish?

-I am – he answered – But I learned proper English, unlike some people.

-Speak Scottish to me – Leo provoked him, grinning. Elliot thought about it for a moment.

-How no ye shut yer geggie, dunderhead Sassenach?

Leo looked at him quizzically.

-That was brutal – a voice with a thick Irish accent commented, and they turned around to see Cadhla walking towards them, snickering behind her hand. Elliot greeted her with a playful grin.

-What did he say?! – Leo asked, urgent, flying his gaze between them. Elliot looked at her, eyes pleading for silence.

-I ain’t gon tell ya – Cadhla laughed – I’m all for bashing the English. Didn’t know about your outsider origins though – she added, looking at Elliot. Leo scoffed irritated.

-Because he’s a posh kid. He speaks like a BBC announcer.

Cadhla kept laughing as they approached the dining room. When they entered Elliot felt watched, and for a second he wondered why, before he remembered that he was dressed like he was going to an interview. He sighed and made his way to his usual spot, next Joanne and Cadhla. He glanced at Philip, who looked at Leo more than him, as usual, in quite a menacing way. Leo, for his part, looked nonplussed.

-Didn’t know it was a black-tie kind of day – Joanne mocked him without malice, and he sighed.

-It’s a bet – he answered, looking at Leo who was comfortably talking to Alex just a few seats away. Joanne patted his shoulder.

-That’s how he always is – she reassured him.

-For what it’s worth, you look nice – Cadhla said. Elliot thanked her and he sensed some sort of itch on his neck. He turned to see Philip, who was now staring at him. He froze in place, trying not to look uncomfortable as he avoided any and all contact with those eyes. He looked like he knew. But he couldn’t, could he? Truth be told, Elliot thought he wasn’t above putting cameras everywhere, but he didn’t want to believe it. The other two boys made their way into the dining room, soon followed by Angela and Chantel. Once everyone was sitting down at the proper place Philip stood up for his morning prayers.

-…Help these lost lambs to find their path, and make so that they can hear you, and that through your love they find peace…

It was disgusting. Everything was disgusting. Elliot believed in God, he always had, and he wasn’t going to stop because of him, but it was just terrible to hear those words in that context. That could not be what God wanted. God didn’t give a flying herd about people’s sexuality.

-Help them not to fall to their carnal desires, and help those who have fallen to repent.

He got chills down his spine. But he couldn’t know. Then why did Elliot feel so called out? Because it was a call out, and he was foolish to deny it. He had “fallen to his carnal desires”, even if for a handful of minutes. He kissed a boy. Whom it just so happened to be Leo, he reminded himself, looking at him. Maybe he should have thanked him, in a way. He helped him truly come out to himself. Once Philip had finished rambling they all said their desolate chorus of amen and sat down to eat.

-Today is going to suck – Joanne sighed, putting one single slice of ham on her plate.

-Yeah, Leo said that too – said Adam, sitting on the other side of Joanne – What’s happening today?

-I would tell you – she groaned – But that would just make you dread it, believe me. Just know it’s gonna suck, and get ready for an astounding amount of cringe. Mister dress shirt here was unlucky, losing a bet today.

Elliot heard himself being thrown in the conversation and paid more attention.

-Why?

-Just believe me – she said once again – You’re gonna want to burn that.

She started eating her ham and didn’t say anything more. Elliot turned to watch Cadhla, who was attacking a generous bacon sandwich, and decided that wasn’t interesting. He found himself looking at Leo, and noticed that he wasn’t eating basically anything. Not that he remembered him eating much, but he was fasting right now. It was going to be a strange day indeed.

Once they had all finished eating, Philip spoke again.

-Today we are going to face the true face of your perversion – he announced with gravity – And to do so, I will need to keep the males and the females separated. If Adam, Elliot, Gregory, Leo, and Richard would go to the church and sit down, I will tell the girls what to do as they wait for their turn.

The boys got up at once and walked out of the room. The tension was palpable.

-Joanne said there’s something to worry about – Adam said to Leo – Will you just tell us.

-No use – he shrugged, face pale as a ghost – Just be happy we’re the first turn.

The church was dark, all the lights turned off, and there was a screen in front of the altar, with five chairs waiting for them. It was ominous to say the least, Elliot thought as he crossed the room. He sat down on one of the middle chairs, and found Richard on his left and Gregory on his right. Leo had sat down as far from him as possible, on the other side of the row. The air was heavy and the tension weighed on them. After a couple minutes of silence Gregory huffed loudly.

-What is this? What is going on, why is this all so weird?

-Take deep breaths – Leo said, trying not to sound scared and failing – And remember that we can’t pray the gay away.

Just as he finished that sentence Philip entered the church, and quickly reached them at the altar. He scanned them, one after one.

-This morning our program is… to make you understand that your physical desires are not right. And in doing so I hope you will see the error of your ways. I beg of you to remain composed – he said, biting the words and looking at Leo – Someone here knows the price.

Leo tore his eyes away from him as soon as he finished talking. Philip nodded and walked to the back of the church. Elliot was so nervous he was choked up, he didn’t know what was going to happen but it felt serious, nothing to do with the prayer sessions of the days before that. He knew that everyone else was feeling the same thing. Philip turned on the projector.

And Elliot didn’t quite understand what was going on in front of him. Sure, the projector worked, and sure the screen was showing stuff. Just… he couldn’t quite make sense of what it was. Or better said, he could but his mind refused to give meaning to it.

-What the actual fuck – Gregory said, voicing his thoughts. He didn’t say it loud enough for Philip to hear him, luckily, but Elliot almost felt the same sentence coming out of his throat, and he would have pronounced it if he had any strength to do so.

On the screen, right in front of them, on the screen put up in the church was a gay porn. A hardcore gay porn, one of the bad ones. Not that Elliot had this vast experience of gay porn, he might have watched one or two, only the “romantic couple” ones though. Not… whatever that was. It was disgusting, and yet the disgust was overridden by simple confusion. That wasn’t right, why were they watching gay porn in a church? He tried to look around, even if tearing his eyes away from the screen was hard. His gaze crossed with Adam’s, who probably had had the same reaction, and they shared a united expression of bewilderment.

-Eyes on the screen – Philip voice slithered in his ears, and he saw him, he came back up, and he was looking at them. He gulped and forced himself to look back at the screen. What was there to see? They were fucking on a desk. It looked painful and messy. But after the shock had washed away, the only feeling left in Elliot’s gut was the very first stage of arousal. He felt his stomach starting to collect warmth, and a surge of shame filled his insides and reached his throat. How was he getting aroused by this? Suddenly the actor finished all over the other one, and the image rapidly switched to one of torture. Elliot could barely hold back a whimper, the switch had been so jarring, but he heard Richard yelp next to him. The man on the screen was being flogged and was screaming for dear life, and everything in Elliot’s mind shattered. Soon after the screen went back to showing another sex scene, and Elliot started to make sense of the situation.

It was terrifying. Cruel to say the least. He didn’t have the concentration to look at the others, he was captured by the screen and he was horrified. Every so often the scene switched to a torture scene, and they kept getting worse, he saw nails being torn off and skin being peeled, alternating with gay sex scenes. His body was confused, it didn’t know what to do with itself, and Elliot tried his best to think of other stuff, to think of home, of flowers, of cats, of good books, of music, but he stopped when he realized that the more he thought, the more he was going to remember this. So then tried to not think, he tried to get swept by the images, but that made his body cry for help. His stupid flustered body didn’t know how to react, and Elliot every second the perfection of the plan made itself clearer in his mind. How was he ever to think of sex without getting nauseous? The worst part was that it seemed unending. When he thought he couldn’t bear the torture images anymore it switched back, and as soon as he didn’t want to look at the screen for shame it switched back again to terror. It was the worst thing he ever experienced, and he felt a single tear fall from his eye to his cheek. He didn’t have the strength to touch it, but he sensed Philip’s gaze on him.

After what could have been years, the screen turned off, leaving them in darkness. Elliot was taken by the sudden urge to vomit, but he remembered he couldn’t get up and stayed put, as Philip walked back to them. Nobody said a word, Elliot didn’t even dare to look at the others, in fear of what he could have seen.

-I am very proud of you – Philip said, sugary sweet – None of you got up, and almost nobody ever looked away from the screen.

Elliot tried to regulate his breath to avoid throwing up right then and there.

-I don’t think I have to add anything – he continued – I hope you will remember today’s lesson. You can go, you have free time until I call you.

Philip made his way out of the church, and Elliot stayed still. One second, two seconds, he tried to breath normally. He heard somebody get up. Three seconds, four seconds, deep breaths. Five seconds, six second, no, there it was. He got up and almost ran outside, without noticing anything he passed. He couldn’t make it to the bathroom. He limped down by a tree not far from the church and puked everything he had in his stomach, feeling it burn on its way out. He didn’t even have time to be disgusted by the sensation, he just had to get everything out. After discarding all of the breakfast and maybe some dinner, he found himself trying to breath. He couldn’t swallow, and he cursed himself for not having water close. He spat on the grass and tried to get back up, holding the tree for support. He was trembling, the world was trembling also. He felt a hand on his back and he turned so quick he almost scared himself. There was Leo, pale and shivering, and he was handing him a glass of water.

-No shame, I did it too the first time – he reassured him, voice hoarse, but he didn’t sound nearly as shocked as he was. Elliot didn’t know if he was telling the truth, but he nodded and accepted the glass, trying his best to not make it fall down. He was trembling so hard it required sincere concentration. He cleaned his mouth and sipped the water, as he leaned back against the tree, since his legs didn’t seem to be able to correctly support him. He wasn’t sure why he came back for him, he couldn’t be the only one in those conditions, but maybe he just felt guilty about the night before. Still, he wasn’t going to complain.

-Why? – Elliot asked, surprised at how hoarse he sounded. He drank another sip of water.

-Let’s get away from here first, shall we? – Leo chuckled insincerely – I need a fag.

Elliot nodded and leaned away from the tree, balancing himself on unsteady feet. He blindly followed Leo a bit down the hill, close to the nearby woods, and when Leo sat down he was more than happy to give him company on the ground. The breeze cleared his mind a bit, but once the fog dissipated the reality was so disgusting he almost longed for the mist to come back. Leo took out a lighter and silently lighted the fag already in his mouth, and Elliot put out a shaky hand. Leo flashed a weak grin as he gave him another fag and his lighter. Elliot was not a smoker by any means, but sometimes the idea of something to do was enough.

-Is it okay to smoke? – he asked, his voice sounding more normal. Leo shrugged.

-No, but Philip loosens the leash after that – he answered, blowing smoke out – And I generally don’t give a fuck of what isn’t okay to do.

Elliot nodded and opened a couple of buttons of his shirt. Joanne was right, he wanted to burn that.

-Where are the others? – he asked, looking at the scenery in front of him, the landscape of the green countryside and the rare sun shining down on them.

-Gregory made it to the bathroom, Adam was with him. Richard got up first, I think he went to bed. I got up last, I wanted to brass Philip off.

-I’m sorry you had to see me like that – Elliot sighed, finishing his water, still not looking at Leo.

-I said no problem. Greg wasn’t in a better state, he just ran faster.

-Why did he show us that? – he couldn’t help but ask. Leo laughed without any joy.

-How do you feel?

-Like shit.

-Yeah, that’s it.

The sentence hovered in the air, and was taken away by another gust of wind. Leo’s hair tousled slightly, but he didn’t seem to notice, staring in the distance.

-You get why I didn’t tell you? You wouldn’t have believed me.

-I’m gonna burn this thing – Elliot snarled, opening the shirt halfway and getting it off from his head. Leo whistled.

-Hold your horses jock, I’m still gay.

Elliot put the fag out on the ground, and laid down, eyes open looking at the sky. He felt the cold grass tickling his naked back. It was nice.

-I feel like I might throw up again – he said, and he meant it. The images he just saw flashed back in his mind and it was basically a gut punch. Leo scrunched his nose.

-I don’t think you physically can – he answered. Elliot breathed the morning country air, and for a moment his mind cleared. He had to feel better at some point.

-It was horrific – he finally struggled, and he heard Leo lay down next to him.

-Alie – he said, and Elliot supposed it was a confirmation of some kind – And I shouldn’t have made you wear the shirt.

-Yeah, you fucking pansy – he answered, mimicking Gregory. Leo chuckled.

-You heard him? That boy is thirsty, I tell you. Haven’t seen one of those in a while.

-How long have you been here?

-Don’t take so much interest in me – Leo warned him – You creep me out.

-Just answer – he retorted. Still, Leo didn’t answer immediately. He took a deep breath.

-This is the… fourth time I’m taking this course. Been here since the start of June. Jo came two and a half weeks ago.

-And you’ve seen that four times? – he asked, horrified. Leo’s mouth stretched in a wry grin.

-I wish. This was the seventh.

Elliot felt a chill running down his spine.

-You mean next week we’ll see it again?

-Not if you’ve been a good catholic boy. In that case I heard he shows you straight love scenes from movies and all of that nice shit. I have never been a good catholic boy, but honestly I think I might hate that as much as this.

He wasn’t serious, and it was quite visible. Elliot would have traded his kidney to see a bunch of straight white people kissing instead of what he just saw, but he knew that Leo somehow had to cope. And he did too. He wasn’t going to pray the gay away.

-Before, I said to shut your mouth, you idiot Sassenach.

Leo gasped.

-Rude – he said, punching him on the arm – What the hell is a Sassenach?

-It means “idiot English person who doesn’t speak Gaelic”, like you. That’s why Cadhla knew it.

-Excuse you, I’m from the capital of this kingdom and I’m not going to let you treat me like this.

Elliot couldn’t stifle back a laughter. For a moment it was as if every awful event of the last hours was melting away under the sun. He never laughed, but maybe the pressure he was feeling, the need to contrast the bleakness of it all… He turned and saw Leo looking at him, his eyes miraculously free from hair were visible from the glasses. He wanted to say, “thank you”, he really did. But the words didn’t make their way out of his mouth.

-Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do?

-I don’t know, I might attack you. I’m scary.

-Sure you are – he answered, sitting up. He picked his shirt up. It smelled like vomit, but he couldn’t stay naked forever. He put it back on, knowing he couldn’t wear it anymore after that day. He looked over at Leo, who had his eyes closed. He lingered on his face, his sculpted nose and the light pink lips, those lips that… In a jump the memory of the kiss was swapped with a terrifying image of a man being beaten up.

-Fuck – he breathed.

-What? –Leo inquired, opening his eyes and looking at him. Elliot shook his head.

-I’m just… That was so shitty – he sighed – Really.

-I know – Leo answered, still not sitting up – It swaps everything, doesn’t it? For a couple of days every look you give to a boy is as painful as a throat punch.

Elliot had the feeling that Leo understood exactly what he was thinking about, but if he did he didn’t show any signs of it.

-Do the girls do this too? – he asked, trying to shift the topic.

-Yeah, in the afternoon. Morning is better, at least you don’t go to bed with that in mind. And you have less to throw up. You skip lunch though, that ain’t fun. I mean, you could eat, but who the fuck would eat after that.

Elliot didn’t answer, and a chilly wind passed through the grass field.

-Isn’t this all fucked up? – Leo asked, eyes closed – The whole conversion camp idea. Is there really someone who thinks this works? And why is it necessary? Why can’t I just like boys? Is it so wrong?

He stayed silent for a couple seconds.

-Elliot, is it wrong?

Elliot jumped at his name. He hadn’t understood the question was for him, and hearing his name come out of Leo’s mouth was such an odd feeling that he wished he did.

-No it’s not – he answered – Of course it’s not.

-I know I’m being persistent – Leo sighed – But I still haven’t heard you say that you’re gay.

-I don’t think you’re gonna – Elliot said, as Leo got up. He didn’t add anything, but he knew Leo understood enough.

-That’s fine – he said, patting his arm – I’m more worried about Richard.

-Why? – he asked. Was Richard okay? He didn’t seem sick that morning.

-He looks like he wants to try to pray the gay away. That is never good, it could end badly.

He sounded dead serious, and Elliot understood the gravity of the situation.

-Greg and Adam though… I’m gonna be surprised if they don’t shag in the end.

Elliot grimaced.

-I think they’re just friends.

-Trust an expert.

-You’re just a pervert, they are just friends.

-Wanna bet?

Leo was looking at him with a devilish grin, and Elliot felt the competition rise up as he his heart skipped a beat for the sudden challenge.

-What are we betting?

-Treat me to a nice dinner in one of those fancy restaurants of yours – Leo suggested – With that fancy car of yours.

-Fine, but what if you lose? – Elliot asked. It wasn’t bad, a dinner. He didn’t have money problems, that was for sure, and the company could have been worse.

-I won’t lose.

-Treat me to a fancy London dinner – Elliot uttered, imitating a polished London accent. Leo smiled, but it was a smile woven in sadness.

-I would love to, but I can’t afford it.

-Fine – Elliot said. If Leo didn’t want to talk about it, he wasn’t going to push him – How about we figure it out when I win?

-You will so lose – Leo laughed and got up, stretching himself – Let’s go, or Philip might think we went out to shag.

Elliot got red on his cheeks and stammered an insult through his teeth as he got up as well, but that went largely ignored by the other and they made their way back to the plain. In front of the building they found Gregory and Adam, sitting at a table and drinking. Adam had orange juice, while Gregory had plain water. He was still shaky.

-Hey – Leo greeted them, stopping by. Adam raised a hand and Leo went behind his chair and took Gregory by his shoulders – How are you feeling?

-Like shit – he answered, sounding hoarse. Leo patted his back – Fuck, I’m ridiculous.

-No, you’re not – Adam said, shaking his head – I felt sick too.

-But you didn’t puke!

-I did – Elliot said before he could help it. Gregory looked at him, blushing. He smiled softly.

-For real?

-For real – Leo answered for him – It was disgusting.

-Mind your own business, Sassenach – he said, glaring at Leo – What I mean is, I guess it’s normal. And if it isn’t you’re not alone. Don’t pay too much mind to it.

-God Elliot you’re so rude to me.

Elliot glared at Leo, meeting one of the most picture-perfect shit-eating grins he ever had the displeasure to see. But Gregory nodded, uncaring of Leo’s comment, and Elliot recollected himself.

-Now I’m going to change, if you don’t mind – he concluded, and headed towards the building. Leo followed him. Why though?

-It doesn’t count if you make him fall in love with you – he said. Elliot stopped on his track to think. Oh, Gregory. Yeah. No.

-You can’t add rules now – he answered, turning to him – And I would never. I’m just being nice.

-Fine. Go change, you reek.

He didn’t really mean it, Elliot knew it, and he didn’t answer. Leo turned on his steps and got out, probably sitting down with those two. Elliot took another shower, a real one, and put on a light cotton t-shirt. Much better. He could breath, and he didn’t have that taste in his mouth anymore. The bell of the church told him it was half past noon before his watch did, but he wasn’t hungry. Leo was right, the idea of eating made him sick. He combed through his hair and headed back out, and saw Leo, Gregory and Adam at the same table as before. He sat down with them, opposite from Leo.

-So, Leo was telling us that you really are Scottish – said Adam, drinking from his glass.

-I am. I thought you knew, you know my father – he answered, confused.

-I didn’t know he was Scottish – Gregory corrected – I know him because… Well, it sounds bad, but my mum works for him.

Elliot heard it too many times. He made friends, and then somebody in the family worked for his dad and everything turned weird and they weren’t friends anymore. But why would he care?

-I hope he pays her well – he sighed. Gregory nodded, but he looked embarrassed, so Adam picked up from there.

-Richard knew he was from Scotland. I’m not sure how, he’s not from there.

Elliot shrugged.

-Can I ask you – Gregory began – How rich are you really?

Elliot was taken aback for a second.

-I’m not sure…? – he answered. What did they mean, how was he supposed to quantify it? He wasn’t Rowling rich, but he wasn’t “just getting by”.

-What car do you have? – Leo asked. He saw a glimmer in his eyes, he promised him a ride on that car if he won. But he was sure of what he said.

-A Jaguar XK.

-Holy fuck – Adam said, almost choking on his drink.

-I know jack shit about cars – Leo admitted – But that sounds expensive.

-It is – Adam nodded – And it’s an amazing car, I’m more of an Aston Martin man myself but I would die to ride such a beauty.

-I’d rather ride other kind of beauties – Leo shrugged, causing general discomfort through the table. The memory of the video was too fresh in their minds to even begin to think about that.

-So, you’re really rich – Gregory concluded – I’ve always wanted to be rich. Do you get used to it? You were born in wealth, I assume.

-Yeah – he answered. He didn’t like to talk about it but he didn’t want to shun Gregory. He still looked distressed – I know I’m quite well-off, but I don’t really like flashy things.

-Your shirts cost more than my month salary.

-I like well-made clothes, are you going to mock me for that? At least I don’t splatter logos everywhere, as you bloody toonsers do…

-As what?

-You people from big cities, all looks no taste.

-Would you two stop your bickering for one second? – Gregory asked with a smile – It’s impossible to talk to you. When did you become friends?

Elliot looked at Leo. Well, that was a question. When did they become friends? And was “friends” the right term?

-I’d say with the bet – Leo said – Had I known he was like this I would have turned him down…

-Haud yer wheesht– Elliot spurted, in the thickest, purest Scottish accent he ever heard himself utter in ages. He didn’t even remember he talked like that when left unsupervised. He didn’t use a single English word. He could almost see the disappointed look his mother would have given him had she heard him. He blushed slightly, hearing only silence following his words.

-I’m sorry, were you trying to say something? – Adam asked politely, and Gregory burst out laughing, while Leo just grinned at him.

-Okay, very funny, I slipped – he said, with the most proper pronunciation he could manage as to contrast with the words that just came out of his mouth.

-Are you always like this? Like a switch, you turn it on and you’re posh and you turn it off and you’re a bloody northern wench?

-No, I’m not a lamp. I just slipped, I usually just speak English with a slight cadence to it, okay? You make me go off the rails. I would never say things like this at home, and I don’t even really know it.

-But you must have learned it somewhere – Adam inquired.

-Yeah, my nanny spoke only Scottish. I picked it up and some of my classmates just kept me trained. But why are we only talking about me? Leo, why don’t you tell us about you?

Leo cocked an eyebrow at him, as to ask if he was really sure.

-Sure, but I’ll need another smoke – he answered, taking another cigarette out of his pockets and lighting it. Elliot put his hand out again and Leo scoffed before handing him one – Bloody leech.

-Thank you – Elliot answered, lighting the fag up. He inhaled deeply, feeling the burn in his throat. It was comforting – I owe you one.

-Alie – Leo answered, leaning back in his chair – So, what about me? I’m from London. I lived there my whole life, jumping between foster homes and orphanages. I was mostly fine, but the last ones were… I mean I wasn’t at my best. And so even after I turned eighteen there were legal reasons to look after me, and I was sent to a catholic orphanage. And I ended up in this bloody place all summer.

He inhaled the smoke.

-Not much to say, innit?

-Well, actually… – Gregory began but Adam cut him off with a stare. He didn’t seem to get the time and place of things. But he was well-meaning. They kept chatting, and soon after the memory of that morning was just a sting behind some nice conversation. It was a painful sting, but he just didn’t think about it. He would have thought about it at night, by himself.

-Has anyone seen Richard since then? – Leo asked. They looked at each other.

-No – answered Adam – Should we go look for him?

-I don’t know, he might not like that – Leo said, leaning back in the chair and looking behind him – I thought he was going to be back for lunch. I guess the video really got to him.

At the mention of that thing Elliot felt his heart sink in his chest. He felt the same vibrations coming from the other two, while Leo just looked resigned.

-I know, it sucks.

-It doesn’t suck – Greg corrected him – It’s awful.

-Yeah, it’s awful – he agreed, rocking back and forth with the chair – But it gets better. I promise.

-You sound like a life coach – said Elliot, mouth twitching in a grimace – But does it really? I mean in general. Does it get better?

-For me it will – Greg said confidently – I’m gonna get out of that place as soon as I get a job. And I’m gonna find a boyfriend and travel and live the bliss that I deserve.

He said it with wet eyes, it was clear that’s what he thought to himself to feel better. But Elliot? Was it gonna get better for him? He would have had to leave his parent’s home, and as much as he wanted to it was a gamble to say the least. There he had food and shelter and everything he could ever ask for, he was spoiled and he knew it.

-Good for you – Leo nodded – I hope it gets better. I’ll be nineteen soon, I don’t know how it gets, but there’s so much time.

-Nineteen? Mate you look sixteen – Adam exclaimed, and Leo looked embarrassed.

-Yes, I’m small, no need to remind me. I’m old as hell.

-Oi, I’m nineteen as well, we’re not old – Elliot said. Nineteen in three weeks, to be precise, but nineteen nonetheless.

-No, you’re old – said Gregory – I’m eighteen, Adam here is almost eighteen as well and I think Rick is seventeen.

Elliot sighed.

-Fine, we’re old. Leo is there somewhere to buy cigarettes close by? I feel like I’ll need them.

Leo nodded.

-Just down the road, there’s a “village”. It’s four houses and a store, but I guess that’s the name. I would have gone today, but looks like time is up – he said, looking at his watch – I’ll go next time we’re free. They also sell booze, but that is strictly prohibited, so we’ll have to sneak it in.

-Just what we need, to get plastered – Elliot nodded sarcastically.

-Give it a couple of days and that’s gonna be your saving grace.

In that moment they saw the girls making their way into the church, followed by Philip, who stopped to look at them. He walked towards them. Just seeing him made Elliot uneasy, his sheer presence was unbearable since that morning.

-My boys, I haven’t seen a single one of you at lunch – he said, scanning them. No one answered. He sighed – Except for darling Richard, that’s it. He didn’t eat, but we had an eye-opening conversation.

Elliot felt a chill. Richard went to confess? What? The others looked as confused as he was, but Philip didn’t notice or pretended not to.

-I want you to pray today, and I want you to write down how what you saw this morning made you feel, now that it’s sunk in. You’ll find everything you need in the dining room. I think Richard already started, he will answer your questions. Now go.

He went into the church with the girls, and Elliot felt so sorry for what they were about to see. He was morbidly curious to watch them get out, to see how they’d react. When Philip was out of sight Adam sighed.

-I guess we have to go – he said, getting up. He was right, of course, and they followed him to the dining room. There they found Richard, sitting down with a paper in front of him. As soon as he saw him Greg sighed with relief.

-There you are, we were getting worried…

-Why did you go to Philip? – Leo asked, harsh. There wasn’t compassion in his voice, only caution and… resentment? Richard narrowed his eyes.

-Because I care about this – he answered – And you should too.

The stare down continued for a few seconds, then Elliot patted Leo’s shoulder to get his attention.

-Come on, we have work to do.

That night nobody slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, thanks for being here! Longest chapter yet, I believe. So here I have a couple of clarifications to make. First of all, yes, those kind of video things sometimes happen at "conversion camps" from what I've read, maybe not to this degree though. I'm gonna say it's creative liberty and for the sake of plot, but I get if you think it's too much, I'm not trying to joke about it. Also, welcome to Scottish Elliot, my official religion. Feel free to bash me if I wrote something wrong! Hope to see you sometimes next week!


	5. Thursday 1

It was not a beautiful day. The sun was covered by sparse clouds and didn’t shine as bright as he would have liked it to, but it wasn’t raining, so it wasn’t awful. Sure, Wednesday had been a beautiful day, maybe to contrast with how bad the day had been. Elliot was sitting down at the table in front of the bedrooms, smoking a cigarette he had stolen from Leo. It was already more smoke than he was used to, but Philip couldn’t see him and he couldn’t help but distract himself from reality. It was confession afternoon, in which every one of them was to confess to Philip, but mostly it was an excuse for Philip to make them feel guilty, and it worked remarkably well. The last one had been on Tuesday, but Elliot didn’t say much, since Philip had monopolized the conversation with how important it was for him to bring honour to his family. As if he were Mulan or something. He exhaled the smoke, legs crossed, eyes lost in the stone wall of the construction. He was blissfully alone, Greg and Richard were trying to get some sleep, since they couldn’t get any the night before, and Adam was in the kitchen with a couple of girls to wash the dishes. Leo had just gone inside, confessing. He felt weird, he felt like an adult and at the same time as he was the last person who could control his own actions.

-Elliot – he heard from close behind him. He turned to see Joanne and had a couple seconds to decide what to do with the fag. But it was Joanne, she probably didn’t care.

-Hey – he greeted her, as she sat down. She looked very nice, dressed in sporty attire which was probably too tight to be approved by Philip. Not that she cared, Elliot suspected she did it on purpose.

-You brought cigarettes? – she asked, and Elliot shook his head.

-No, I got it from Leo – he answered – I can’t offer you one.

-Don’t worry, I don’t smoke.

-Me neither – said he, inhaling the smoke. Joanne smiled, making herself comfortable in the chair.

-How’s it going?

-Dull – he answered, turning back to the wall – It’s all or nothing here. Just boredom or terror.

-That’s accurate – she nodded – At least for now. This time he usually starts to go crazy.

-Pure belter – he answered, biting his words. Joanne smiled, a condescending smile as if he still had no idea what was laying before him. He looked at the church, thinking about how Leo was in there, getting probably scolded by Philip.

-I saw you hanging around Leo – she commented, following his eyes. Elliot felt a redness creeping on his cheeks, and why did he, he was just making friends, did he have no right to make friends? He kept his voice neutral, holding any personal comments to his chest.

-Yeah, a bit. He’s not as bad as I thought.

-That’s exactly what he said about you – she laughed, leaning back the same way Leo used to do.

-He talks about me?

-I mean, I’m his friend, he told me about his new friend. That’s just customary.

-And what did he say? – he asked, sounding just curious enough. She shrugged.

-That you’re a Scottish posh kid. But you’re not bad.

-How nice of him.

-Nicer than usual – she assured him – He wouldn’t lend his “browns” to just anyone – she specified, nodding in the direction of the now finished cigarette. Elliot put it out on the iron of the table and he let it drop on the ground. He would never had done that, but there weren’t ashtrays just laying around, and the trashcan was too obvious.

-I’m flattered – he sighed.

-Don’t let him down – Joanne suddenly said, in a more serious tone than she had before. Elliot furrowed his brows – He’s incredibly cautious, and if he lets his guard down around you… Just don’t let him down.

-How would I? – he asked, squinting confused.

-You know, just don’t get close to Philip.

-I’d never! – he answered, outraged by the sheer idea of so many people thinking of him as some sort of guard dog.

-I’d tell you to not tell anyone about his little… infractions, but it seems like I don’t need to – she concluded, looking down at the cigarette on the dirt.

They stayed in silence for a second, Elliot waiting for her to go on. He didn’t want to risk anything by answering. Did he tell her about… that? They were friends, he knew that much, but it would have been terribly awkward if he did. She didn’t look like she knew it, she only looked worried about her friend.

-I’m sorry – she said, with a sudden laugh – I sound like his mom or something.

-No, I get it – he reassured her – But don’t worry, I’d never do those things. If only he stopped being bloody obnoxious…

-Great – she nodded – Forgive this foreign girl being patronizing.

Elliot shrugged mindlessly, tracing a pattern on the dirt with his foot. There was no reason to keep talking about Leo, and he surely didn’t want to stir that conversation up.

-This is your second time here, right?

-Right – she answered, eyes straight on him. She looked like the kind of person that liked direct confrontation. Elliot could appreciate that – It was an emergency intervention, and just two weeks were not enough. I hope four are, I’d rather die than be here through august.

-You’re gay, right? – he suddenly asked, switching topics so fast he surprised himself before he surprised her.

-Yes – she confirmed, a confused look on her face.

-How did you know?

She looked pensive for a second.

-I realized I liked my best friend, and one day I kissed her – she said, smiling sadly, eyes lost in the memory – She rejected me, but it felt right, it felt like I had heard kisses should feel. I then went on and got myself a girlfriend, and I just knew that was right for me.

-Did your friend…?

-Oh no, she was super nice about it. She said she kinda got that vibe from me, I never had a boyfriend “despite being so hot”.

-You never even kissed a man? – he asked, surprised. He knew that kissing people and having partners was not the same thing, but by her tone it sounded a lot like that.

-Never ever. Why, have you kissed women?

-Well, yeah – he answered, as he was stating the obvious – I had to. If I didn’t get a girlfriend people would start thinking I was gay.

As soon as he concluded the sentence he could almost hear Leo’s voice grinning an “imagine that”. Since when was Leo his conscience? Joanne looked surprised.

-And did you like it?

-Not really – he answered. He couldn’t explain it to her, but every molecule that might have thought he was if not straight at least bisexual was incinerated in the moment Leo kissed him. There was not a way in hell he’d ever kiss another woman again after that. It would just be disappointing.

-And did you… you know… - she asked, raising her eyebrows. Elliot bit his cheek before answering.

-Yeah – he admitted – Only with girls – he specified.

-Fuck – she sighed – And how do you know you’re gay then?

-I don’t – he lied. He really wanted another fag in that moment – I had my suspicions, girls just didn’t feel right, and my family had their own suspicions, so they decided to act before it was too late. I don’t know if it was a great idea though, now I’m thinking I may actually… you know.

-Well good for you – she smiled, punching him lightly in the arm – Coming out to yourself is hard. I’m sorry you have to do it in this context.

Elliot nodded, and Joanne got up.

-I think I’ll go to sleep for a bit, I already did my share. See you around.

Elliot waved her goodbye. He wanted to sleep as well, but he didn’t want to get inside. He got up and walked down to the front of the church, so that if he was asleep for too long Philip would have seen him and woken him up. He would have loved to avoid the confession, but he didn’t want to risk the consequences. Philip still hadn’t snapped, but he always had that sparkle in his eyes, like a bomb waiting to explode. He sat down again against a tree right in front of the church. He could very well fall asleep there. The shadow was chilly but nice, and the sounds of the leaves were the perfect white noise to help him sleep. He closed his eyes and drifted in a relaxing state of drowsiness, in which he tried to only think about the leaves.

-Elly! – he heard. What was that? He opened his eyes and saw Leo standing up in front of him, a hand on his bony hip, he was looking at him like one would look a cute cat.

-The hell you said? – he asked, yawning.

-I said Elly – Leo repeated, sitting down next to him.

-I hate it – he answered, stretching lightly – Is it my turn?

-You’re next, but you were sleeping sound so I thought I’d wake you a bit early – he answered – I know you stole another cigarette.

-I did – he admitted – I’ll buy you a pack, I promise.

-You better. I didn’t know you were a smoker.

-I’m not – he corrected him – But I could become one after this.

-It’s on the way – Leo agreed. There were a couple seconds of silence – I wanna go on a walk down to the river. You up?

-Can we? – Elliot asked, trying to fully wake up before he had to talk to Philip. Leo snorted.

-No, why do you even ask. So?

-It sounds nice – he admitted – But what if he finds us?

-He’ll take it out on me – Leo answered – Actually, he…

Angela came out of the church looking as out of place as a piano in a marching band. Philip followed behind her, and he gazed around the place, probably looking for him. Elliot sighed and got up, and Philip smiled at him.

-You’ll tell me later – he said, without looking Leo.

-I’ll wait for you, don’t take long.

Elliot waved him goodbye under Philip’s disproving stare and he walked inside with the man. The church was lit up and it looked delightful without any harsh shadows. Philip invited him to sit down and he obeyed. The priest sat down next to him and they started to repeat the formulas. Elliot knew them by heart. Once they were done Philip waited for him to say something, and he cleared his throat.

-So, not much happened since Tuesday – he began, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tone of his voice. He didn’t seem offended.

-Why don’t you tell me about your family? – he asked him. Again? Was that really the button he wanted to push?

-Uhm… I have five brothers and one sister. I have both my parents, luckily…

-And do you love them? – Philip asked.

-Of course I do – he answered. It was like following a script.

-Would they be happy to see you hang out with someone like him?

That was unexpected. Elliot furrowed his brows, confused for a second. Oh, Leo. He was talking about Leo.

-What? – he asked anyway, determined to make him spell it out. Philip sighed – Leo?

-Be careful around him. He never means well.

-How? – he couldn’t help but ask with the slightest bit of bite.

-He always tries to seduce someone – sighed Philip. Elliot blushed. Seduce? Was that what he did to him that day? Did Leo like him? No, he couldn’t, he specifically told him it was nothing personal, he told him to forget about it, to go away, he didn’t like him at all, for sure – And you, my dear, are rich enough to be of interest.

Well if Leo liked him it definitely wasn’t because of the money. He didn’t want to believe that. But Leo didn’t like him, of course, so it was useless to think about it.

-I’ll be careful – he forced himself to say, eager to change topic. He liked to talk about his family more than he liked to talk about Leo – I sometimes think about how bad my parents must feel to think me here, battling this by myself…

That seemed to shake Philip up. He had changed topic much too fast for him to actually mean it, but Philip was apparently unaware of that and he embarked on a long, boring speech about the importance of family love and wife and kids. He just had to endure it. Just a bit more, Leo was waiting for him outside, they were gonna go to the river together. He couldn’t make Philip angry. After some minutes Philip seemed content with himself and he stopped talking.

-Do you feel better? – he asked. Elliot nodded.

-Much better – he duly answered. It wasn’t even a full lie, he felt better now that he was done with it. They said the final formulas and Elliot almost ran out of the church. A soon as he was out the door he saw Leo under the tree. He smiled and waved, and Elliot felt a little something click inside him. He walked over to him.

-How was it? – Leo asked, as Philip called Cadhla over. Elliot shrugged.

-Boring – he answered, watching Philip go back in the church with his new prisoner – How long did I take?

-So long – Leo groaned, getting up and stretching – So, river?

-River – Elliot nodded with the smallest smile. Leo looked at him for a second as if he wanted to tell him something, but he ultimately decided to just start walking. Elliot had never gone to the river before, so he began following Leo behind the church. It was such a nice place. It was a shame it was being used to abuse young people using God as an excuse. The hill was green, punctuated by small stones, without any path to follow. After a couple of minutes of silently walking Elliot heard the river.

-You’re not yapping, it’s weird – said Leo at a certain point, as they walked down the hill – Did Philip upset you?

-Not really, he just talked about my family.

It wasn’t the whole truth, but he didn’t want to tell Leo what Philip had told him. He was curious, but he ultimately decided it was better to keep silent, after all he knew Philip was wrong about that.

-What does he tell you? – he asked Leo, trying to put him under the spotlight.

-Standard. Bullshit – he answered – That I’m a disgrace to everything that is holy. And I told him love, I’m just gay.

Elliot started laughing. He laughed sincerely no more than five times in his life, and two of them were in that place. He looked at Leo and he looked amused, satisfied with himself.

-Anyway – he continued – He doesn’t like when I tell him that. He grounded me.

-Grounded you? – Elliot asked, confused.

-Yeah. I’ll have to sleep in that bloody isolation room tonight.

-What is that? – he asked. Leo looked genuinely upset about it.

-It’s a room in the basement where bad boys and bad girls go serve their sentence. I also call it “my room for the second week”.

-That’s dreadful – he said – Can I do something?

-Nah – Leo shrugged – Look, we’re here.

Elliot looked where Leo was pointing and he saw a stream crossing the small plain at the foot of the hill. It was lovely, sloshing merrily down, and Elliot could very well hear some bees or wasps around the flowers.

-Bonnie – he whispered, hoping Leo didn’t hear him. He saw him smile though, and soon he confirmed his suspicion.

-It’s sweet, innit? – he agreed – I love it down here.

He skipped until he was on the edge of the river, and he crouched down, putting a hand in the water. Elliot walked to reach him, until he was on the shore.

-With the sun it’s even better – said Leo, moving his hand under the water and picking up stones from the bottom of the stream.

-It’s not far away from there – Elliot commented, looking up the hill. He could see the silhouette of the church on the top, but it made sense that they couldn’t see the river from up there, it was hidden between the curves of the hill.

-No, but it’s far enough for Philip to whine about coming here – he sighed, putting his other hand in the water as well and shivering visibly – Come here, feel how cold it is.

-I don’t really want to.

Leo got up and before Elliot could begin to ask question he cupped his face with wet hands.

-Holy shit! – he jumped back – It’s freezing! What the hell Leo?!

Leo burst out laughing, as Elliot wiped his face. Leo looked so pretty as he laughed. What? Well yes, he didn’t look bad, of course. He knew that much, he had beautiful eyes and a very sincere smile, those few times he smiled sincerely.

-You look so silly – Leo said in the middle of the laughter – Did I deactivate you?

-No ya didn’t – he muttered. Leo calmed down and sat down on a rock, legs crossed. Right, he also had really long legs for someone as short as he was.

-At least sit down, you’re making me nervous.

Elliot sat down on a stone close to him.

-Tell me honestly – he began, losing himself in the waters of the stream – Is there gonna be a worst day than yesterday?

-So the layout is – he began, taking a breath – Tomorrow he’ll make us choose a girl to dance with, because there is a dance on Saturday. But on Friday he also usually decides he hates us and he makes a couple of people stand up and confess every person of the same sex they’ve ever been with. It’s awkward, because it’s hard to lie to him. Luckily he usually lets us breath in the afternoon, so we can go to the village. Saturday he follows us like a dog all day long, and Sunday also, except of course for the evening. He makes us pray and confess. Next week…

-Thanks, these days seem bad enough – Elliot interrupted him.

-I’ll take Jo – Leo immediately said – We’ve agreed on that.

-I guess I’ll take Cadhla… - Elliot sighed – As good as any.

-Why not Rose? – Leo suggested – She’s pretty and nice as a button. She’d be perfect for you.

Rose was the blondie who sat next to Leo during all the meals. If he talked nicely of her she probably was nice. He might even listen to him.

-I don’t want a girlfriend, I just want to get it over with.

-Please – chuckled Leo – You with a girlfriend?

-For your information I’ve had many girlfriends – Elliot clarified.

-Is-it?

-Lately a lot more than usual – he specified – I was sure I’d find the right one.

-Are you not a virgin? – Leo asked, suddenly serious. Elliot blushed, failing to hide his embarrassment. He didn’t really want to answer, but his face was probably clear enough.

-No – he admitted.

-Oh – Leo answered, blinking – I thought for sure you were.

-That’s offensive.

-And only with girls? – he asked, ignoring what Elliot had just said.

-Of course – he answered, as if it was obvious. He felt his voice tremble for a second. Leo looked a bit disappointed.

-Right, yeah. Must have been nice.

-No – Elliot said, grimacing, without thinking about what that was gonna elicit – It’s like… trying to hump a shrieking starfish that only says how hot you are and how much she wants it.

-Well if you were better they wouldn’t have screamed.

-They weren’t the ones complaining – Elliot sighed – Maybe I should have gone with someone outside those kind of girls, be a bit adventurous.

-Like a man – Leo suggested – Heard that’s fun.

Elliot didn’t grace Leo with an answer, but he felt the sun blinding his eyes as it went down under the hill.

-We should go back, they’re probably looking for us – he said, getting up from the rock. He put out a hand, and Leo helped himself up.

-Thanks for coming – said Leo as they made their way back up to the top of the hill. The more they walked the brighter the sun got. It wasn’t sunset just yet, so they weren’t late. Elliot shrugged.

-No, it was nice – he said – Dawn from there must be wonderful.

-For sure – Leo answered, looking back down for a second. He looked strangely wistful. Elliot stopped to look at him for a moment, the late sun gentle on his profile, his hair tousled by the breeze. As if he knew he was being watched Leo passed a hand through his hair to get it away from his face, uncovering his neck for a second. That second was enough for Elliot’s throat to go dry and for an image of a scalp to be hammered in his head. He jumped at himself and loudly cleared his throat, turning around and starting to walk back up.

When they got back to the front of the church they saw Cadhla chatting with Rose and Adam, and all turned to them as if they just came back from the war. Cadhla looked especially distressed.

-Where have you been? – she asked, completely interrupting her conversation – Philip was livid.

-What? – Elliot asked, feeling a lump of fear form in his throat. Leo just huffed.

-Bloody arsehole. I’ll handle it – he reassured Elliot, patting his arm, before looking at the two girls and Adam – And we were just down to the river.

-I don’t know how well that’s gonna hold up – Adam observed.

-We were – Elliot objected.

-They not lying, I saw them.

Richard had just come out of the bedroom building, and he was staring down at them, full of disdain. He made his way to them.

-Although you couldn’t go there – he said, arms crossed on his chest.

-Are you gonna rat us out for taking a bloody walk? – Leo challenged him, but Elliot stretched an arm over his chest as to physically stop him. It worked.

-Just don’t lie – he told him, trying his best to stay diplomatic. It wasn’t his forte, but he couldn’t count on Leo right now – If he asks, tell him the truth, we didn’t do anything bad.

Richard weighed him with a look, which Elliot held perfectly fine. He was not going to lose a stare-down with a kid, not when he was asking for what was right.

-Okay. But don’t let this happen again – he warned them – And don’t swear – he continued, looking directly at Leo. He walked down to the main room and left them alone.

-Bloody wanker thinks he scares me, don’t fucking do that ever again Elliot – Leo exclaimed, pushing Elliot’s arm away.

-Jesus Mary and all that is holy – Elliot sighed, before lightly pushing Leo – You think I like being looked after like a toddler?! I was trying to help our case, I don’t want to go sleep in the chokey!

-Tell your bloody saints they can go fuck themselves! – Leo almost shouted, marching into the bedroom building. Great, profanity, just what they needed. He looked at the door, uncertain if to follow him or not. His indecision was broken by Rose. He had forgotten they were still there.

-So… what happened, really?

-What…? – he asked, looking confused at her – I was feeling down and he brought me to the river. It’s nice there. We chatted a bit and came back here.

-Elliot – Adam said, looking intensely at him. Elliot didn’t understand, but before he could answer he saw Philip coming up from down the small slope, Richard patiently following him. He looked at Elliot, extremely disappointed, and Elliot found himself feeling guilty.

-Welcome back – he said, icily – Where have you been?

-Down to the river – he immediately answered – I heard it a couple days ago and Leo brought me there.

Philip stared at his with such intensity it was like he was scanning his soul, like he could see everything, like he knew that they didn’t do anything wrong but also how Elliot looked at Leo when he wasn’t looking.

-You know you couldn’t – he said, every word a poisoned jab on Elliot’s neck.

-Yes, I knew it.

-And he knew it too.

-He did – he answered. He couldn’t deny it, of course Leo knew it. Philip kept staring at him and Elliot finally broke the gaze, the words coming out like hot lava – I know we shouldn’t have. We just sat down next to the river for a couple minutes and came back, but we shouldn’t have.

But that wasn’t what Philip cared about, going to the river wasn’t that bad. Elliot glanced in the direction of Richard, who noticed his look and huffed irritated.

-I saw them – he interjected, to which Philip looked at him – They were chatting.

Philip sighed, defeated in his purpose to find immorality in their stroll.

-Don’t let yourself be dragged by him.

-I’m not – Elliot protested – I asked him where the river was and he told me that we couldn’t go there, but I insisted. It was my fault.

It wasn’t. But he was totally prepared to take the fall for him. He had already been grounded, so Elliot didn’t know what was gonna go down if he got even more in trouble.

-It was your fault – Philip repeated. He didn’t believe him at all, but if lying was what it took Elliot would have lied as long as it was needed.

-Precisely – he said – I’m sorry.

He hated to say he was sorry, he almost never did. But he couldn’t afford to be prideful in that situation. He could feel the tension coming from Adam, Rose and Cadhla next to him, dumb spectators of the show.

-I expected more from you – Philip said, looking disappointed.

-It won’t happen again – he whispered. That was a promise he wasn’t gonna keep, he knew that much, but it was what he needed to say.

-I’ll let you off this time – Philip said, before looking at all of them – Come down to the church, I already called the others.

He walked down to the church and Elliot felt like he could breathe again. Richard followed him immediately, and Elliot stayed there with the others, catching his breath.

-That was risky – Cadhla commented, without looking at Elliot.

-What? – Leo asked, coming out of the building. They all looked at him. Elliot didn’t really want to talk to him in that moment, he was probably gonna be offended he took the fall.

-Father Philip wants us in the church – he answered, walking away. If the others wanted to tell him they were free to do so, he wasn’t gonna be a part of that. When he got into the church he saw that everyone else was really already there. He sat by himself on an empty bench, feeling Philip’s stare on him. Soon after Rose sat down next to him, and he couldn’t help but look for Leo. He was sitting down next to Joanne and he was whispering something to her.

-He took it better than I thought – Rose sighed, evidently noticing Elliot’s eyes.

-Yeah – he answered, without really thinking about it.

-Did you tell the truth? – she asked, curious. He looked at her. She was the girl Leo had advised him to choose for the… thing. She did look very pretty, actually, she was like a picture-perfect girl, one of the girls he would have dated back home. Long blond hair coming down in loose curls to her shoulders, big blue eyes. Elliot could see why Leo told him to get with her, they would have been sickeningly perfect.

-I told what was right – he chose to answer. Rose smiled shyly, but before he could add anything Philip spoke, the usual things about perversion and so on. Nothing new. He didn’t want to listen to him, so he looked at Leo, whose gaze was lost in the bench in front of him. After some time, could have been seconds or minutes, Leo turned and crossed his eyes. Elliot flinched and turned back to Philip, who was still talking. When they finished their joint prayers Philip told them to go down to dinner.

It was bedtime, but Elliot still had his bed light on and was reading. He wasn’t tired, he had already slept in the afternoon, but he wasn’t concentrated enough to pay attention to the book. He sighed, closing the book and sitting up on the bed. No chance he would have slept. He suddenly heard Leo coming down the stairs and stopping in front of his bed. He was still clothed, but his hair was kept in a clamp. He stared at him for a couple seconds.

-You didn’t have to do that – he whispered. Elliot shrugged.

-I owed you one – he reminded him, and Leo smiled.

-Fair price for a fag – he said – I have to go now. See you tomorrow morning.

Elliot waved at him as he walked out the room, bringing nothing but himself. He was terribly curious about that isolation room or whatever it was, but he knew he couldn’t ask. Maybe he should have tried to sleep. He laid down, closing his eyes, and his mind was immediately flooded with the memory of Leo looking down the hill, orange sun hitting his profile. Fuck. He opened his eyes again and took a couple deep breaths, trying to supress the urge to remember the images from the video. Why was he thinking about him? And why in a way that his brain connected… He closed his eyes again, trying his best to think about home. That’s what he wanted, to go back home. To get away from there, to get away from Leo and from all that. He should have never gone there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you're still tagging along, see you next time!


	6. Friday 1

The first thing he saw when he got into the dining room was Leo, sitting at his seat between Alex and Rose. He looked so tired. When he saw him he smiled weakly at him, and Elliot went to sit down at his own place. Joanne was already there, but Cadhla was not.

-I didn’t know he had to go there tonight – Joanne whispered to him.

-I did – he answered – But I don’t know what “there” is.

-It’s quite bad. I don’t wish that on you – she grimaced – Rose told me that you defended him yesterday about the river.

-I just told the truth – he said, as the last people got in the room.

-You didn’t – she corrected him – Leo told me the truth.

-I told something close to the truth – he confessed – I didn’t want to get him in trouble.

After that, he abruptly cut off any more questions by shoving bread in his mouth. When they finished eating breakfast Philip got up to explain the day’s program.

-I hope this weekend’s program is going to be widely liked – he smiled – Tomorrow you will organize a dance party, one of those you young people like. So you will have to choose a partner and start to plan everything.

There was a buzz through the room.

-But first, I want to call somebody up here and make them talk about what they learned in these days.

Ah, there it was. Leo told him that was gonna happen. Elliot just hoped he wouldn’t have been called up there. Philip’s eyes skimmed the room.

-Volunteers? – he asked, and Elliot immediately looked down to the table. Nobody answered, and Philip sighed – I’ll call someone then. A boy and a girl.

He looked pensive, and his eyes fixated on Elliot for a while. A long, freezing chill ran down his spine as Philip opened his mouth.

-Cadhla, darling, would you be the first? Come up here.

Cadhla visibly gulped and got up. A wave of sudden relief washed over him, but it was over pretty soon as he watched Cadhla marching over to Philip, standing in front of the room like a child in front of a blackboard.

-Tell us what you regret doing before coming here.

That was quite the roundabout for saying “tell us the girls you’ve kissed”.

-Uhm… I regret… some things – she hesitantly began. Philip nodded.

-Tell us.

-I… I’ve kissed some girls… - continued Cadhla, the skin on her nose and ears darkening. Elliot had never seen her so embarrassed.

-And do you regret it?

-I do – she whispered. Elliot wasn’t sure if she did, but she obviously couldn’t say that.

-Do you know who is going to be your partner for the dance? –asked Philip.

-I’d… - she stuttered, looking around – Gregory?

Everyone turned to Gregory, who blushed.

-Okay… - he whispered. Philip nodded, satisfied.

-Why don’t you tell us about you, Gregory?

Cadhla froze and mouthed an “I’m sorry” to Greg, who stood up and walked up front, next to Cadhla. He loudly cleared his throat.

-I regret every romantic act I’ve engaged with men – he blurted out, clearly wanted to be done with it. But Philip didn’t seem to want to let it go.

-Be more specific – he invited him. Greg sighed.

-How? – he asked, biting down on his words in a way that kinda reminded him of Leo.

-What have you done with men?

Greg hesitated. The tension was unbearable.

-I… have done things – he stated, slowly. Philip shook his head.

-What things?

-He fucked men, Jesus –muttered Leo. In that moment Elliot noticed that he was looking at Leo. Wait, why was he looking at him again? He turned his attention back to Greg who had officially become a flustered mess.

-I slept with men – he finally whispered.

-That is sick – said Philip, suave – And disgusting. I hope you’re coming to regret it.

Gregory had tears in his eyes as he nodded, and Cadhla caressed his wrist, a light touch, just to comfort him.

-You can go think about how to organize this party, I’ll leave it all to you. You may go down to the village, but you’ll have to tell me first, because I won’t send more than two of you.

As soon as he finished talking Gregory almost ran out of the room, and Adam instantly got up to follow him. To not make it too weird for them Elliot also got up and went to Cadhla, who stood stunned in the same place. He put a hand on her shoulders and dragged her out of the room. Once out, he heard her sob.

-Come on – he mused, stroking her back as she cried almost silently. He wasn’t the best at comforting crying people, but he decided to make her sit down, so he brought here to the table in front of the bedrooms – He was an arsehole.

-No, I… I didn’t mean to drag Greg, or, or anyone, into it – she said, covering her face with her hands. Her nails were chipped, Elliot noticed. It was a weird detail, she was always neat and well-kept – I would never have called him, I just… said a name.

Elliot didn’t quite know how to respond.

-He’s gonna hate me – she squealed.

-No he’s not – he reassured her – You couldn’t know that.

-I’m awful… - sobbed Cadhla. Elliot saw Angela run towards them and crouch down next to her.

-You’re not – Elliot said, looking at Angela, who started stroking her hair.

-I am! – she answered – Anyone could have seen that coming!

-But how do you feel? – Angela asked, in little more than a whisper.

-I’m at a fucking gay conversion camp! – she shrieked, and Elliot instinctively looked around looking for Philip, but he only saw Leo, Joanne and Rose standing behind him – I feel like shit! I hate this!

She got up and ran down the slope, followed by a light-stepped Angela and leaving the others there. Elliot sighed, and he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Leo’s hand, he knew it, he recognized it.

-Don’t worry, there was nothing you could have done – he said, and Elliot turned to him. He looked nervous, but he seemed sincere – I told you.

-You did, didn’t you? – he agreed sadly. Leo patted his shoulder.

-Now, is Rose good for the party? – he asked, looking back at the girl – She’s fine with it. She said you’re too gay to be threatening.

-That’s not what I said! – she protested, as Joanne laughed and threw an arm around her shoulders.

-No you didn’t, he’s just an asshole – she said, caressing her hair. Oh. Oh, there was a pattern there. Rose put her arm down and looked around worried.

-That’s okay – Elliot nodded – If you’re all right with it – he specified, looking at Rose.

-I am – she smiled – I don’t think you’re… too gay – she said, blushing.

-He is – Leo nodded – He keeps chirpsing with me, dunne?

-You wish – he scoffed.

-So the couples have been made – Leo said, clapping.

-Actually – Elliot said, as soon as he thought it – Aren’t we an odd number? Someone is gonna be alone.

-You’re right – Joanne noticed – There’s me and Leo, you two, Cadhla and Greg, I guess, then I think Angela and Adam, so Chantel or Alex are by themselves.

-Uh.

-I guess it’s gonna come up – Rose shrugged – Should we think about the party?

Leo huffed, sitting down next to Elliot.

-Just put on your prettiest dress and leave room for Jesus. This morning we have to look busy, but this afternoon we are basically free.

In that moment Gregory came out of the bedrooms, together with Adam.

-Oi – Leo called him – How’re you feeling?

-Humiliated – answered Gregory. Leo nodded, understanding – Where’s Cadhla?

-I think she might have gone to kill herself – Joanne said, and Greg looked scared for a moment.

-She’s kidding – said Elliot, shaking his head – But she thinks you hate her now.

-I don’t – he answered – God, it’s not her fault.

-Go tell her, she’s probably down there – Leo said, nodding towards the hill on the left of the church. Greg nodded and walked down there, followed blindly by Adam.

-They’re so fucking – Leo whispered, amazed. Elliot rolled his eyes.

-They’re not, they’re just friends – he corrected him.

-Please. Every gay couple of friends fucked at some point.

-You’re not fucking – Joanne observed. Blood rushed in Elliot’s cheeks, but he effectively kept himself from blushing as he saw Leo looking away. What did…?

-Could you imagine? – he asked, but he didn’t sound totally convincing. Elliot decided to take his matter into his own hands.

-They might someday – he said, and Leo looked at him – But as of now they’re friends, and you’re so losing this.

-Losing what? – Rose asked innocently.

-We bet a dinner on that – Leo explained, nodding in the direction of the boys.

-Well – Elliot interjected – I’ll take you out to dinner if you win, we haven’t decided what we’ll do when I win.

-You sure you’re not fucking? – Joanne asked. The sentence was meant to be funny, but her tone was more serious than it should have been.

-I mean, if we are, – Leo said, smiling to Elliot – Tell me next time, I’ll be more reactive.

-Please, if I did that you would remember it for your whole life.

-That’s not what the girls did – Leo observed.

-I didn’t like it, they most certainly did.

-This is painful to watch – Joanne suddenly said, getting up – I’m gonna go shower. You coming Rosie?

-Are you… - Rose stuttered, blushing. Joanne smiled softly.

-No, just asking for company.

The girl nodded and waved them goodbye as she followed Joanne inside the building. Elliot and Leo were left alone at the table. Leo sighed.

-I need a fag – he muttered – But someone finished all of them.

-I told you I’ll buy them – Elliot protested, crossing his legs. Leo looked at him with a calm yet calculating look in his eyes.

-Wanna go now? We can have lunch down there – he suggested. Of course he was suggesting to go there without permission, how did Elliot even think that Leo was going to ask for permission.

-Philip said only in the afternoon – he observed – And I don’t want to get in any more trouble.

-We could try to convince him – Leo proposed, leaning forward. His eyes were twinkling behind the thick glasses, and his lips opened in a mischievous smirk.

-What’s our excuse? – Elliot asked. He was determined not to stray anymore from the given path, and he needed Leo to understand that.

-Dunno, we could say we need to order something custom made so we need to be there early.

Good answer, he had to give him that.

-He could send Richard with us. You want that?

-Fuck no – Leo immediately answered, leaning back – You’re right.

-Do we have to dress nice tomorrow? – Elliot asked, sure of his win. He looked down at hit t-shirt. It was one of the last ones he brought, he would have had to resort to polo shirts quite soon, before the other ones were dry.

-Not as nice as on Sunday – Leo specified – But nice enough to confess to your crush, so to speak.

-Well that’s a problem – he answered – Someone forced me to wear my second-best shirt so I just have a… really good one left.

-How good? – inquired Leo, jokingly. Elliot stammered for a second.

-Like… Armani.

-Why did you bring an Armani shirt, Elliot – asked Leo, resigned – Shut up, don’t answer. You don’t need to wear an Armani shirt. Ever.

-Well what are you wearing? – he asked – You have some nice clothes for Sunday mass, don’t you? You’ve been wearing literally the same jumper over old t-shirts since I’ve been here. I hope you have at least a jacket, or Father Philip will get angry.

-I think Philip has given up on me – Leo answered, playing with three strands of his hair. Elliot shook his head, and he looked down, where he saw Alex and Chantel chatting lovingly sitting under a tree.

-Nobody is preparing the party.

-Richard totally is – Leo answered, twisting the strands in a small braid – And we will too, this afternoon. For now let’s go in the main room and pretend to care about the flavour of the snacks.

Elliot smiled, making sure that nobody could see him, and followed Leo down the slope to the main room. There was nobody there, and they sat down at a table, Leo grabbing a couple of sheets of paper and pencils. He started doodling a tree, and under it some flowers.

-How cute. What flowers are those?

-Go to hell. These are daisies.

Elliot nodded and started drawing. Before he noticed he had drawn the stream where they’d been the day before. Leo glanced at his paper, and Elliot could swear he saw him smiling, before he turned the sheet. They didn’t talk and kept doodling for a couple of minutes. Pretending to look busy, he could do that. As if he heard him, Philip walked into the room and froze on the door when he saw them.

-What are you doing? – he asked, extremely suspicious.

-Party planning – said Leo, holding a paper sheet up – I’m listing what we’ll need to buy.

Elliot nodded, hiding his sheet of paper under another one. He had just doodled the river and cubes, but luckily it seemed like Leo had actually put some thought into what he was writing. Philip looked like he couldn’t believe his eyes.

-Good – he commented – So I suppose you wanna go to the village later today.

-Only if we’re allowed – Elliot answered. It hurt to be that submissive but it was the only way they had to actually go there and be free, at least for a couple hours. Philip sighed, and looked at Leo. Elliot had excused himself enough, apparently, but he needed to hear it from the problem child. Elliot saw Leo’s knuckles becoming white, and he put a comforting hand on his leg. He didn’t even think about if Philip saw it, that just felt like the right thing to do.

-Yeah – he muttered – Can we, please?

Philip melted into a fake smile.

-Yes, you can – he said, without taking another step in the room – Is there anyone else who wants to come?

-No – Elliot quickly answered. The priest nodded, glancing at the clock on the wall. It was almost noon. He looked back at them, evaluating them with a stare.

-I guess you can go now, if you don’t mind skipping lunch.

Leo jumped up.

-Thank you – he said, smiling so sincerely Philip was taken aback. He turned to Elliot – There’s no problem with that, innit?

-None at all – he said, getting up as well. They got away from behind the table, carrying all their paper with them. Philip wouldn’t have liked to see their drawings of daisies. They got past him and out the door, and once they were acceptably far Leo giggled.

-Yes! – he exclaimed – I can’t believe we’ve done it!

-Done what?

They saw Adam, Greg, Angela and Cadhla around a tree.

-We’re going down to the village, you need anything? – he asked, feeling almost tingly with excitement. He couldn’t wait to finally get away from that prison, he needed to see something different, to change skyline.

-I guess not – Greg answered, looking at the others – I mean, except for something fun.

-We’ll take care of that – Leo winked. The four smiled and they went to the bedroom building, and before Elliot could object Leo had kicked the girl’s room open, discovering a wet haired Joanne playing some tabletop game with Rose and Chantel, while Alex slept. They looked quizzically at them.

-Ladies – Leo greeted them – Need something from the village?

Joanne lowered her cards and smiled at him.

-You asshole, you did it! – she congratulated him.

-Yes I know! – said Leo, almost laughing – So? Anything?

-I’d like crisps – Chantel said, and Elliot nodded.

-Great, we’ll get them.

They didn’t need anything else, and they went back to their room. Or, Leo dragged Elliot to their room, almost skipping. When they got in he took out a tote bag from the closet, put in his wallet and handed it to him.

-We can’t come back carrying booze in full view – he explained, and Elliot took the bag and put his own wallet and phone in his back pocket. Leo looked just so happy, how could he ever say no to that?

-We really shouldn’t – he weakly protested, but Leo just shook his head. He suddenly took his wrists and looked him in the eye.

-Let’s get out of here – he whispered. A rush of warmth raised from his ankles and coiled in his stomach. He felt himself melt in a smile.

-Yeah – he whispered, watching as Leo got bright red.

-What’s going on?

As quick as he took them Leo let go of his wrists, and Elliot turned around to look at Richard, standing in the doorway with a towel on his shoulders.

-Father Philip said we could go to the village – Elliot explained, still feeling sort of high – Need anything?

-He’s sending you two? – he asked, sounding very dubious.

-Yeah, you can go ask him – Elliot answered before Leo could interject – We’ll be going now.

He took Leo’s arm and dragged him out of the room, effectively avoiding any and all protest from him. Once they were out of the building he let him go, and Leo readjusted himself.

-I thought I told you not to do that – he said, walking right to the road close by. Elliot followed him, bag on the shoulder.

-What?

-Don’t stop me from talking to Richard.

-Really Leo? – he asked, reaching him. He was considerably taller than him, but Leo was walking so fast on those unproportioned legs he had to make an actual effort to catch up – Just when Philip allowed you to go out you want to ruin it.

-I wouldn’t have ruined it – Leo observed, slowing down and putting his hands in his pockets – I would have talked to him.

-Yeah, telling him he’s an arsehole? You looked so happy to go to the village, I couldn’t risk it.

Leo chuckled, elbowing him on the arm.

-You noticed I was happy?

-I mean – Elliot answered, lifting the bag a bit higher – You were basically skipping through the corridors. I wouldn’t call it “noticing”.

-Well – Leo shrugged – I think it’s the first time I actually have permission to go down there.

-You said… - Elliot began. He was sure Leo told him that he used to get cigarettes down to the village, and he suspected he didn’t have Philip’s full approval, but always sneaking out was just searching for trouble.

-I know – he interrupted him – But you should have understood by now that I do whatever I want.

-Right – Elliot nodded – But now it’s allowed.

-You stopped using Scottish – Leo suddenly said, and Elliot furrowed his brows.

-I’m sure I said something yesterday.

-Yeah but you never even have an accent – Leo giggled – You have a nice accent you know? You could slip into it more often.

-If my mother could hear you she’d faint.

-Why?

-She was the one who forced me to learn “actual English” – he explained. She always hated his father’s accent, and she forced all of them to conceal their inflection and any dialectal word. They had a cadence nonetheless, but they mostly lost their honest accent.

-Forced you? –asked Leo, sounding confused.

-It’s not like I cared about speaking the Queen’s English – Elliot sighed – Or you think I was born posh?

-I mean, honestly…

-You were wrong.

-You don’t have to push yourself – said Leo – We all like your accent.

Elliot was tempted to smile for a second before they passed a curve. In front of them stood a small, stone village with a stream passing through it. It looked much prettier than Leo’s “four houses and a shop” had him hoping for. They made their way down deviating from the road and walking downhill straight on the humid grass.

The village was not empty, but not many people were around. It was half past noon after all, it was lunchtime, he was getting quite hungry as well.

-So, is there anywhere to have lunch? – he asked Leo, looking around. They were in a residential side of the town, but he could see what looked like a town square from the distance.

-There’s a place that sells sandwiches – Leo explained – They’re quite good and I know the owners.

-Nice – Elliot nodded, as they made their way to the square. It was great to not be on the hill, away from the church, away from Philip, away from there. He felt like the air was crispier, even though it was lower. Maybe it was just the lack of homophobes that made the air more breathable?

-It’s nice here innit? – Leo said, as if he was reading his mind. Elliot nodded, and they finally got to the square. It was paved with stone and lined with cute small shops. He could clearly see a flower shop and a tailor, and a small corner shop from which came an inviting scent of bread. That must have been the sandwich place. Leo went in that direction, passing a couple of small wooden tables and entering the shop.

-Good morning – someone greeted them from behind the counter.

-Hi Mia – Leo greeted, and the girl, it was a girl, behind the counter looked up. She had messy, unruly red hair not longer than his own.

-Oi, Leo! – she said, smiling brightly – You’re early.

-I know, and you know what the best part is? – he skipped to the counter – I’m here legally.

-You’re shitting me.

-I ain’t! Tell her Elly!

-Do not – he warned him, before looking at the girl – I’m Elliot and I’m his warden.

Mia laughed, shaking a napkin in front of Leo’s face.

-You struck a match here, didn’t you?

-No I didn’t – he sighed – What do you recommend today?

She seemed to think about it for a moment as she looked at the ingredients in front of her behind the glass. She pursed her lips, skimming through a great selection of food.

-I’d say a beef and bell peppers for sure. We got them fresh in today.

Leo nodded and from the curtain behind Mia came a man, he was absurdly tall, taller than Gregory probably, taller than his brother Fred even.

-Leo, nice to see you – he said, as he put a hand around Mia’s hips and kissed her cheek.

-That’s disgusting – Leo grimaced.

-Ethan, that is Elliot – Mia introduced him, seeing the man was looking at him full of curiosity. He raised a hand as if he had just been called from the teacher – He’s Leo warden.

-Mia… - Leo moaned.

-Leo’s boyfriend – she then said.

-No – Elliot immediately corrected. Leo pointed at him with his thumb without even looking at him.

-As he says.

-Pity – Ethan said. Elliot felt so scrutinized he cleared his throat – He’s hot.

-Okay, that’s enough – Leo said, tapping his hands on the counter and turning around – Bring us the sandwiches when they’re done love, we’ll pay you later.

Elliot felt Leo’s arm linked with his and he got dragged out of the shop as the two started laughing. Leo threw himself on a chair, but Elliot stayed standing up for a couple seconds.

-They don’t get boundaries – Leo excused them – But they make shockingly good sandwiches.

-Do we look like boyfriends?

Leo giggled.

-Are you serious? We look fucking married.

-I’ve known you for less than a week – observed Elliot, sitting down next to him as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

-No, no, no – Leo punched him on the arm – You’re buying fags, remember?

-Seriously, now? – Elliot groaned – I just sat down.

-Doesn’t sound like a me problem.

Elliot scoffed and got up, throwing his bag at him. He looked around and saw what looked like a general newsstand.

-What do you want? – he asked, but before Leo could answer he spoke again – Actually.

He walked away without hearing the answer.

-Oi, don’t you dare buy me shite stuff! – Leo shouted behind him. Elliot made a show of ignoring him, marching towards the place he saw. Of course he wasn’t gonna buy him shitty cigarettes, but at least he didn’t give him the satisfaction of listening to him. Such a silly thing, when did he get so silly. He got in the shop and he saw the owner, an old, kind looking man.

-Good morning sir – Elliot greeted him, and the man smiled.

-Good morning, how can I help you? – he said. Elliot got closer to the counter, and he saw a distinct selection of cigarette brands behind him.

-I’d like a pack of Chesterfield, a lighter, and… – he said, and he skimmed over the rest. What did Leo smoke? He never even saw the packaging, but they weren’t particularly strong.

-Benson – the man suggested. Elliot furrowed his brows – That’s what he usually gets – the man explained, nodding in the direction of the square, where Leo was sitting down at the table, tapping on the wood and sipping what looked like a beer.

-Benson it is – he sighed, taking out his ID and some pounds. The man took down the cigarettes from up on the shelves and placed them in front of him.

-Does everyone know him here? – Elliot couldn’t help but ask, and the man chuckled.

-Not everyone, but “the gay boy that runs away from the church once a week to buy cigarettes and beer” is a voice that goes around quite quickly.

-I guess – Elliot stated with a polite smile as he took his change and the cigarettes – Thank you, have a nice day.

-You’re welcome, you too! – he answered, as Elliot made his way back to the table. The sun had really started to shine bright, he was glad the table was under a roof. And he was especially glad to see a beer in front of his chair.

-You bought me straight tobacco? – Leo asked, drinking his beer. Elliot threw him his pack of Benson, and Leo hummed in satisfaction.

-He remembers you – Elliot explained, sitting down. He took out a fag from his own pack and lighted it. He inhaled deeply, following up with a sip of beer. That was heaven, was it? Beer, smoke, sun, a picturesque village. He heard Mia coming out of the shop, putting down two plates with full, heavy sandwiches in front of them.

-Here you go – she said – It’s on the house. It’s a congratulation gift for being able to come here legally.

-You don’t have to – answered Leo, but she shook her head.

-No really, we’re happy to do it – she assured him as she went back inside. Elliot thanked her but he was pretty sure she didn’t ever hear him. They started eating in silence, basking in the rare summer sun from the safe cover of the umbrella.

-This is paradise – Leo sighed some minutes later, alternating a bite of bread with a sip of beer, a fag already in the ashtray. Elliot had already put out his cigarette as well, and was way deeper in the beer than Leo was. He nodded.

-The closest thing I felt.

-We’re not pretentious here – Leo smiled.

-After a week up there everything feels like paradise – Elliot sighed, almost finishing his beer. He eyed Leo’s bottle and raised an eyebrow. Leo noticed him and scoffed mockingly.

-I’m not a pisshead like you…

-You’re a lightweight, are you? – Elliot grinned – You’re not the cool, rebellious teen you’d like to be…

-At least I admit I’m a smoker.

Okay, he had nothing to say to that. He took a bite out of the sandwich, almost feeling Leo’s satisfaction from next to him. It was obnoxious.

-I’m an occasional smoker – he finally answered, after seconds of thoughtful preparation.

-You’re trying to take the piss out of me darling – Leo answered, putting down a now empty napkin on an empty plate and lighting up a fag, as if to prove a point – Don’t appreciate it.

-Ah’m no – he muttered, chugging the remainders of his beer – I’m serious, I only smoke when I’m nervous. You just happened to meet me in a nervous landscape.

-That’s fair – Leo nodded, blowing the smoke out – The notion that we have to go back makes me wanna Ophelia in the river.

-Did you just use Ophelia as a verb?

-Did you understand what I said?

-Well, yeah – he admitted, stifling back a throaty laugh. What was about Leo that made him prone to laughter? He was never, ever prone to laughter. Actually, he was embarrassingly serious most of the time, even too serious for his own good, he couldn’t bear normal conversations without getting way too heated about something. Not that it didn’t happen with him, just… it wasn’t a deterrent – But it’s wrong.

-Forgive me Mr Nightray – Leo scoffed – Will you pass me if I give you a blowjob?

-I’ll think about it.

Leo turned to him and his eyes widened, and his lips stretched in a grin, right before he leaned back in his chair, as usual, and turned back to the paved floor under him.

-Thank you – he said, voice dripping with arrogance and amusement. It was as if that tone was the natural state of his voice. Elliot didn’t even feel too embarrassed. Okay, that was a lie, he now felt terribly embarrassed, but in the moment it just felt like the right thing to say, and he didn’t care about how it sounded, he just knew that he needed to say it. It was as if the bickering with Leo was on a level above basic human decency, and deserved to be confronted without any filters.

-I didn’t… - he tried to say, but Leo waved him off.

-Don’t bother, I know.

Elliot nodded and finished his sandwich as well. He took a deep breath, unwillingly breathing in some smoke coming from Leo.

-I’ve known for how many days? – Leo suddenly asked.

-Was it… Sunday evening? – he answered. He had to think about it for a second. It hadn’t even been a week.

-Remember that conversation about books? – Leo asked, a smile tugging at his lips.

-I do – Elliot nodded. Such a nice time.

-Did I surprise you?

Elliot furrowed his eyebrows for a moment, and tried to remember.

-Oh, right – he answered, taking a cigarette out and lighting it up.

-So? Did I?

-What do you mean? – Elliot asked, exhaling. It was so relaxing, he didn’t want to get up. Ever. Leo shrugged,

-Did I do anything that surprised you these past days?

-I suppose – Elliot sighed – I didn’t expect to get close to you.

Leo chuckled.

-What, was it a bet or something? – he asked, suddenly feeling scared.

-Not at all – Leo twitched his nose – God, I would have never, ever thought I’d end up like this.

-Like what?

-Like this. Sitting down, smoking and drinking with a bayden jock.

-Does bayden mean hot? – Elliot couldn’t help but ask.

-No it means rich, arsehole.

Not that it was in any way worse. But the question now was set in his mind. Did Leo think he was hot? Surely, he reacted quite well when he had taken his shirt off that day. He glanced at his clock and saw that it was already edging on three.

-We should start actually shopping – Elliot sighed – You know, the reason we’re here.

-Why do you have to be responsible? – Leo groaned, before looking in the distance, or to be more exact looking at the other side of the town square – What if we just ran away from here?

-To where?

-Dunno. We just make our way down to York and go from there.

-On foot – Elliot observed, but Leo huffed as if he just said something dumb.

-No, genius. We’d take a bus.

-That could work – he admitted. Leo clicked his tongue.

-Unfortunately you left your Armani shirt up there. Where would you go without that?

-I hate you sometimes – Elliot said, shaking his head.

-You don’t – Leo laughed, getting up and stretching – Let’s go.

Elliot got up as well, and Leo peered in the shop to say goodbye to Mia and Ethan. Elliot put the cigarettes in the bag, and he was sure he heard the word “boyfriend” again coming out not out of Leo’s mouth. Soon after he closed the door and turned back to Elliot.

-Now, corner shop – he said, pointing at a side road of the square – Time for alcohol.

Elliot shook his head and quietly followed Leo to the small road, into a grocery store which looked like it was ran by half a person. They took a trolley and quickly picked up some snacks for the “party”, as Leo called it, with air quotes. They didn’t really have an idea of what was needed, but food definitely was. After not much time spent on the food they found themselves in front of the alcoholics’ aisle. Leo looked terribly pensive, as if it was a matter of the utmost importance.

-Now this is a matter of the utmost importance – he declared, skimming a row of beers – What are we getting?

-These are not for the party – Elliot observed, and Leo turned his head back for a second, looking at Elliot as if he was an idiot.

-No, these are for Sunday.

-Why? – he had to ask, and Leo turned back to the bottles.

-Because he’ll be out in the evening, as always, and he’ll call an old friar from a nearby convent and he’ll fall asleep before nine. So we’ll have an actual party.

-Does everyone but me know this?

-No – Leo sighed – Why, do you think they won’t like it?

-No – he admitted – But-

-Wonderful – Leo said, clapping his hands – Now, beer for sure. At least half a beer each – he continued, crouching down to grab a case of beer, and putting it in the trolley.

-I’m sure not everyone is a drinker – Elliot observed, but Leo ignored him.

-Now, for shots.

-Shots?

-Shots – Leo nodded.

-Why shots?

-Because – Leo explained – We’ll need something to shot with drinking games. You can’t shoot beer.

-Nobody likes drinking games – Elliot observed.

-Are you gonna help me or you just wanna be a bother? – he asked, turning completely back to him. He looked mildly annoyed, arms crossed on his chest – I thought higher of you.

-Someone has to be responsible – he answered – What more do you want from me, I’m carrying the trolley and your bag.

Leo smiled and got closer to him, and put a hand up to caress his cheek.

-You’re a good husband – he whispered. He was close, much too close for comfort, and Elliot immediately felt a rush of blood to his face – But now be a decent teenager. Do it for me.

He didn’t have the strength to answer. He could have, he knew what to say, but Leo’s mouth was close to his face, and he wanted to die. He might have forgotten the kiss, it sure looked like it, but Elliot hadn’t. And getting close to Leo was harder by the day. He took a shaky breath and stepped back, clearing his voice.

-Yeah, shots – he said, scratching his neck and leaning back on the trolley, looking at the aisle of bottles on front of him – I still think nobody likes drinking games though.

-They do once they’re drunk – Leo said. Fair point.

-Fine – he sighed, defeated – Then it’s whisky or rum.

-I was thinking more pure gin.

-It doesn’t taste good – Elliot shook his head – Scotch whisky or dark rum. Or I’m not in.

He took one of the high shelves’ whisky and looked at it.

-Bloody hell Elliot – Leo exclaimed – We can’t afford that!

Elliot looked back at him and cocked him an eyebrow. He wanted a teenager? A teenager he was being.

-I am high maintenance – he said, and he saw a grin flashing on Leo’s face just before he turned away.

-Fine, whisky then – he said, grabbing a bottle from the middle row and putting it in the cart – I would never miss you playing never have I ever.

Elliot nodded and went back to the trolley, leaning forward.

-Are we done? – he asked, and Leo shook his head, grabbing a bottle of gin and putting it in the cart.

-Never say anything bad about gin to my face. Besides, we’ll need more than one.

-Just how pissed are you planning to get?

-Quite pissed – Leo answered, and walked away from the isle. Elliot followed him, but right before they could get away from there Leo stopped and looked at something.

-What? – Elliot asked, following his eyes. He was looking at the wine side of the aisle, and he was smiling widely.

-Look, it’s on sale – he said, pointing at an elegant bottle of Italian wine.

-I see it – Elliot nodded. He loved wine, truly, but he didn’t understand Leo in that moment.

-We need to get it – Leo whispered, and Elliot widened his eyes. He suddenly understood what was going on – I know you can’t afford it.

-Yeah I can – admitted Elliot – But I’m not splitting an eighty pounds wine with ten other people!

-No, not for splitting – Leo waved a hand, before looking him in the eyes – Just for us.

-Just for us?

-Yeah, we could drink it together.

He looked unfairly excited. He looked so enthusiastic. And it wasn’t too much money after all, and it was surely an amazing wine. And he kinda wanted to drink it together with Leo. Just maybe not in that context. He cleared his throat.

-We could… - he said.

-Please… - Leo begged him, closing in on him, placing his hands on his chest – Please Elliot…

-Fine – Elliot sighed – Take it. But I’ll choose when to drink it.

-What? – Leo whined, after placing the bottle in the trolley – What are we drinking now then?

-Cheaper wine – Elliot answered, picking up another bottle of red wine – Or beer. We’ll save that for a special occasion.

-You’re a Scrooge – Leo scoffed, going back and taking two bottles of beer.

-I’m buying you a wine more expensive than your whole outfit.

-You’re buying _us_ a wine more expensive than my outfit – he corrected him, placing the beer in the trolley. They made their way over to the checkout, and Elliot couldn’t help but notice the less than friendly stare the man at the counter was giving them.

-IDs please – he asked. That was a fair question, with all of that alcohol. Elliot took out his ID and watched Leo do the same. He understood Leo looked younger than he actually was, but he knew he fully looked his age. The man thoroughly examined the documents, and when he handed them back he looked disappointed.

-Fuck we need a bottle opener! – exclaimed Leo, running back to the alcohol aisle. Elliot lightly shook his head and kept putting the stuff up for the man to scan them. One minute later Leo still wasn’t back and everything had been scanned. Elliot was looking back. Why was he not back? Didn’t he find them?

-Excuse me, did my friend go in the right direction for a bottle opener? – he asked the cashier, sounding as polite as possible.

-Your friend – the man repeated, stressing the word way too much to be unintentional – Is maybe too drunk to find them.

-Too… He’s not drunk! – Elliot answered, surprised by his sentence.

-Is he normally like that? That’s even worse.

Elliot was stunned. He never met someone so rude before.

-How dare you… - he began, but he felt Leo’s hand on his shoulder and he turned around to watch him. He was panting, bottle opener in hand, a thin veil of sweat covering his cheeks. He felt something bubbling in his chest.

-Found it – said Leo in a feathery voice, placing the item down in front of the man.

-That’s great – Elliot answered, unsure of why he did it. The man huffed loudly and Elliot turned right back to him – If you have a problem with us make it present please.

Leo looked confused for a second, but the man just met Elliot’s gaze, and he didn’t have time to explain it to Leo in that moment.

-I have a problem with bents.

-Get over it – he answered – And give me the bill or I’ll call your manager.

He felt Leo’s hand on wrist as to calm him down. He took a deep breath as the man turned the machine towards him. Elliot reluctantly left Leo’s grasp and took out his credit card to pay. It was about a hundred pounds, but maybe his father wouldn’t have noticed it. He avoided the man’s gaze with all the strength he had as Leo put in bags all of their purchases without talking. When they were done they quickly organized how to handle the shopping bags.

-You’re disgusting.

-You’re dreadful – Leo answered before Elliot could even begin. He had a chill in his voice he never heard before – You’re a sad, pathetic man who takes his repressed issues out on teenagers who are helping making his salary make sense.

The man was frozen in shock, and none of them said a word as he and Leo made their way out of the shop, after placing the trolley back in its place. Once they were out on the road Leo let out a loud sigh.

-Fuck him so hard – he muttered – Bloody arseholes all around.

-Some people… – Elliot agreed, placing the bag higher on his shoulder. It was way too heavy – Now, how do we bring these in without Philip seeing them?

He lifted his case of beer up.

-I’ll text Jo, she’ll help us. Just hide our wine – he winked at him.

-You do realize like ninety percent of the money I paid went into that thing.

-We’ll wait for the right moment – Leo assured him – We’ll go watch the dawn down to the river and we’ll bring that.

-Not worth it – Elliot shook his head – We’d forget about it.

-You know what, you’re right.

-Why do you sound surprised?

-You really are an authority on booze – Leo said, ignoring Elliot – Okay, I’ll wait for your decision.

-Yes you will, I paid eighty knickers of my own for that.

-Come on – Leo whined – It’s gonna be good, I promise. You’ll get your money’s worth.

-I know it’s gonna be good, it’s Italian wine. That we are gonna drink straight from the bottle like cheap beer.

-It’s gonna be wonderful…

It was gonna be wonderful, wasn’t it? Drinking expensive wine straight from the bottle with Leo. It was gonna be perfect. He heard the bell of the church ringing four o’clock.

-It’s late – he said, as they entered the town square. Mia was out the store, smoking a fag and talking to the newsstand guy. When she saw them she waved, and they both waved back. Leo walked towards them.

-I don’t think I’ve ever introduced myself – he told the old man – I’m Leo.

-You’re the Benson and Hedges boy – he smiled – I’m Oscar.

-Yeah, I’m that boy – he chuckled – I didn’t know you remembered me, I’d have introduced myself.

-And that’s his boyfriend – Mia said, nodding towards Elliot.

-Can you stop, Mia?

Leo sounded serious, so serious Mia was taken aback for a moment.

-I’m sorry – she immediately apologized – I didn’t mean to… I thought he was…

-We’re not together – Elliot interjected – Just friends.

-Are you not gay? – Mia asked, confused.

-Well, I… - Elliot began, before deciding it was a bad direction to take – We’re just not together.

-I’m sorry – she repeated. Elliot waved her off.

-I’m not offended.

Leo scoffed.

-Yeah you ain’t. You wish you were doing this.

-Mh, the small broke Londoner – he answered, as posh as he could get – Basically a Dickens’s boy come to life. Who wouldn’t want it?

-You are an arsehole.

Elliot grinned, and Mia laughed out loud. Oscar quietly snickered.

-It’s a shame you aren’t together – Mia shook her head – But I suppose the heart has its reasons. I won’t bring it up again.

-Thank you – Leo nodded – Now we really have to go, before people start getting worried.

-Father Philip never gets worried – Oscar commented – He’s far too deep in his own narcissism.

-How true… - Leo sighed – Still, he might think we went out to shag. So let’s go back.

Elliot agreed and they waved them goodbye as they made their way back to the pathway for the church. Just fifteen minutes away was that dreaded place they managed to escape.

-I don’t think he suspects anything of us – Elliot blurted.

-Why not?

-I mean, we were out for hours. If we wanted to have sex we definitely would have had time. But he sent us here anyway.

\- Actually, he might be totally sure we’re together – Leo answered, changing the arm with which he was lifting the beers –You know, he puts up a show about praying the gay away, but he’s much too smart to think it works. And if someone was to engage in any acts, the further away the better.

That made perfect sense.

-Everyone thinks we’re together – he whispered, more to himself than to Leo, but he saw from the corner of his eye that Leo had the littlest smile on.

-Yeah… - he agreed – Almost shameful.

Elliot decided not to give him the satisfaction of a comeback, and they didn’t talk anymore for the better part of the way. What was there to talk about? Still, Elliot felt a weird tension hovering between them, almost a sense of… expectation? Guilt? He was guilty, as if he had any obligation towards Leo, towards that relationship. Then why did he feel like that? He cleared his throat, he couldn’t bear the silence any longer. But Leo preceded him.

-Wanna drink? So that we’re a bit more suited up for that – he asked, nodding towards the visible church just a few minutes away. Elliot huffed annoyed.

-Sure – he answered. The idea of seeing Philip again was appalling. They strayed from the path and sat down on the side of the hill, and he took out the two bottles of beer and Leo his bottle opener. They opened the bottles, that hissed beautifully in the afternoon sun.

-That man at the shop – Elliot asked, downing a sip of beer – Did you know him?

-I did not, in fact – Leo sighed, crossing his legs.

-What a piece of shit.

-Welcome to being gay – Leo laughed – It sucks.

-No I know that – Elliot waved him off – I told you about my family. I just didn’t expect someone to be so rude directly.

-You never really told me about your family – Leo observed. He was drinking much faster than before, considering also he had nothing to eat – I just know they’re homophobes.

-You get the type – he shrugged. He was not keen on talking about his family, but maybe Leo deserved some credit – As soon as they had a whiff of me not having children they sent me down here.

-Elliot – Leo called him, and Elliot turned to him. He was not looking at him, he was watching down to the village, glasses sliding down from his nose – You still haven’t come out.

-I guess – Elliot answered, drinking some more – Do you care this much?

-I don’t care – he corrected him – But you owe it to yourself. You’re enduring this nightmare and you can’t even admit why.

-I’m doing this so that I can go back home and live my life.

-You do know it doesn’t make any sense, right? – Leo asked. Yes, he knew it. Of course it didn’t make any sense, how could he live a peaceful life with them if he was, in fact, homosexual? Still, he didn’t have a plethora of choices. He would have had to find a job and hope to live as quiet a life as possible, and if it was to be loveless then so be it.

-As long as I can be untroubled – he sighed. Leo shook his head and leaned towards him, resting on his shoulder. Elliot felt as red as he could get.

-Isn’t happy better than untroubled?

-Sometimes happy isn’t a possibility.

-How tragic – Leo snickered – You’re nineteen, you could totally be happy if you wanted.

-I’d have to abandon my family…

-They don’t deserve you – Leo hummed, making himself comfortable on Elliot’s shoulder. Maybe it was the booze slowly affecting his brain, but he only felt warm and fuzzy and peaceful. He took another sip of beer. It was almost finished.

-I’ll take it as a compliment.

-You know the first time I properly kissed a man… - Leo sighed, drinking – He was like twenty-five, and I was sixteen. Thinking back to it is creepy as all hell, but I was drunk.

-Did he do something to you? – Elliot exclaimed, suddenly protective. Leo shook his head.

-Just a kiss, I had to go away right after. Still, I immediately knew.

Elliot wasn’t sure of what the story was meant to accomplish, maybe nothing. Maybe Leo was just getting dizzy and wanted to talk to him. He could have listened to him talk for days, especially if he was like that, head leaning on his shoulder without any embarrassment. He never wanted to go back there. He wanted to spend every second of his life down at the village, eating sandwiches and drinking beer. With Leo. Without anyone to tell him what to do. Leo lifted his bottle to drink, but noticed it was empty and made a distressed sound.

-Already? – he moaned, lifting himself from Elliot’s shoulder.

-All good things have an end – Elliot commented, finishing his bottle as well.

Leo nodded, then he took out a fag from the pack and lighted it. After a few seconds he started to chuckle. The chuckle quickly transformed in an outright laugh, and Elliot found himself giggling as well. Well, they were not really presentable now, were they?

-What? – he asked between snickers. Leo shook his head.

-I was just thinking… a Dickens’s boy…

Elliot scoffed, but he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face.

-Only someone like you – Leo laughed – Could conjure up such a moronic insult…

-You’re just saying that because I hit home…

-No, come on, that was so bad it was almost good.

-Thank you then – he answered – That’s unfair though, I don’t even like Oliver Twist…

-And you like me? – Leo asked. Elliot was not drunk, but the need to laugh and the context were enough to make him confused, and he couldn’t keep himself from giggling.

-More than Oliver Twist.

-That’s not that bad – Leo decided – I’ll remember this, you like me more than Oliver Twist.

They kept giggling uncontrollably for a good minute, before Elliot tried to catch his breath. They didn’t have all the time in the world, they had to get back to the camp, for how terrible it was.

-Come on Leo – he said, getting up and offering him a hand, which Leo reluctantly held to get up. He put out the fag under his shoe. He didn’t seem exactly stable on his feet, but he did his best to balance himself on the gentle hill.

-I have to text Jo… - he muttered, taking his phone out of his pocket. Up on the hill there was next to no coverage, and their phones were totally useless if not for music. At least, Elliot was sure that nobody had any connection, but Leo assured him Joanne always got his texts when he wrote her – How far are we from the top?

Elliot looked up, to the unmistakable silhouette of the church.

-Ten minutes if we were in shape. Right now… - he said, looking explicatively at Leo – At least fifteen.

-I’m perfectly fine – Leo answered with a scoff, sending the text. He put the phone back and grabbed his case of beers from the grass.

-So, ten or fifteen?

-…fifteen.

Elliot nodded, getting back on the dirt road climbing up the side of the hill. They could take it slow.

-Just to be safe – Leo quickly followed up his own answer, dragging himself behind Elliot – And also because I don’t wanna go back.

-I said nothing.

-I’m not an idiot. I know when people are judging me.

-I’m not judging you.

-Stop!

-I didn’t do anything.

Elliot felt himself pushed a bit forward, and he stopped in his tracks before turning to see Leo, the slightest bit flushed under his cheekbones and on his nose.

-Stop – Leo repeated.

-What, you wanna throw hands? – Elliot asked, sarcastically – I’m not judging you, and rest assured that I don’t care if you’re tipsy or just in a good mood.

-Well I’m not tipsy.

-Good for you – he answered, turning back and resuming his walk.

-You know just ‘cause you’re rich and hot doesn’t mean you have a right to be arrogant.

-I think you’re just making this conversation up in your head.

Well, those were compliments, even if hidden under an accusation. Leo was definitely tipsy, but he was not gonna tell him, that would have only made him angry.

-I know… - Leo muttered, catching up to him – I just… I had a good time today. I don’t wanna go back.

-Me neither – Elliot sighed. It had been such a nice day, he clicked so well with Leo, it was like they’d always know each other, as if they were meant to meet one day. It came so natural to him. From the depths of mind the image of the kiss rose back. He tried to fight back the subsequent terrifying images it inevitably evoked as well, but even those were muffled by that point. That also felt natural. No, that only felt natural because it was his first kiss with a man, of course it would feel natural, he was… the way he was. Leo didn’t like him, nothing personal, he was just trying to prove a point. And he didn’t like Leo, not like that.

-You’re thinking so hard it’s making me uncomfortable.

-I’m thinking about the “party” – he lied – It’s gonna be so sad.

-Yeah – Leo giggled. He still hadn’t come down the high, as it looked – I can’t wait for Sunday though. That’s gonna be terrific. This is a great group.

-But won’t Father Philip notice it on Monday? – Elliot asked. He had just thought about it.

-He’ll be back for lunch, we’ll just try to be up by then – Leo shrugged – And obviously if we could not throw up our intestines.

-Six beers, gin, and whiskey – Elliot listed, counting them on a hand – Let’s hope we all know our limits.

-Let’s hope – Leo repeated. They kept walking, and before they knew it Joanne came towards them with a wide grin. She took the beers from Leo’s hand.

-Nice – she commented – Welcome back, you took your sweet time.

-We would have been silly not to – Elliot answered, throwing away their empty bottles of beer in a nearby bin. He tried to be inconspicuous, it wasn’t his fault if there were no bins before then. Joanne immediately noticed and turned to Leo.

-You got drunk? – she asked, with wide eyes.

-No, we just relaxed a bit – he answered – Right?

-Right – he confirmed. He had no intention to rat Leo out, if he was feeling better and could pretend everything was fine. He waved himself – Today it’s a scorcher.

-Tomorrow’s gonna rain – Joanne answered, looking at the sky squinting – Well, if that’s all you need from me…

-No – Leo said, picking the whisky and gin from Elliot’s bag. Well, his own bag that Elliot had been carrying for the whole day.

-How much booze did you buy? – Joanne asked – I can’t carry all this…

-Fine, just the whisky then – Leo decided, giving her the bottle and putting the other one back in the bag.

-Did you get any actual snacks? You know, the reason you went there.

Elliot shrugged, looking in the bag.

-Something. We got some crisps for Chantel as well – he added, handing the pack over to her.

-Nice – she smiled – Did you do anything else?

Elliot would have had to be blind not to notice the stare Leo gave her, and she immediately stopped talking. He decided not to comment on it.

-Okay, I’ll take care of these – she said lifting all of the stuff in her hands – You go be alive with Philip, he started to get nervous about an hour ago.

-Brilliant – Leo said, and she climbed up the slope, wanting to get in the building from the back to not be seen by anyone. He and Leo continued their walk and no more than three minutes later they saw that same landscape Elliot had met when he first got there. The church down she small slope, the bedroom building with the iron table. It was depressing to say the least.

-Here we are – Elliot sighed – We should get this stuff inside before going to him.

Leo nodded and they got into the bedroom. It was empty, but that was rather unsurprising, since it was such a nice day, everyone was probably around the main room. They got the two bottles they had left out, and Leo put the gin in a little nook between the pillow and the mattress, where it wouldn’t have been shattered. Elliot took the bottle of wine and looked around. That had to be safe. He walked over to the wardrobe and took out his Armani shirt. That was a good idea if he ever had one. He rolled the bottle in his shirt and he heard Leo scoff. He could almost see the eye roll.

-Are you really doing that? Just wanna rub your money in my face.

-This is our wine – Elliot said – Which I paid for. And which I’m hiding in my own dress shirt. I’m giving this my all and I don’t like your tone.

-Fine – he sighed, before grinning – I can’t wait to drink that.

-Yeah – Elliot agreed, putting the shirt back in the wardrobe under his jacket – Let’s go.

They got out of the room. Now, where could Philip be? In the church, they decided, and they peered in. Philip was in fact there, talking with Richard. It looked like a confession, and they didn’t interrupt. But one of the two must have noticed them, because very shortly later they got out of the church.

-Welcome back – Philip greeted them – Did you get everything?

-We did – Elliot said, lifting the now much lighter bag up – We were gonna go put these in the fridge but we thought to report first.

That was an arbitrary use of the plural and he was aware of it, but he knew very well that Leo wasn’t gonna throw himself in the conversation with all the precautions that were needed. Philip smiled, and for a second he looked sincere. He turned to Leo and then back to Elliot.

-I’m happy that you’re bringing him on the right track.

Elliot felt Leo tensing up next to him and spoke before anything happened.

-Yeah – he simply answered – We’ll go now.

He grabbed Leo by the wrist and dragged him behind the church, to the kitchen. Leo let himself be dragged until they were in front of the fridge.

-Fucking piece of shit – Leo whispered as Elliot put their loot in the freezer – I hate him, I hate him so much…

-I know you do.

-The right fucking track? – Leo asked, looking incredulously at him – The right… Why is he like that? And why do you let him be?

-Because I just wanna go home – Elliot said. He was sure he had said that before.

-And you’re willing to throw me under the bus for it? – Leo asked. He sounded on the verge of tears, and all of a sudden a balloon of guilt raised up to Elliot’s throat.

-I didn’t do anything like that! – he protested, and Leo shook his head.

-Not yet – he corrected him – But it’s gonna happen.

-It’s not-

-It’s gonna fucking happen believe me – Leo said, laughing without joy – I know your type. One day he’ll ask you to choose and you’ll leave me alone.

-I won’t-

-Or even better – Leo continued, now clearly with damp eyes – You’ll feel on the edge and you’ll do something extremely stupid like side with him…

Elliot got closer to him and put his hands on his shoulders.

-It’s not gonna happen – he stated, and saw Leo blush. He was probably blushing too, but he didn’t care about anything except reassuring him.

-Promise.

Elliot felt his heart flutter in his chest. He was this close from Leo, he had short-circuited, he couldn’t stop staring in his eyes. His beautiful, indigo eyes.

-I promise – he whispered – Today was a wonderful day. Let’s not ruin it.

Leo nodded and took a step back, freeing himself from Elliot’s hands. He swallowed, catching his breath.

-You’re right.

In that moment Richard entered the kitchen and scanned them with a much too similar stare that father Philip had. Elliot cleared his throat.

-Hey Rick, we were just putting these down. Wanna help?

Richard hesitated for a second, before coming close to him.

-Sure – he answered. Elliot nodded and quickly glanced at Leo, who got out of the kitchen. Well that was a good start to upholding his promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! This was a really long one, I know, so long in fact that there's an an astonishing chance I made mistakes along the way. Forgive me if so. I really hope you're liking this, thank you so much for reading!


	7. Saturday 1

Elliot was sitting in his bed, the room completely empty except for him. He was still half naked, he hadn’t decided what to wear. The others were mostly off, Leo was out with Joanne, probably smoking, and the rest of them were all setting the party up. The problem was, everyone but Leo was dressed nicely, and he was sure the girls were well-dressed too, he couldn’t show up underdressed. But he couldn’t show up overdressed either, and Leo surely had done his best to make him feel like every one of his garments was much too fancy for the occasion.

The day had been mostly uneventful, they spent the morning cooking and the afternoon hanging up the decorations that Rose and Chantel made the day before. They looked pretty into it, even if they didn’t like the idea of the “party” they all acted excited about the preparations. Leo, on the other hand, had been in a bad mood since the conversation of the night before. Why did Philip had to say that? And why couldn’t Leo understand him? Of course he cared about him, but he couldn’t overthrow Philip’s authority now, could he? And even denying Richard was disobeying Philip at that point.

-Oh, you’re here.

He turned to the door and saw Richard standing on the doorframe, in a cotton tee and jeans.

-And you’re naked – he continued, turning a dark shade of pink. Elliot quickly threw on a t-shirt that he previously discarded on the bed.

-Hello – he greeted him – Do I need to come out?

-No – Richard answered, getting closer to him – I actually wanna talk to you.

-Oh – Elliot said, straightening up trying not to hit his head on the bedframe – Okay.

That felt like the beginning of a scolding. Why though? He did nothing wrong. Shit, did he find the wine? No, he would have been much angrier.

-It’s about Leonard.

Elliot cocked an eyebrow at him and, even though it hurt to admit, it took him a good second to understand he was talking about Leo. Why did he call him Leonard? Not even Philip called him Leonard.

-What about him? – he carefully asked. That could be a pretty bad conversation. But he had to endure it, he couldn’t not listen to him, or Philip would have interfered.

-You should stop, you know? – Richard sighed. It didn’t seem like he knew what he was saying, that was not a rehearsed conversation.

-Stop what?

-This… thing you have with him – he answered, gesturing vaguely.

-You mean the fact we’re friends? – he asked, and Richard looked unimpressed.

-Sure, friends. Come on, don’t be ridiculous – he huffed. Elliot was actually confused now. What did he want from him?

-I feel like we should make this clear – Elliot said, hitting his knees before getting up – What needs to stop between me and my friend?

-You know you should stop hanging out with him – Richard answered. Despite being shorter than him he didn’t look the smallest bit intimidated – You’re better than this.

-Better than what?

-Better than him, Elliot! – Richard exclaimed – Do you know where he’s from? Do you know who he is, really? You know he’s trying to stop your recovery!

-My recovery? – Elliot couldn’t help but ask, before realizing. But Richard seemed unfazed.

-You could do so much more. You could talk to Father Philip and truly understand yourself, and with time you would feel better, but instead you choose to sneak around with that… deviant!

-Do not… - he began, but he ended up biting his own tongue. He wasn’t talking to the cashier down at the village, he was talking to a boy two years younger than him, a boy probably felt like shit every morning when he woke up.

-I know you could if you just wanted-

-Okay, now listen – he began, building the sentence in his mind and letting the words out carefully, one at a time – I’m not sure why you feel the need to look out for me, but I can do it for myself. And I don’t think Leo’s preventing my recovery, I just like to spend time with him.

-He’s a sissy – Richard hissed, twitching his nose.

-Don’t say that – Elliot couldn’t help but say with just enough warning.

-Why? Am I wrong? – he asked, a strain of challenge in his voice.

-You still shouldn’t swear – he answered. That was a passable excuse. The real question was why he said those things, did he think it would help him pray the gay away?

-I’m serious. You come from an upper-class family, you have a name to uphold. You can’t allow yourself to waste time around people like him.

-You don’t have to remind me where I’m from.

He was starting to get upset. Who was he to treat him like that, who gave him the right to talk to him like that? Did he think he was Philip’s vessel or something?

-Then make better choices!

-I’m perfectly capable of making my own choices – he interrupted him with the smallest growl rising from his throat – And if one of those choices is walking to the river with Leo it’s my business and mine only.

-I feel like I shouldn’t be the one telling you this, but he clearly won’t – Richard said, shaking his head before looking him straight in the eyes – Father Philip told me that every session he’d choose someone and… you know, get with him.

Elliot blinked a couple of times, and a victorious grin stretched on Richard’s lips. He kind of knew already, after what Philip had told him, but he almost forgot about it, he had other things to think about, and it just seemed so silly, and he really didn’t want to think about Leo “getting with” people. But now he couldn’t stop. What did he usually do, was he trying to do that with him? No, he wasn’t. Or even if he had started out wanting to, which he doubted, after… that, he decided not to pursue him. Clearly. He wasn’t making any attempts to seduce him at all.

-He’s not doing that with me – he answered, but he heard his voice trembling, his uncertainness slipping through his lips like water.

-Are you sure? He looks at you like Cinderella looked at the prince.

-He doesn’t. And I don’t care. I… just don’t mind me okay? – he stuttered. Ok, now it was getting weird. He couldn’t concentrate – I can think for myself. And I won’t stop seeing Leo.

-Fine. But I warned you – Richard huffed – And, by the way, come out, we’re about to start.

He left the room, and Elliot sat back on the bed. He felt his heart beating a tad too much, a tad too strong against his ribcage. Leo was not trying to seduce him, he would have noticed. He wasn’t flirting, he definitely wasn’t trying to make himself look better than he actually was, he wasn’t pretending to like the same things as him. And it made sense he wouldn’t tell him about the… sneaking around. He would have been weirded out. He was weirded out. He took a shaky breath and walked over to the wardrobe. He took a polo shirt, a random one. It was light blue, good, it went nicely with his eyes. He had to talk to Leo. But did he want to? Not really, what did he want to know? Surely Leo didn’t like him, and if he did he wouldn’t have told him. And he also didn’t want to know. Somehow none of the outcomes seemed acceptable.

He got out of the room without even really thinking, and the first thing he met outside were Leo and Joanne, sitting down at the iron table. Leo was tapping a rhythm on it, but stopped when he saw him and grinned.

-What did I tell you Jo? So dapper.

-You look really nice Elliot – Joanne nodded – It goes with the studs. And your eyes.

-Thank you, Joanne – he answered, making a point of ignoring Leo.

-Oh please, please Elly grace me with your stunning blue eyes – Leo whined – I feel abandoned when you don’t look at me.

Elliot huffed. He was still too caught up in Richard’s words to come back at him, and Leo noticed instantly.

-Are you okay? I saw Richard coming out right before you, did he tell you something?

-No, nothing important – he waved him off – I’m just nervous.

-Don’t worry – he reassured him – It’s not gonna be that bad.

-And Rose is so amazing… - Joanne sighed, placing her chin on her hand.

-You know you could be less obvious – Leo observed, basically stealing Elliot’s words from his mouth.

-Tell me about it, “too gay for this” – she retorted – I just… I love her so much?

-Oh my – Elliot joked – Love even?

-Have you seen her? – she whined loudly – She’s an angel treading our Earth. She’s so nice, and so sweet, and she has the prettiest smile, and have you seen her boobs?

-Hard to miss them –mumbled Leo, uninterested.

-Are you two…? – hinted Elliot, raising his eyebrows.

-Kinda – she whispered – Don’t be offended if she doesn’t fall for you.

-Yeah Elly – Leo mocked him, but he sounded somewhat insincere – Don’t stare at her boobs too much. Jo will get all jealous.

-I’ll try – he answered. There was no way around it, Leo made him feel better even when he was not in his best form – If she does fall for me though I won’t blame her.

-You’d be such a magazine couple – Joanne shook her head – You’d have so many beautiful, blonde babies.

-God you’re gonna make me throw up – Leo grimaced.

-Damn, the thought of straight sex makes you wanna barf now? Did you get gayer? – she laughed.

-Apparently – he shrugged – Come on, if Elliot came out it means it’s late. Let’s go meet his date.

Joanne nodded and they both got up from the table. As he warned him, Leo was not dressed too well. But at least he was wearing clean jeans, and they were not ripped, and he looked… honestly, remarkably good. Not that Elliot was gonna inform him of that. They all walked down to the main room, and they were greeted by Rose and Cadhla chatting in front of the door. Rose was wearing a little blue dress and had her hair down in large curls. Cadhla looked really good as well, in a long yellow dress.

-You both look lovely – Elliot said, and Cadhla twirled on herself, making her skirt spin.

-Thanks – she said – And you’re a fine thing as well, ain’t ye?

-Yes, you look very nice – she said, before looking back at Joanne and smiling softly – You all look really good, actually.

Joanne whimpered and threw her arms at the smaller girl, making her giggle.

-Rosie… - she chanted, before whispering something in her ear that caused her to blush.

-Come on Jo, not now… - she said, and Cadhla scoffed.

-Not later either. You can’t keep humping with all of us there, you know?

-Kay – Leo called her – Are you with Greg after all?

-Yeah… - she sighed – I was so sorry, I begged him not to, but he insisted it wasn’t my fault. He was so nice…

-Wait, do you two touch in the room with the others? – Elliot had to ask the other girls, surprised that Leo hadn’t brought it up. Joanne let Rose go and cleared her voice.

-Just snog – she shrugged.

-Jo! – cried Rose, elbowing her.

-That’s terrible – said Leo, clicking his tongue – We, men of great refinement, settled this on the very first night, didn’t we Elliot?

-We did – he nodded. He couldn’t even imagine having someone make out in the room with him.

-Because you’re gay – Cadhla mocked them – So you’re all squeamish.

-Excuse me? – Leo laughed – You know how gay sex works, right? How are we squeamish?

-You know we really shouldn’t talk about this now – Elliot said, politely taking one of Rose’s hands and turning to the others.

-Yeah that’s highly inappropriate – Rose agreed, linking her arm with Elliot’s. That felt exactly like it felt with his girlfriends, but he didn’t feel pressured at all in kissing her or stuff like that. And what a hurtful relief that was. Joanne smiled and elbowed Leo.

-Look Leo, they’re so cute.

-They are – he agreed, but his voice had the same insincere inflection as before – You look so straight right now.

Rose huffed and dramatically dragged Elliot in the room. But she was smiling.

-Forgive her, she means well – she said. The room was dimly lit, with paper decorations hanging from all the walls and small bowls of snacks on the tables. The only person not there, except for the three they left outside, was Philip. Richard looked at him, no, he bore his gaze into him.

-Don’t worry, she seems like she really likes you – he answered, tearing his eyes away from Richard. Rose looked down at the floor.

-Yeah – she said – She’s my first girlfriend, you know.

Elliot nodded and caught Alex leaning against the wall, chatting with Chantel. Alex… if there was anyone who really was having a hard time there, it was Alex. That’s because Alex was straight, but he also was a man who hadn’t completely transitioned, and that really itched Philip.

-Hey Alex – Elliot greeted him. He turned around and smiled – Nice.

Alex raised his glass. Elliot and Alex had a deep respect for each other, they were constantly the best dressed people in the room, and that evening was no exception.

-Thank goodness someone gets clothing – he sighed – I felt lost with all these t-shirts.

-I didn’t know there was gonna be a dance! – Chantel interjected. She was wearing jeans and a crop top, and she looked ready to cut a man – How could I have known!

-No dear you look adorable – Alex joked and she huffed, shaking her hair. Elliot turned back to see Leo and Joanne talking in a corner, and soon after Gregory, Adam and Angela joined them from the other side of the room where they were chatting.

-Where’s Cadhla? – Gregory asked, looking around.

-She’s outside – Elliot said, pointing to the door. Gregory nodded and went out to his date, as Alex sighed. Elliot’s eyes landed on Richard, leaning next to the door.

-What should we do tonight? – asked Adam – Like, what does Philip expect us to do? Dance ‘til we’re straight?

-I don’t know – Alex answered, shaking his head – Nothing here makes sense.

-Of course it doesn’t – muttered Chantel – This whole idea is moronic. Oh, right, thanks for the crisps Elliot.

Elliot waved her off. Joanne had brought here the pack, so she still hadn’t thanked him. Gregory and Cadhla appeared back in the circle and effortlessly blended into the conversation, effectively dismissing only Joanne, Richard and Leo.

-You mean the whole conversion camp idea? – Rose asked politely. Chantel nodded, and the whole group was crossed by a general sense of unease.

-I mean, someone here doesn’t seem to think over so much – Gregory said, with a not so subtle nod ad Leo and Joanne, chatting like always on the other side of the room. They looked so at ease, like they had been friends forever and like the fact they were at a conversion camp didn’t bother them in the slightest.

-Yeah, how do they work? – Angela said, looking at Rose and Leo. He shrugged, and Rose giggled.

-Jo is just… confident.

-I see you already started bonding.

They turned to the door to see Philip.

-Except for someone… - he continued, turning to Leo and Joanne. She raised a hand to greet him.

-We were not aware we had to switch partners, were we Leo? – she said, and Leo shook his head, looking dramatically distressed – But we would never want to go against orders.

-No, that’s not a problem – Philip sighed, walking inside the room and putting a hand on Richard’s shoulder – Why are you alone Richard?

-I’m not – he said, looking over at the big group in front of him – Chantel is just having a drink.

-That would leave… Alexandra alone, wouldn’t it? – Philip asked, and everyone turned to look at Alex. Just hearing Philip say his old name was unsettling to say the least.

-Yes – he nodded quietly. Philip suddenly grimaced.

-What are you wearing?

-My best outfit – he whispered.

-You could have borrowed something more appropriate from the other girls – he said, shaking his head.

-I’m not the same size as any of them…

-That’s true – Angela interjected – We talked about it, I’m the closest, but he- uhm… Alex-andra looked ridiculous in my clothes.

Philip sighed and kept a darting look on Alex, who couldn’t hold his gaze.

-I’ll let it slide this time – he decided. Elliot furrowed his eyebrows. Something really good must had happened for him to be so nice. Alex brightened up.

-Thank you so much – he said, with the largest smile he could manage. Philip nodded as if he just blessed him.

-You’re welcome. I see you put a lot of effort in this – he commented, looking around the room over the various handmade decorations, finishing on the food table – All of you.

He moved his eyes on Leo, who accurately avoided the gaze by pretending to straighten his t-shirt. Elliot couldn’t help but be reminded of the conversation they had the day before. He was not trying to bring him on the right track or anything, but…

-Thank you – said Rose, luckily lifting the responsibility off of everyone else. Philip smiled.

-Now, pretend I’m not here – he said, patting Richard’s shoulder – And act like you normally would at a party.

Sure, that was gonna be easy. What would he normally do at a party? He didn’t often attend his classmates’ parties, he wasn’t an expert on those. And for the other kind of parties, his family’s parties… Yeah, those were not exactly fun parties. Still, the rare times he went to those parties he ended up drinking and brooding in a corner.

-Sure – Greg whispered – You’d love that.

The rest of the group giggled and Philip looked extremely satisfied. He said something to Richard, who reluctantly walked over to them, making them quiet.

-Am I such a nuisance? – he asked, pouring himself some juice – We should talk, or he’ll get suspicious of you all.

-I don’t really wanna talk to you, see – said Chantel, crossing her arms on her chest.

-Well you oughta – he hissed.

Elliot turned around, not caring about the small argument that was boiling up next to him, and looked at Leo and Joanne, talking to Philip.

-Why won’t you join the others? – he asked. There were a couple seconds of silence, in which Joanne shrugged, and Philip looked just about to investigate, but he was interrupted.

-We wouldn’t wanna stir them on the wrong track – answered Leo. Elliot found himself next to them before he could understand what was happening.

-Hey, Leo – he stuttered – Where did you put the cheese puffs? I thought we bought them.

-What?

-Why don’t we go look for them? Sorry Jo I’ll steal him for a second.

He grabbed his wrist and dragged him close to the table, but not too close that he could be heard by the others.

-What the actual fuck – Leo slowly articulated, and he scoffed.

-Are you kidding me Leo? Do you want him to hate you? Do you never want to leave here?

-Jesus Leo what was that? – a voice suddenly interjected, and Elliot saw Joanne touching his shoulder from behind. Leo scoffed.

-I was just…

-You can’t do this! Have you gone mad?

-Shut up! – he exclaimed – Just… shut up, okay?! I’ll sleep in the isolation room, I don’t give a fuck! You’re right, I can’t do this!

He turned to walk away, but Elliot grabbed his arm and dragged him closer.

-Don’t do this – he told him, in such a low growl he could swear he saw Leo shiver for a second.

-Why? – he asked, turning to look him in the eyes – I’m not like you. I can’t pretend I’m a good catholic boy.

-This is not the time to be dramatic – he answered, completely forgetting about Joanne, and probably Rose close to them, and even more probably Philip’s unfaltering gaze on them – Just be rational.

Leo chuckled, but the laugh didn’t extend to his eyes. He turned to look at him, and he looked like he wanted to say so many things but he stopped himself.

-Please Elliot – he said, his voice strained with tiredness – You don’t understand. Let me go.

As if the words had burned him Elliot quickly let go of Leo’s arm, and he walked out of the room. In that moment and that moment only he noticed the whole room staring at him. He hoped they couldn’t hear them, he was sure he had talked low enough for no one to make out the words they said. He felt something burn in his throat. He wanted to follow him, he needed to follow him, but he couldn’t. Not right now. He just couldn’t. He felt Rose’s hand in his own, soft.

-Come – she whispered, and gently walked him back to the group. He was embarrassingly choked up, he didn’t know if he had anything to say, but everyone was looking at him like they expected him to say something.

-What… - Adam began, but Elliot saw Joanne shaking her head.

-You know, he is… He looks like he doesn’t care, but he really feels this whole thing.

-He did say he was too gay for this – observed Angela.

-He’s kinda weird… - Chantel commented, twitching her nose.

-He’s not – Elliot shook his head. He didn’t have control over his words – You don’t know him.

-I didn’t mean it as an insult – she quickly corrected herself.

-He is weird, Elliot – Joanne clarified – I know you like him, but he can’t act like this.

-I don’t like him – he immediately answered. Why did they think he liked him? Couldn’t he just be his friend? Because that’s all there was to it.

-You don’t like him? – someone asked, Elliot wasn’t sure whom.

-No, I do – he stuttered – I… not like that. He’s… We…

-Don’t choke, please – Joanne said, patting his shoulder – We know it’s not “like that”.

-You really shouldn’t just let him get away with it. Father Philip definitely won’t – Richard interjected, and Elliot had to control himself.

-Do you try to be a horrible person or does it just come naturally to you? – Rose asked, her voice sounding much less soft and sweet than before.

-You know what? Let’s have some fun – Joanne decided – I don’t have my date anymore. Alex, will you be my date?

Alex smiled and put down his glass, offering her a hand which she immediately took. As if she heard her cue Cadhla went and turned on the music, some of that summer reggaeton that Elliot was sure he heard before, but it could very well be a song from last year. Gregory took her by the hand and brought here in the middle of the room, and they started dancing with the other couple. Soon after the tension was mostly dissipated, but Elliot was still next to the table, leaning back against the wall. Rose was in the middle of the room, dancing cheerfully with the others, couples promptly forgotten, everyone just talking with each other. Philip had to be proud, they were definitely merging between girls and boys, even if probably not how he would have wanted. Even Richard was dancing, and he looked quite at ease, actually, talking with Angela. For a brief second it didn’t look like conversion therapy, it was just a summer camp.

He saw Philip get up from the chair next to the door and go outside. He suddenly felt a lump in his throat. Was he looking for Leo? He couldn’t do anything to him, nothing physical at least, and he had done nothing except getting out of the room. He was probably just going to attend his business. Elliot shook his head. Why was Leo all he could think about? There were a lot of nice people there, he could have had a nice evening. He saw Rose coming near the table, her glass in hand, a faint smile on her lips. When she saw him, her smile fell.

-You’re not coming? – she asked, filling her glass up.

-This is not really my thing – he shrugged. His voice was hoarse but that was rather unsurprising, he hadn’t talked in almost an hour.

-Let me know if I can do something – she whispered, and Elliot nodded. She went back to the others, and Elliot saw him tell something to Joanne, who turned to look at him. Elliot sighed and grabbed some crisps. He had to distract himself. Why wasn’t he having a nice time? He didn’t even know Leo that well, how could he not think about anything else?

-You can’t brood all night long.

He turned to see Joanne, hand on her hip, looking annoyed at him.

-Yes I can. That was my plan anyway – he answered. It wasn’t a lie, he never planned to dance or party, but in his plan he wasn’t the only one brooding.

-You know – she sighed – I think we should have a talk. Just the two of us. But not now.

-I don’t have anything else to do.

Joanne closed her eyes and put her hand on her temple.

-Philip’s gone to sleep. You can go.

Elliot quickly glanced at the door. Could he go? Technically, sure, but did he want to? Just going after him would mean so many things.

-Where? – he asked. He couldn’t have fooled anyone, and especially not Joanne.

-Elliot please.

-You’re his best friend here, you should go – he protested weakly.

-Yeah because I’m the one whom he got drunk with – she said, shaking her head. Just hearing her tone in that moment made him feel something inside him quiver.

-I’m not sure he wants to see me right now…

-Elliot – she called him, looking at him in the eyes – Just go.

He didn’t have complete control of his actions, but she sounded so tired with his behaviour he was ashamed of himself. He put down the glass and almost ran out the room, ignoring anyone who might be looking at him. Once he got out he realized how late it had become, and he looked at his watch. It was half past ten, and it was now completely dark outside. Now, where was Leo? He walked up the slope. The river was the most obvious place, but he didn’t look like he wanted to go there alone. Maybe he was back in the bedroom? He said he was gonna sleep in the isolation place there, but maybe he was collecting his stuff. He walked past the church and he heard a sound. It was faint, but it was the sound of an organ. He hadn’t noticed an organ in the church.

He got closer to the door, which was open by a few centimetres. Philip had gone to sleep, or so Joanne had said. The church was immersed in darkness, but behind the altar came a faint light. The music was clear now, someone was definitely there. He walked down the aisle, trying his best not to make any sound. Whoever was playing was good, and he didn’t want to interrupt them. He peered behind the altar, in the choir, and he saw Leo leaning on the organ, delicately caressing the keyboard.

-I didn’t know you could play the organ – he said. What a lame sentence to start with. Still, Leo jumped back and looked startled at him.

-Elliot? – he asked, without moving – What are you doing here? Did something happen?

-Well – he said, leaning against the column – You ran away like a damsel in distress. I came to look for you.

-I ran away like a big strong man, excuse you.

He didn’t smile. In fact, he was kinda mad.

-Why did you do it? – he asked, realizing himself he sounded quite annoyed.

-I already told you I can’t do it.

-You can’t do what?

-I can’t pretend everything’s fine!

The acoustic of the choir only helped him sound louder. Elliot’s rational side was afraid they would have been heard, but he needed to talk to Leo more than he cared about it.

-Because everything it’s not fine! – Leo continued talking – Maybe you don’t have any issues in faking it but as I’m sure I said before, I’m too gay for this!

It made more sense than the words used made it out to.

-Believe me, I understand more than you think – Elliot sighed. He wasn’t ready to talk to Leo as openly as he deserved, but maybe he would have. Just… in the future.

-I didn’t mean to worry you – Leo muttered. It sounded just like an apology, the only things missing were the words “I’m sorry”. But they weren’t always needed.

-I wasn’t worried – he lied, getting closer to the instrument – I just wanna know if you need anything.

Leo hesitated for a moment, before flashing him a mocking grin.

-Company? – he said, and Elliot’s heart skipped a beat – If you don’t mind me playing.

-I don’t.

-And to refer back to before – Leo continued – I play the piano, not the organ.

-Me too – Elliot answered, and Leo smiled, surprised.

-You do?

-I do – he repeated, amused by Leo’s surprise – And I play the organ too. I learned it in church though, I’m better with piano.

-Oh now I’m thrilled – Leo joked, cracking his fingers – You should know that I learned piano in strip clubs.

He was less surprised than he should have been, but the conversation had become natural again, and he even felt quite challenged as well. Except, he heard Leo play, and he heard how good he was.

-Is this a challenge? – he asked with a smile tugging at his lips.

-I’ll take you down love. Even not on my instrument.

-Bring it.

Leo smiled and put a finger on his chin, thinking about what to play. After a while he seemed to have decided. Elliot leaned on the organ, crossing his arms and resting his chin on them as he felt the vibrations starting to come out of the wood. He didn’t know the piece, but it sounded like something along Beethoven’s lines. A couple seconds after he realized just how Leo was playing. He sounded wonderful. Magical. Leo had a certain touch… he didn’t have that touch, nobody he ever heard had that touch. Leo’s technique was flawed, without a doubt, but he wasn’t gonna complain. And to be fair the organ didn’t do Beethoven any justice. Still, he was spellbound. He was staring at Leo from his position, a little bit bent over the keyboard, uncovering even more the clear lack of method, and he saw him lost in the music, his eyes gently looking at his own hands, the smallest of smiles on his lips. He looked dazzling in the darkness. He was beautiful.

Leo reached the end of the piece and stopped playing, but Elliot had ended up so distracted he noticed the absence of vibrations with a few seconds of delay. He raised his eyes, meeting Leo’s. He was flushed, smiling, his hair was covering his glasses, but Elliot could see the twinkle in his eyes.

-That was really good – he decided to say. It was, obviously, but the truth was that he felt something different than just “he plays well”. But he couldn’t exactly spell it out for him.

-This doesn’t do it justice – Leo said, tapping the wood. Elliot walked over to the bench.

-Make way – he said, and Leo respectfully scooted over – You see, you don’t get the organ.

That was a pathetic excuse and he knew it very well. Leo was good, better than he thought, he played with a passion he rarely heard, but Elliot was a professional.

-You have to play something that fits it.

He started to hint a Bach’s piece, something he learned at conservatory but often used in church. Leo moved further on the bench, and Elliot had enough space to actually use both hands to play the piece as it should. He remembered it by heart, his muscle memory stronger than any music sheet, as usual. He exploited his knowledge of the instrument, using every keyboard the organ provided. He couldn’t see Leo, but he hoped he was even the tiniest bit impressed. He was in good shape, and hearing Leo he was confident he could flaunt everything he had. After about five minutes he decided to wrap it up, the piece was eternal and although he loved to play it almost felt unfair to take the keyboard from Leo’s fingers.

-You’re good – Leo said. He wasn’t looking at him.

-Thanks – he shrugged – I’ve studied piano since I was six.

Leo rolled his eyes and threw his head back with a scoff.

-Of course you did – he whined – Considering how I learned it I’m more impressive.

Elliot shook his head, playing a scale.

-We have a lot in common, dunne? – Leo asked rhetorically, and tapped the keys – Wanna play something?

-Like this? – he inquired – Without any sheets?

-I thought you knew some four-handable pieces by heart – Leo shrugged – But I guess…

-No I do – Elliot felt the need to clarify – I don’t know if you know them, they might be a little high-end.

Leo looked at him, eyebrows raised.

-Try me.

Before he could understand what was going on they were harmonizing on a Chopin study. Nothing fancy, but they found a connection, they knew what they were doing. It was electrifying. They were grinding pieces one after the other, only speaking if strictly necessary and only about what was needed. Elliot was happy, happier than he had felt in months, he actually couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever been so at peace.

-Guys.

They suddenly stopped playing and saw Gregory and Adam at the entrance of the choir, just by the altar. Adam had a small smile on, while Gregory just looked tired.

-It’s midnight.

-It’s what? – Leo asked, scrambling to get out of the bench. Elliot helped him by jumping out as well. He didn’t quite remember how to walk, but he was gonna do his best.

-Hell – he muttered – I hadn’t even…

-No me neither – Leo shook his head, as Elliot turned off and closed the organ.

-We were worried – said Gregory, hands crossed on his chest.

-Sure you were – Elliot said, as they all walked out of the church.

-It was fun – Adam suddenly interjected – The party. Richard went out for something right after you and didn’t come back though, Chantel said he was in bed, reading.

-I have to apologize to Rose – Elliot muttered as they got into the bedroom building, as quietly as possible.

-I have to run – Leo said – I had to be downstairs like an hour ago, but someone nailed me to the fucking organ bench.

-Shut up – Elliot scoffed – You could have walked out at any point.

-I couldn’t because you kept playing.

-That is not-

-Please! – Gregory sighed – Stop.

-Why do you always stop us when I am talking though! – Elliot exclaimed, and Leo giggled. They were in the room already, and Leo was taking his pyjama from under the pillow. Richard was really there, sleeping sound under the blankets.

-Because you’re wrong, and I am right.

-Arrogant Sassenach.

Leo grabbed his chest dramatically.

-Oh how I missed this side of you.

-Stop! – Gregory repeated – Oh my God you are just ridiculous.

-Fine – Leo said – ‘Night lads, see you tomorrow morning.

They all waved at him as he walked out of the bedroom.

-Are you sure you met last week? – Adam asked once Leo was well out the room. It took Elliot a full second to get that they were talking about him.

-You saw us – Elliot shrugged. He knew what Gregory was talking about, but he didn’t really wanna bring it up. It scared him – He hated me.

-I mean – Adam scoffed – Did you see yourself? You came in an Aston Martin dressed for a country club evening and looking as straight as uncooked spaghetti. It was intimidating, I don’t blame him.

-Do you all hate me? – he had to ask, raising an eyebrow.

-Not anymore – Gregory answered – You’re actually not bad.

-You pushed yourself here Greg – Adam joked – We never hated you, and we stopped having doubts after Wednesday. You looked so at ease with Leo, you couldn’t be bad.

Elliot nodded, and prepared to go to bed. Well he wasn’t wrong. He didn’t have the exact perception of himself, and he realized just how nervous he was for the very first days. After all he did come in an Aston Martin wearing hundreds of pounds on his body. The real question was when he became so accustomed to Leo and to all that environment. He wanted to leave, sure he did, but he never really considered that after those two weeks he would have lost him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Nothing much to say here, besides me confessing my undying love for piano and drama. So the usual. Again, thank you, hope you're enjoying this and hope to see you again!


	8. Sunday 2

It was pouring outside, it started raining in the middle of the night at it still hadn’t stopped now at breakfast. Leo looked awfully tired, but he was eating, which was at least reassuring. They already prayed, and thanked and everything, and Elliot was eating his bacon.

-You really missed a nice evening, ye know? – Cadhla said, attacking her toast – It was fun.

-I bet – Elliot answered – I’m not keen on that kind of things.

-I didn’t think I was gonna have fun, but when Philip left it was relaxing. I like the people here, even if they’re mostly English.

-And that’s unforgivable – Joanne nodded on the other side of Elliot – Do you think they put us three next to each other to segregate us?

-That’s not below them – Cadhla laughed, and even got a smile out of Elliot.

-What are you laughing at? – Richard asked from next to Cadhla.

-Nothing, just our hatred for the Empire – Cadhla answered. Her words had some bite to it, but she wasn’t exactly brutal, which took Elliot by surprise.

-I get it – he laughed – My mom is Welsh, and she’d agree.

-You were right, Jo! – Cadhla exclaimed – They are segregating us!

Joanne raised her glass of water as a confirmation. That was weird, why did Cadhla look friendly with Richard but he avoided Elliot’s gaze? Something was going on. He leaned over to Joanne to whisper to her.

-Did Richard change overnight?

-He was almost bearable yesterday – she explained to him – For the little time he stayed with us. I don’t know why. In fact, what time is your confession?

-I should be the last one today – he remembered. He didn’t have much to tell Philip, so he was probably just gonna drag him in a philosophic discourse again.

-Shame – she said, and as to crown her words a thunder roared in the room.

-It’s lashing out of the heavens – whistled Cadhla.

-Why is it a shame? – Elliot asked Joanne.

-I need to talk to you, I told you yesterday, but today we don’t sync up unfortunately.

-Do I need to be worried? – he inquired, jokingly, but with a sprinkle of actual worry in his voice.

-I wouldn’t say worried – she answered. Great, now he really was worried. They didn’t talk for the rest of the breakfast, but soon after it was over anyway.

-Now – Philip began, without standing up. Not a good sign – I quite liked what we did Friday morning, didn’t you?

No, not again. He turned to Leo, and he looked everything but surprised.

-Yesterday was a success for almost everyone – he continued, without looking at anyone in particular. Maybe he didn’t know that he ran off – I saw many interactions between all of you, and I hope you are more ready than ever to tell us what you regret about your former life.

Hell no he wasn’t. Not that he had anything to confess about his former life, but still.

-Adam, why don’t you come up here – Philip called. Wonderful, he wasn’t gonna be called. Thank goodness. Maybe he didn’t want to call on him, he could think of a couple reasons why. Adam got up and went to the front of the table.

-Uhm… good morning – he greeted everyone in the room and Philip – What should I say?

-Tell us about you.

-I’m Adam – he said, slowly – I’m from Manchester.

He didn’t continue, and Philip sighed.

-Remember our first day? What is your sin?

-My sin is that, uh, I like men – he answered, sounding calmer than Elliot expected. He was definitely trying his best to be as calm as possible – And I… regret my former life.

-It doesn’t sound like it – Philip observed, cold as a storm cloud. Adam swallowed and cleared his throat.

-I do – he weakly protested.

-Tell me – Philip said – Have you ever engaged in romantic actions with a man?

-I… have – he whispered. All the confidence he showed before was dissipated instantly.

-How much.

-How…?

-Do not make me repeat myself.

-Not too much – he said. It was so awkward to watch, it was almost painful – Only… superficial things.

-And you realize it’s a sick activity that puts you against God and decency?

-I do.

-Tell us.

-I’m sorry – he started, voice trembling – To have gone against God and decency.

It was less of a dumpster fire than Gregory’s, but it was still terrifying. And it was only the first of the two. Philip nodded, looking satisfied.

-I hope you truly are sincere. You can go sit back down.

Adam nodded and went back to his place. Angela looked distressed to say the least, but she hesitated to comfort him with Philip’s gaze still on him.

-Now, we don’t really have time to call a girl up – he sighed – I have a lot to tell you. So, as you know today we’re gonna handle confessions. Before that, in an hour time we’re going to have Sunday’s holy mass, so I ask you to present yourself as well as possible. If any of you feels like they want to help us celebrate by singing or playing the organ in the choir – he said, darting his eyes on Leo – Is obviously welcome.

-Elliot can play – Leo said, pointing at him. Why did he point to him, why did he call his name? He stuttered, but then saw Philip’s bright eyes and almost choked.

-Can you really? – he asked. He couldn’t lie, not after Leo ratted him out like that.

-I can – he muttered.

-Oh that’s wonderful – he exclaimed – Then if you could come a bit earlier, to tell me…

-No, I can improvise – he interrupted. It sounded brash, he realized, but he really didn’t wanna talk to Philip one second more than necessary.

-Perfect, but I’d still like you to come earlier.

Elliot nodded, defeated, and felt one of Joanne’s hands on his thigh, comforting him.

-Also – Philip continued – Tonight I’ll have to go to a sister chapel, I’ll have to leave at five. There’s gonna a be a friar from Middlesbrough in my place, I expect you all to be respectful. I will see you all in church before ten.

They all got up and started walking out of the room, and Elliot saw Leo trying to run away. Oh, he wasn’t gonna run away. He widened his stride and caught him by his shoulder just outside the door.

-You turncoat – he hissed. Leo stopped on his tracks, and Rose, who was talking with him, was quickly retrieved by Joanne who took her away from the rain under the roof trim.

-I had to – Leo said with a mocking smile.

-Did you, Leo? Did you?

-You called me Sass-something yesterday – Leo reminded him – And you saw how he looked at me. I would have had to play again!

-So you turned me in.

-It’s gonna be fun! – Leo chuckled – You’ll wear your Armani shirt, you will use all of the keyboards and play Bach like a good catholic boy should. And I will be so proud of you, and Philip as well. Perhaps if you’re really good Philip will ask for a concert instead of confessing you. He never asked me, but…

-You – Elliot said, opening the bedroom door – Can go fuck yourself on a long, thick oak branch.

-Bloody hell – Gregory burst out laughing.

-I never put something quite that size up there, but if it’s a challenge I’m up, and know that-

-Too much information – Adam stopped him – Please, dear God.

-We’re just chatting – Leo explained – Elliot’s angry because he gets to play the organ in front of a bunch of elders.

-Oh so there are gonna be other people.

-And you’ll be the best thing of their day –he smiled – I’m gonna take a shower if it’s fine with you all.

Nobody had anything to protest, so Leo went out to the bathroom, where Richard probably already was. Elliot had already taken his shower before breakfast, so he just went to his wardrobe. He was drenched, but he luckily still had a clean towel with which he quickly dried his hair. He started looking for his shirt. He didn’t immediately see it, and he remembered why when he saw it, rolled in a cylinder containing their wine bottle.

-A long, thick oak branch? – Gregory asked, and Elliot shrugged.

-I admit it was crass.

-Well at least you’re confident – he laughed, and it took Elliot a second.

-Wait, no, I wasn’t… I didn’t mean…

-Sure you didn’t.

The other two kept snickering under Elliot’s mildly flustered and disapproving glance, until he finally turned around to dig in the closet for something to wear.

-I need advice – he said, eager to change topic. He quietly rolled the bottle out of his shirt and placed it inbetween his other jeans – Dress shirt or polo shirt?

He turned around, holding both garments in his hands.

-Can I be honest? – Gregory said with a sigh – You look stunning in a white shirt. But it makes us all like three times gayer.

-Is it a compliment? – Elliot asked looking at Adam.

-It is – he confirmed – I’d say dress shirt. Father Philip will be honoured.

-Armani it is – he sighed, putting the polo shirt back in the wardrobe.

-Armani – Gregory repeated, in such awe it was almost funny, and Elliot nodded.

After he dried his hair as best as he could, he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and freshen up, and he could hear the two showers going. The thought that Leo was in one of those hit him like a bus. He was there, naked, wet. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, cast out the bad thoughts. He suddenly heard one of the two showers turn off and he basically ran out of the bathroom. He got back in the room and put the shirt on, and he straightened it just in time to see Leo get into the room, wet hair on his clean jumper. He grinned at him.

-Debonair.

-Shut it.

-Is Rick still there? – Adam asked, ignoring them, as if their bicker was but white noise.

-I think so, he started right before me, I heard him turn on the water.

A couple minutes later Richard entered the room, perfectly dressed, and he scanned Elliot. He didn’t feel the same way as when Leo stared at him, he ended up somehow awkward, under an undesired spotlight.

-Isn’t it a bit much? – he observed, putting his wet towel down on his bed.

-No, it’s nice – Leo answered for him – He’s gonna play the organ, he has to be presentable. And there is a chance he’ll get all wet, and the shirt will cling on his chest…

-No you have to change – Greg sighed – I didn’t think about that.

He didn’t want to change, he liked to look good and in that shirt he looked phenomenal. He actually brought that with the specific purpose of Sunday mass, he just changed his mind halfway through the week, but at that point.

-You really should stop – Richard began – All of this lightness around certain matters.

-You should have heard this one before – Leo scoffed – And what he told me to stick up my arse.

-It was the rush of the moment – he defended himself, but Richard already looked uninterested in the matter. Unfortunately, Elliot couldn’t stall longer: he had to go, so he waved the others an almost mournful goodbye as he took an umbrella and got out of the building and into the church.

Philip was already in there, with a couple of old ladies, he supposed from the village or nearby towns. He brightened up when he saw Elliot, and excused himself out of the conversation. They talked quickly about what to play, and Elliot ended up having carte blanche for the whole time, seeing that Philip had put his faith in his years of experience. He got behind the altar, to the choir. The idea of having to play there without Leo was weird, but he couldn’t say he was nervous. He had done much more embarrassing things than play in a small country church.

-Usually I get Leo to play – Philip explained – I’m glad I have you today.

-Is he bad? – he asked. What a dumb question, he knew Leo was good, but he wasn’t sure if he could admit that he heard him play before.

-No – he answered dry as sand – But I don’t like having someone like him play to the word of God.

Elliot nodded and sat down on the bench, opening the organ. He started playing something for the entrance, and Philip looked ecstatic. The mass went quickly, he played well, as usual, as he would have played back home. Nobody had anything to say, at least. When he wasn’t playing he mostly looked at Leo, in one of the very first benches on his right. The church was not as empty as one might expect, but he didn’t care if anyone saw him. The fun thing was, Leo responded to all of his looks. He nodded, he sighed, he shook his head, he mouthed words and made Leo laugh under his breath and possibly curse in his mind because he couldn’t answer. It was fun. It sounded like the rain was much worse than before, now that the real thunderstorm with lightnings and all had passed. When the mass was over Philip told them he had to confess the congregation, and he invited them to go back to their rooms or to the main room until lunch.

-Do you know – Leo said when Elliot reached him – How close I was to flipping you off in front of the whole church.

-Mh, I can imagine.

They were off the far end of the church, right by the door, waiting for the rain to slow down while a couple of people were waiting in the frontlines.

-You were really good! – Rose exclaimed from next to Leo.

-Thank you.

-No, really, wow! – Chantel reiterated – As if you needed to be any hotter, you’re also a musician.

-Shouldn’t you be a lesbian? – Leo asked.

-Beauty is objective, and so is hotness. But yes I am a lesbian.

-I thought you were American – Joanne interjected, wrapping her arm playfully around the girl – What did I miss?

-I’m not, and you have to stop – Chantel rolled her eyes – Not everything moment is a vine moment.

-I strongly disagree.

-You missed Chantel and your wifey sucking Elliot’s cock – said Leo.

-We are in a church! – Elliot hissed, looking around – And nobody was doing any of that – he reassured Joanne.

-I bet you’re just mad they took your place – Joanne told Leo, ignoring Elliot altogether. He was truly starting to fume at that point. He walked out of the church without any umbrella, he needed the water to clear his mind and to maybe soften his reddening cheeks. Once he was out in the rain he heard Alex yelp.

-Elliot your shirt!

Oh, right. He forgot about that. But it was just getting wet, nothing too bad, just water. If the wine bottle had broken, now that would have been bad.

-It’s just water – he yelled back, the noise of the rain covering his words. A second after Leo got out of the church under a small, sad, black umbrella, the sort of thing that leaks water even on a nice day, and covered him. He could have protested, he could have said a lot of things, but he didn’t, he stayed under the rain, next to Leo, both completely drenched.

-She’s just messing with me – Leo whispered. He looked almost ashamed.

-I know – he sighed – I shouldn’t have run. Now I’m all wet.

-I like it – Leo joked, and Elliot felt himself blush – Sorry.

Elliot turned to look at him. It was the very first time he heard Leo say the word “sorry”. He was looking at the ground… bashful?.

-No worries, I know you’re just saying.

-Sure – Leo smiled – You know, they’re right. You’re good.

-Thanks.

The rain kept falling on them, and it was so relaxing, even if he was damp and everything was damp Leo was warm next to him.

-Let’s go inside – Elliot decided to say, taking the umbrella from him and walking to the bedroom building. Once they were in they got into their room, completely alone.

Elliot unbuttoned his shirt and took it off while Leo very carelessly rinsed his hair, making the water fall on the floor. Elliot couldn’t hold a stifled laugh.

-You look like a wet cat.

-Well you look… – he began, turning at him. He stopped for a moment, like he was thinking of what to say – Like a moron. You ran out in the rain.

-About tonight – Elliot began, getting the shirt off and hanging it on a hanger from the corner of Leo’s bed, making it drip down on the wooden floor – It’s raining too much to stay outside.

-We usually did it in the main room – Leo said – You know the weather isn’t kind when you have plans.

In that moment the running, wet mess of the other boys got into the room, and their eyes almost immediately fell on Elliot.

-Oh for fuck’s-

-Sorry – Elliot quickly mouthed, grabbing a jumper from the closet and covering himself.

-What were you two doing? – Adam inquired. Leo glanced at Richard.

-Can’t tell – he answered – But it didn’t involve any oak branches.

Elliot scoffed loudly, and Gregory started laughing.

\---

He got out of the church with a loud sigh. It was much, much later than it should have been, but it didn’t seem to bother Philip. That day he talked a lot about how much talent he had and how valuable a citizen he was to even begin to think to be gay. Because that made him less of a valuable citizen, and you see, it would be such a waste. Which was an original approach, he had to admit it, but it didn’t suck any less and also didn’t work. It stopped raining, he noticed, because it was still raining when he got in the church, but now there was the shyest of suns peering through the clouds, and Alex, Angela and Chantel were already outside talking around a tree.

-We really had a deep breakthrough today – Philip commented from behind him.

-Yes we did – Elliot answered politely – But I believe you’re quite late now.

-Your healing is more important – he sighed, before turning to greet a man coming down the road. He must have been the friar they were waiting for.

-Father Philip – he said, getting closer. He looked so friendly it was hard to believe he was there to mentor a group of queer kids into straightness.

-Brother Michael – Philip greeted him back with a small bow of his head.

-God bless you, you look happy today! – brother Michael laughed – I haven’t seen you looking anything but annoyed for ages!

That was so spot on Elliot felt a laugh bubbling up and he was sad to suffocate it. He turned to the group around the tree and saw them attentively listening to the conversation.

-Perhaps it was the eye-opening conversation I just had with this young man – Philip said, patting Elliot’s shoulder. Brother Michael looked at him.

-Good evening – he greeted, sounding as not-Scottish as he could manage, as he always did when he was nervous – I’m Elliot Nightray.

The man shook his hand with surprising strength, and smiled kindly at him.

-It’s a pleasure to meet you.

After the handshake Elliot excused himself and got inside the bedroom building. The first thing he saw was Gregory in the corridor, leaning against the men’s bathroom door.

-Hi – he said with a lazy wave of his hand.

-Hello – Elliot answered – What’s going on?

-Adam’s talking with Leo and I’m on the lookout.

Oh, so that was what was happening. Elliot quickly looked around.

-Was it about tonight? – he cautiously asked. He could have still told him, but he wanted to make sure everything still was on the regular.

-It was – Greg answered, raising an eyebrow – You know what’s going on?

-I do – he answered – But we have to be careful of Richard.

-We are, now tell me! I’m feeling left out!

-Okay, so, you know when Leo and I went down to the village? – he whispered, and he nodded – Well, we bought some… essential, let’s call them.

Gregory started catching up to it, and Elliot sighed. He didn’t like the idea, not explained like that, but he had a right to know, he was obviously invited.

-So the friar will go to sleep early and we go get plastered.

-Fuck yeah! – Gregory almost shouted, and Elliot shushed him. In that moment Leo and Adam got out of the bathroom, looking rather cheerful.

-Oh – Leo said, looking at Elliot – You got him in?

-He definitely did! – Gregory chanted – Are the girls in it too?

-They are – Leo confirmed.

-Do you have enough booze? – Adam asked and Elliot scoffed.

-We got like ten beers, a bottle of whisky and one of gin.

-You went above and beyond – Greg laughed – How about something to eat?

-There should be leftovers from the party – Leo shrugged – Besides, you don’t eat when you wanna get bladdered.

-Fair enough – Adam admitted with a nod – I get why Richard shouldn’t know.

Joanne walked in and looked at them for a second before grinning.

-Are we all up to date? – she asked, and Leo nodded – Awesome. Can’t wait. But Leo, I have to tell you, he’s not the one that was here last week.

Leo squinted and Elliot saw him agitated for one second.

-Well fuck this could be a problem – he hissed.

-I dunno, he seems as narcoleptic as the other one. Must be the convent air. He will still go to bed before midnight though, we’ll have the whole night for us.

In that moment brother Michael walked in the room, and they all turned to look at him.

-Oh, my! – he exclaimed, and Elliot saw Leo’s eyes widen.

-Brother Michael? – he whispered, freezing up. Elliot felt his immediate fight response activate before he even knew what was going on, and he tensed up.

-Leonard! – the friar answered, looking a bit less jovial than before, outside. The others looked quizzically at Leo, who looked to say the least flabbergasted – What are you doing here?

-I… - Leo hesitated, and Elliot noticed him moving closer to him as to seek comfort. He felt warmth rising from his stomach – I should ask it to you, you’re not from Middlesbrough.

-I am, I was in London for just some time – the friar explained. He didn’t look in any way threatening nor impolite, but the climate was just too tense – Now might I ask again, what are you doing here?

Leo let out a breathy laugh.

-Don’t make me say it – he whispered – I don’t need to, do I?

The man looked shocked. Sincerely shocked.

-Father Philip didn’t tell me you were here – he said, before opening his arms in a reassuring gesture – But whatever the place, I’m happy to see you!

Elliot clearly felt Leo touching his side and he instinctively closed a hand in a fist and gently moved it just in front of him as to protect him, his eyes not leaving the man for a second, as if he expected him to attack.

-Sure – said Leo with a weak smile. The man nodded and got into the first room of the building, an empty room for guests. Once he was there Elliot felt Leo jump away from him, as if he just noticed how close he had moved.

-How…? – Adam began, but Leo shook his head.

-You know what? – he said, clearing his voice – Maybe I’ll tell you tonight. I can’t cope with it unless I’m drunk.

Before anyone else could speak Leo walked out of the building. Elliot looked around for a second before deciding he needed to follow him. He got out just behind him and saw him going on the steep slope next to the church. He followed him, ignoring the others who he knew were looking at him. He reached him just under the slope, looking around a bit lost.

-Still too wet – he commented, and Leo turned around.

-You really can’t leave me alone, can you? – he asked, but he didn’t sound angry with him. He reached in his pocket but he probably found it empty, because he cursed under his breath. Elliot took out his own pack of cigarettes and held it forward.

-Thanks – Leo whispered, taking one out. Elliot imitated him and lit his fag up before handing the lighter to Leo. They stood up, smoking in silence for a good couple of minutes.

-So – Elliot said when he felt the tension had loosened – You know him?

-I know him – Leo admitted – But as I said, can’t tell while I’m sober.

-Did he do something to you?

Leo looked at him and giggled, shaking his head.

-No, he didn’t, you can calm down, my knight in a shining armour.

-Well you were the one all up on me when he talked, it’s only natural I thought…

-You know what? – Leo interrupted him, taking a drag out of the fag – I can’t cope with this either while sober.

-Can’t cope with what?

Leo looked up to him, lingering on his face.

-Can’t do it – he repeated He stepped on his fag and walked up the slope back to the patio – Can’t do it.

-Have you gone mad? – Elliot asked, following him after putting his fag out as well. Once in the patio he saw Joanne in front of the church, and Leo walking to her. He followed him enough to hear him tell her “can’t do it”. He made his way back to the bedroom, and Elliot would have too but Joanne stopped him.

-I know you’re worried – she told him – But he can’t do it.

-Did I do something?

He clearly had something going on with him, but he didn’t know what he had done. He hadn’t even touched him. Was he regretting their friendship? Joanne looked at him like an absolute moron, and for a second Elliot felt like an absolute moron.

-You didn’t – she reassured him – You just need to give him a moment.

-But is he okay?

Joanne scanned him. Elliot felt like he was being thoroughly examined.

-As much as he can be in this place. You know I told you we need to talk? We really need to talk. Tomorrow morning.

As Joanne had assumed, brother Michael wasn’t any more of a night owl than the other substitutes had been. He went quietly to sleep at around ten, after dinner and some relaxing meditation. It was actually relaxing, brother Michael made Elliot feel much better than he ever felt with Philip. Maybe it was because he never once mentioned how they were perverted and a disgrace to human decency, that might have done the trick. Actually, he acted like they were a very normal retirement camp, like he remembered from when he was a kid. Why did he accept to be there if he wasn’t there to make them feel terrible? Still, he couldn’t complain. Elliot was in the bedroom with Adam and Richard, the last of which was preparing to go to bed. Elliot and Adam were on Elliot’s bed, chatting quietly about cars. Well, letting Adam rant about his car.

-Where are the others? – Richard asked, looking around like he expected them to jump out of the walls. Elliot shrugged.

-It’s nice outside – he answered, as if it was explanation enough. And apparently it was, because Richard nodded and got under the blankets, turning his bed light off. Adam and Elliot kept pretending to have a poignant conversation for about fifteen minutes, before deciding it was enough.

-Now – Adam whispered – Do we need to take anything?

Elliot nodded and reached under Leo’s pillow, getting the bottle of gin out and showing it to an excited Adam. They tiptoed out of the room, and right out the door they let out the breath they had been holding for so long.

-Nice – Adam said, raising his hand to high five Elliot. They got out of the building and were greeted with everyone else eagerly waiting for them.

-So? – asked Chantel, impatient.

Elliot showed the bottle of gin and the others cheered as quietly as they could.

-Let’s go! – Joanne exclaimed, starting to walk towards the main room.

-It’s so nice right now – Elliot observed – Can’t we stay outside?

-The table is too small – Angela answered.

-I know, but we could sit on the grass. It’s not wet anymore, it’s been hours.

-He’s not wrong – Alex shrugged – There’s that patch of grass by the church.

After everyone agreed that it could work they went to the aforementioned patch of grass, sitting down in a circle. Without much surprise, Elliot found himself sitting next to Leo. It was the right place to be. Leo was buzzing with excitement, he could see it, and he was holding the bottle of whisky. Joanne was with the case of beers, and she started opening them with the expertise that one could expect from Joanne.

-God I need this so much – Gregory sighed, stretching his arm forward to grab one of the bottles.

-We have to share – Joanne rectified, giving one of the bottles to him – There’s six beers and ten of us.

-I’ll share – he assured her, taking the bottle and elbowing Adam, who nodded. Joanne rolled one of the bottles to Leo, who took it and looked at Elliot. Elliot shrugged. They hadn’t talked since that afternoon, since Leo had run away repeating that he couldn’t do it. Leo opened the bottle and drank a large gulp of beer, letting out a satisfied sigh.

-Oh come on – Elliot couldn’t help but say – You almost got drunk like two days ago.

-It’s the thrill of the forbidden – Leo explained, handing him the bottle.

-What? – Chantel asked – You guys drank without us?

-Not exactly – Elliot quickly answered – When we went to the village we got a couple of beers for lunch.

-Still, arseholes – insisted Chantel.

-We paid for this all – Leo observed, and Elliot scoffed.

-That’s quite the arbitrary plural.

-Oh I’m sorry – commented Leo, snatching the beer back – I’ll pay you back when daddy gives me money.

-Thank you – said Angela, raising the beer she and Cadhla were sharing.

-It was a pleasure – Elliot replied. Joanne picked Rose up and placed her on her lap, before sweetly kissing her cheek.

-Gross – Greg teased them, twitching his nose.

-They’re lesbians – Leo smirked – They’re getting married in like, two days.

-I wish I could tell you wrong – Angela laughed.

-They’re disgusting – Alex interjected – They snog. Constantly.

-We don’t – Rose yelped from atop of Joanne’s legs.

-You kinda do – Chantel replied – I get it though, you’re trying to find some happiness in this hellish place. Can’t blame you, I’d do it too.

Greg clicked his tongue.

-Disrespectful. If I wanted to jump someone I’d do it somewhere private.

-Oh yeah Greg? – Cadhla asked, teasing – And who would you that be?

He seemed to think about it for a moment.

-You, obviously – he decided to answer, causing a general giggle. The beer was chilly and it fizzed in Elliot’s throat. He was not the type to get drunk on beer, but the company and the absence of food made him bubblier than he cared to acknowledge.

-I’m open to a bunk up – she winked jokingly.

-Sorry love I’m gay – he sighed – Adam might be up though, and maybe Elliot too.

Elliot shook his head with maybe too much energy and more than one person laughed out loud.

-Nothing against you – he justified himself.

-Mate we’re at gay camp here – Chantel reassured him – Nothing shameful about it.

-It’s not that I’m… you know.

There was a sudden shift of mood and way too many eyes pointed on him. Leo sighed next to him, and Elliot knew exactly what was going on.

-You can say it, you know – Rose offered encouragingly. He bit his lip and shook his head.

-It’s nobody’s business but his – Leo suddenly said.

-Sure, sorry – Rose answered.

-I didn’t mean to out you or anything – Gregory added – God I always say the wrong thing with you.

-It’s fine – Elliot reassured them – You did nothing wrong. We’re at gay camp, it’s only a fair assumption.

-Gay camp – Adam muttered – I hate this so much.

-Sure you do, it’s fucking awful – Joanne agreed.

-We just have to be glad we’re all in this together – Angela commented.

-Almost – Adam said, turning in the direction of the bedrooms.

-It’s nobody’s fault – Greg comforted him with a pat on his shoulder.

-I just wish he’d stop hating on himself so much – Chantel muttered – He’s a nice guy.

-The problem, Chantel – Angela replied with a slight rasp to her voice – Is that he gives shit to us, not to himself. I don’t like the way he thinks about me.

-You say that, but I can’t even begin to think what it must be like to live with such a weigh on the stomach… - Adam whispered.

-There will always be people who don’t accept it – Leo sighed – You just have to hope they realize. And try not to fall for them.

That sounded… weirdly specific. Elliot shifted uncomfortably in place, but most of the others didn’t seem to notice anything off and kept chatting. Much too soon the beers were starting to run low, and the rhythm slowed down. Elliot took out his pack of cigarettes and put one between his lips.

-Is it okay if I smoke? – he asked before lighting the fag up. Nobody protested and he proceeded, quickly followed by Leo. He put out his arm with the open pack, silently offering what he had left. It wasn’t much, really, he was smoking more than he liked to admit, but nobody came forward asking for anything, so he put the pack back in his pocket.

-You’re all too good – Leo commented blowing out smoke – I bet you’re all vegetarians.

-I am – Joanne said, raising her hand, and Angela and Chantel agreed, even if looking quite embarrassed. Leo giggled.

-You are a harmful stereotype to the community.

-Maybe we’re just addicted – Elliot sighed, dragging the smoke deep in his lungs. It felt so good, it was gonna be incredibly hard to put the lighter down after that experience – We spent most of Friday smoking and arguing about what kind of booze to get.

-That was wicked though – Leo said. Elliot didn’t think much of it in the moment, but something itched in his mind.

-It really was…

-Don’t bore us with your married life – huffed Cadhla. Elliot decided to keep quiet and assist to the conversation unfolding. He and Leo were the first to finish the beer, and he smoked two full fags before they all finished their own beers. He really was smoking too much, he should stop. Bad influence.

-Wanna play some games? – Joanne suddenly proposed, clapping her hands. The reaction was lukewarm, but Leo interjected.

-Totally, yes, but we need to get further away from the bedrooms – he said.

-Behind the church – Rose quickly answered – Big spot of grass, nobody ever looks there.

-And you know that because? – Greg nudged at her, who blushed lightly. Still, the idea was appreciated and they walked in as much silence as possible to the new spot. They sat in a circle, same exact places as before, but now they had the beautiful landscape of the hills surrounding them. It looked almost magical under the moon, the sky was clean and starry for all the rain that had fallen during the day.

-It’s stunning, innit? – Leo whispered, so faint that only he could hear him. He nodded. They had placed themselves in the best spot for admiring the landscape.

-Now – Joanne said – We have whisky, courtesy of Elliot’s wishes I believe, and gin, courtesy of Leo’s.

-Whisky, classy – Alex commented, winking at Elliot. He got him, he truly got him. If there was anyone besides Leo he wanted to keep in contact with it would absolutely be Alex.

-Can’t we just drink though? – Angela asked faintly.

-Ditto – Adam agreed – I don’t like drinking games.

-Told you – Elliot commented to Leo, who huffed annoyed.

-Come on, it’s gonna be fun! – he insisted – You decide what to play.

-Won’t we get drunk? – Rose asked.

-That’s kinda the point, yeah – Joanne answered, nuzzling her hair – I swear it’s gonna be fun. It was very fun last time.

-Yeah, you killjoys – Greg said – I wanna play.

Leo smirked, and after Chantel and Alex also agreed that it could be fun, the games were made. Of course, it was now Angela and Adam’s responsibility to decide what to play.

-I like truth or dare – Adam offered. No, truth or dare was boring, the crowd decided.

-I like “never have I ever” – Angela said, and that received a much warmer response.

-Good, good – Leo clapped his hands – Jo, the glasses?

-You got it – she said, taking the bag she had with her and taking out ten water glasses, passing one to everyone. They were really doing this, weren’t they? He didn’t wanna get drunk, but maybe some distraction... Everyone filled their glass with the booze of their preference, and soon after there was an uncomfortable silence.

-You should start, Angie – Rose said, and she sighed.

-Okay… - she began, uncertain – I don’t know what the mood is though. Like how fine are we with allusions?

-You wanna start strong – Alex whistled – I’d say we’re already tipsy…

-Not that tipsy though – Chantel specified.

-But if we get too tipsy we’ll forget – Leo observed, and Cadhla laughed.

-I sure hope we do!

Some voices added their opinion to the bunch, and the conversation became rather confusing.

-Okay, okay, I’ll start out easy – Angela interrupted – Never have I ever smoked.

-Well okay you wanna throw us out – Leo muttered as he and Elliot downed their first shot, together with Adam and Alex.

-That’s softcore – Joanne muttered, hugging Rose from behind – Your turn babe.

-Ugh – Chantel grimaced, hiding a half smile.

-So, uhm… - Rose began thinking intensely – Never have I ever… worn a tie, I guess?

-Tired – Greg commented, as all of the boys and Chantel drank their share.

-Yeah let’s spice it up – Cadhla agreed.

-Good – Joanne said – Never have I ever given a blowjob.

-Nice one – Leo said, raising his glass before downing it. That made Elliot the slightest bit embarrassed. The idea that Leo had done certain things to other people… Wait, no he meant people. Just people. He noticed both Gregory and Adam drank as well, together with Cadhla. He received some side glances, but he ignored them by lighting up another fag.

-Druggie.

-Shut it.

-My turn – Gregory said, ignoring the brief exchange – So, never have I ever given cunnilingus.

-Is this a challenge? – Joanne smiled, downing her shot along with every other girl and Adam. That was a good one.

-You attacked us, I attacked you – Greg shrugged – Fair exchange.

-Except for the bisexuals – Cadhla said, looking at her glass, now only halfway full, and then to Adam, who had a finger on his temple.

-Yeah – he agreed, before taking a deep breath. Elliot imagined at least him had to be edging on the drunk, he had drunk for every one of the calls – So, uhm… never have I ever… masturbated to porn.

People looked confused at each other and they all, without exception, drank their glass.

-Are you sure? – Angela asked him, uncertain.

-How can you, that’s gross – he answered with a grimace – It’s not heartfelt, it’s violent.

-I mean straight porn kinda sucks – Chantel admitted – But some cam girls are sexy as hell.

-I thought of being a cam boy for a while – Leo muttered, staring at what was left of his gin. Elliot couldn’t hold back a shriek.

-What the hell?!

-Relax, I didn’t – he huffed – It would just have been a gig, though. Some good money.

-No that’s weird and undig- and disgusting – Elliot replied. How could he ever have thought something like that, selling his body for other people to see. No, people. Shit. He dragged his fag so hard he finished it in one blow.

-Excuse you, straightie, you jerked off to porn too. So, my turn – he continued, ignoring Elliot’s open mouth, and he smirked – Never have I ever “gone all the way”.

-I knew it – Joanne muttered, drinking, while the others didn’t even raise their glass, looking at Leo.

-You mean, with girls – Chantel asked, confused. Leo shook his head.

-I mean, never have I ever had penetration sex – he specified – As in, never have I ever put mine nor had other people’s appendages in the downstairs. Or, I never had a dick-

-We get it – Gregory interrupted him, drinking. Everyone else drank too, except for a very embarrassed Alex, who received a comforting pat on the back.

-Don’t pity me – he smiled, very red – I just… haven’t met the right person. It’s not like I can’t do it.

That wording made Elliot remember. He glanced at Leo, who was having a small laughing fit next to him. He owed him one or two explanations, but maybe that wasn’t the right moment.

-I’m so… sorry – Cadhla said, words merging together. If he counted right, she and Adam were tied for last place. Yeah maybe they were being a bit biased against bisexuals – That you’re here. And you have to sleep in our room.

-It’s not your fault Kay – he reassured her – You should maybe tap out.

-No, no tapping out! – Leo said, pointing his finger with too much energy at her. He almost toppled forward, but Elliot kept him up.

-Mad wi’it – he muttered. No use in pretending not to be Scottish when he had something to drink.

-Whatever you say – Leo laughed – You sound so cute when you don’t fake an accent.

Elliot blushed, but he couldn’t help a smile tugging at his lips. Leo had no idea just how adorable he looked in that moment, did he? Flushed, smiling.

-Okay – he said, trying to shake that weird feeling off – Never have I ever… taken a nude.

-Fuck – Cadhla muttered, downing the very last of her glass – I’m already out!

-I’m next – Adam said, but he didn’t drink that turn. Somebody, Elliot wasn’t sure who, drank, but he saw that Leo drank as well. Oh, bloody… he had taken a nude. He couldn’t help but think about it. Leo had taken a picture of himself for somebody else.

-For whom? – Angela asked the somebody.

-My boyfriend – Gregory answered – Obviously. I imagine Leo too.

Leo laughed, and he leaned on Elliot’s shoulder. His heart started beating faster. He was just drunk, he wasn’t thinking, he just looked for somewhere to rest and Elliot’s shoulder happened to be that something.

-Never had one of those – he said, slurred – I took them to see how I look.

-You look good – he blurted before thinking. He was not drunk, not yet, but he was to say the least tipsy, and he got drunk so rarely he didn’t know what he might have said. Leo giggled with less intensity and snuggled closer to him.

-Thank you…

-Uh – Angela said, confused – Are you…?

Gregory and Adam violently shook their heads, and Angela interrupted her sentence with a fake cough. Leo was so warm next to him. He wanted to hug him, but he decided to move his hair from his eyes.

-Okay… - Alex hesitated – Never have I ever had a boyfriend.

Adam and Gregory sighed and bumped their glasses together before downing the last bits of booze, and Rose drank as well. Cadhla did too, but she was quietly sipping, enjoying her drinking freedom.

-You’re our last hope – Adam said looking at Elliot – Leo’s basically out.

-Not yet though – Leo specified, showing the small amount of gin left in his glass.

-Ma heid’s mince – Elliot muttered, touching his forehead. He should have tapped out, he knew it, but he didn’t want to seem… weak? Leo giggled again and moved slightly away from him to look him in the eyes.

-So cute – he whispered again – How have you never had a boyfriend? Have you even ever kissed a man?

-Huvnae, ya know – he answered. And he knew, they knew, that that was, as they call it, a lie.

-But you’re tall and rich and smart and so hot.

-Guys? – Chantel called them, and they turned to her – I said, never have I ever done drugs.

Leo sighed and drank the last bit of his gin, before putting the glass down.

-Really? – he asked, and Leo chuckled.

-I’m a Londoner, love. A “rudeboi”, if you will.

-Wait did you say I’m hot? – he asked, just realizing that previous sentence. Leo seemed to get even more flushed than before.

-That’s objective – he answered – They all agree.

Elliot looked around. Gregory shrugged, and both Chantel and Cadhla nodded. The thread of the conversation was lost on him at that point, but Leo thought he was hot. That was all it mattered. It made him feel fuzzy inside.

-Since we’re here, did I hear right before? – Angela asked – You never even kissed a man, Elliot?

He shook his head.

-Why are you here? – Rose asked.

There was general consensus to the question, and Elliot sighed.

-Ma sister caught me wanking to gay porn – he muttered, and Leo laughed – And they got scared.

-Congrats – he said – How did you get caught?

-Ma room it’s basically a public space – he answered, and Leo laid down on his thighs. Elliot sighed and began playing with his hair. That was delightful, if only he had been sober he could have enjoyed it fully. But that wasn’t bad either.

-It’s my turn again – Angela whispered, looking away from them. Elliot rolled a strand of black, silky hair around his index finger and let it fall back. He slowly ran his finger through the locks, taking his time relishing in how good it felt – Never have I ever confessed to a crush.

Joanne cursed and downed the very last of her whisky. Everyone but Elliot drank.

-Never have I ever played with a boy’s hair in front of my friends.

Elliot quickly got his hands away from Leo’s hair. It was a slight at him, and he didn’t wanna drink. But Leo whined and grabbed his hand. Fuck it, that was worth it. He wasn’t out yet anyway,

-That’s unfair – he muttered, drinking. Besides, now it was his turn – In that case, never have I ever had a crush on a girl.

-What?! No that’s a lie! – Chantel yelled – You said you had girlfriends!

-I had to, or else they would have thought I was gay – Elliot retorted with a shrug. Leo laughed a bit too much for the context.

-Imagine that… - he commented, soft. Elliot didn’t even take offense to that, still tousling his hair. Reluctantly to say the least everybody still in the circle drank, leaving only Elliot and Rose in the game. He was out, because it was Rose’s turn, but at still he had some fun.

-Now I wish we were playing truth or dare – Cadhla giggled.

-Let’s wrap this game up before somebody fucks… - Adam whispered. Joanne was well into necking Rose, who couldn’t hold back all of the moans escaping her lips. Elliot had the suspicion that he was referring to them too, as Leo put out a content sigh when he scratched the back of his head.

-Never have I ever… - Rose began, one of Joanne’s hand under her shirt – Uh… Had sex in public places…

-Me neither – Elliot shrugged – Are you falling asleep Leo?

Leo moaned and shifted slightly, to place himself more comfortably on Elliot’s lap.

-Could be…

-No, we have to talk, remember? – he said, stopping his petting. Leo opened one eye and sighed.

-Right. Lose this thing already.

-I don’t lose – he said, and turned back to Rose as he stroked his hair again. Cadhla, Gregory and Adam were drinking, uncaring of the game, talking to each other. Nobody really cared about the game anymore, but at that point – Never have I ever gotten drunk on beer.

-Me neither – Rose breathed heavily, turning to kiss Joanne, who whispered something to her – I can’t tap out Jo… Never… God, Jo, stop…

-I think you should retroactively drink for the public sex thing – Adam observed, drinking a shot of gin. Rose nodded and quickly downed the last of her whisky. At which point Joanne picked her up, making her yelp, and excused herself as she walked back to the bedrooms. Someone whistled behind them and Joanne kindly flipped them off.

-I won – Elliot giggled, and Leo got up from his legs, leaving him feeling somehow colder.

-Good for you, you’re lame.

-I have to ask – Cadhla sighed, nodding her glass of whisky in their direction – Are you together?

-Why do you think that? – Elliot asked, a bit confused but not enough to not understand the question. He was too off to concentrate, but he shot the last of his whisky and sighed. He was the tiniest bit drunk, he had to admit it.

-Are you serious? – Alex asked, raising an eyebrow. For how small he was, he was probably the least affected by the booze.

-We’re just friends – Leo said, leaning forward to grab the bottle of gin.

-I really think you shouldn’t… - Elliot said, but Leo shushed him and downed his shot of gin.

-If you wanna talk, I have to be drunk. Anyway, friends.

-Yeah – Elliot agreed with an unmistakable strain of longing in his voice, Wait, what? Why did he… No, he was too dazed to focus.

-You know what I think? Greg and Adam – Leo stated, glancing at them. Gregory blushed, and Adam awkwardly looked at the ground. Elliot felt Leo elbowing him.

-Could be – Chantel nodded, and Gregory opened his mouth to reply, but ultimately decided not to. Leo grinned.

-Can I ask a thing? – Angela murmured, just barely loud enough to be heard. She sounded weirdly serious, not matching the tone of the situation at all.

-Are you okay? – Alex asked, suddenly worried – Do you need water? Some food?

-Do you think we’re normal?

A thick cover of silence fell on the group.

-Sure we are – Chantel answered, cautious – We’re in the 21st century. This is ridiculous, not us.

-Yeah but – she said – It doesn’t make sense, does it? We can’t have children, and that should be natural. Not… liking your own sex. That’s just…

She interrupted herself with a sob, quickly covered by her own hand.

-No – Alex pleaded, moving next to her – Don’t cry, please. We’re normal, you’re normal.

-We’re not though – she retorted, stopping her tears from streaming down her face.

-Who gives a fuck about normal? – Gregory snapped – Just be happy. As long as you don’t bother other people.

-My family won’t talk to me – Adam whispered – They say I’m sick.

-I know – Elliot mumbled, without adding anything else. What was there to add, really, it wasn’t a surprise his family was strict and old-fashioned enough to ostracize him.

-And here? – Angela spoke again, strong with the others’ distress – Here we’re not even humans!

-But this is the highest of exceptions – Chantel replied.

-Besides, here it’s ghastly – Cadhla intervened – But I like you guys. It’s nice being myself.

-Don’t… - Leo murmured, so weary and faint that Elliot wasn’t sure if he heard him of if it imagined it.

-But this is gonna end – Angela retorted – And we’ll go back home.

-Stop – Leo spoke again, louder. He shook his head and got up on wobbly legs. Elliot shot up as well to prevent his otherwise inevitable topple – Stop, bloody hell, stop.

-What…? – Angela whispered.

-Fucking… Bloody hell – Leo cursed loudly, holding his head with a hand – Shouldn’t have done that. Shit.

-Are you okay? – Greg asked, Elliot too worried on keeping himself and Leo standing up to talk. Leo was leaning on him, back to his chest as Elliot kept him up by the arms. He groaned something unintelligible, then took a deep breath.

-Been better. Angela, stop. Elliot let’s go to the river.

Elliot raised an eyebrow.

-Right now? – he asked, glancing at the others. Leo nodded, and Elliot sighed, defeated – Fine. You hide the bottles please.

Leo preceded him down the hill, and Elliot was about to follow him, when he heard his name called from behind him. They were all looking at him. Somehow he knew exactly what they weren’t saying.

-I know it can be hard… – Adam began, but Elliot interrupted him.

-I don’t like him – he whispered. He didn’t have full control over his thoughts, running one after the other in his head, spinning – I can’t.

He didn’t hear if they said anything else, he didn’t want to hear it. His head was pounding, and it wasn’t just for the booze, he knew it. He looked down the hill and saw Leo, looking up waiting for him in the white light of the moon, ethereal. Had Elliot been completely wasted he could have mistaken him for a fae, so minute and pale. But alas, he wasn’t completely wasted, and he was sane enough to reach him, and they walked to the river in silence. When they reached that slope Elliot could see the stream flowing loudly. It was much bigger than last time, full of the water that rained down during the day, the moon reflected on the water.

-It’s even more beautiful – Leo sighed, and grabbed Elliot’s arm. The grass was wet and slippery, he had to grab his arm, to have something to grip not to fall. They walked down to the river, standing over the edge of the water. Leo crouched down and took off his glasses, then he threw water on his face. Elliot sat down next to him and wet his hands before touching his cheeks.

-It’s a beautiful night – Elliot agreed. Leo sat back and got a fag out of his pocket, lighting it up.

-I think I’m drunk – Leo said, staring at it as if that gave him the revelation.

-How did you get that? – Elliot joked, stretching back. The change of air had helped clearing his mind a little, but the sheer presence of Leo next to him was enough to make his heart flutter.

-Good – Leo nodded – Maybe I’ll come to terms with it.

-With what?

Leo turned to him and looked him in the eyes. He was still flushed, face wet, hair messed up, obviously, and eyes uncovered. Elliot’s stomach knotted tight, and a lump formed in his throat, forcing him to give a little cough to mask the situation. Leo clicked his tongue.

-Still can’t do it.

He turned back to the river.

-So, brother Michael, right? – he began. Elliot was confused for a moment before connecting the dots. Right, he wanted to know that – He’s been basically my dad for the first… ten years of my life.

Elliot widened his eyes. He wanted to smoke, just to have something to do to distract himself. Mainly so from Leo’s figure, barely hunched over himself, a knee against his chest and the other leg laid down straight almost touching the water. But he couldn’t keep smoking like that, he didn’t need another reason for his parents to dislike him and he didn’t need an addiction in his life.

-Can you… elaborate?

-Only you could use… that word with so much booze in your veins – Leo smiled, tapping the fag to make the ash fall on the grass – So, I was in a catholic orphanage until I was ten, and he was there. He was… really nice. I liked him. But he inculcated the catholic fear into me.

He sighed, and Elliot didn’t speak, waiting for him to finish. So much for mocking him about the big words, that hypocrite just blurted out the most useless verb Elliot could recall.

-So when I started contemplating the fact I was gay… I felt so guilty. Because I knew he wouldn’t have been proud of me. And I really…

He made a choked noise and bit his lip, substituting the words in his mouth with the fag. Elliot wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but he was scared, terrified. The fog raised by the booze was slowly but surely lifting up, thanks to the water and the fresh air, and something similar to a rock had suddenly fallen in his stomach.

-You don’t have to tell me – he reassured him, taking a fag out. No use in trying to stop.

-I know – he muttered – Do I deserve some of your story?

-It’s not that interesting – Elliot answered in a demure tone. Leo didn’t say anything, and Elliot took is as an explicit request – So, ma father is rich. Ma mother is… let’s say peculiar. I’m the youngest of seven.

-I bet your home’s not private – Leo chuckled, and Elliot huffed.

-Yeah… We’re actually five biological siblings and two adopted. I had my first girlfriend at fourteen, and from then I think I’ve never been single until now.

-Fascinating – Leo joked. Elliot shrugged.

-Told you.

They sat down in silence, only some cicadas from the woods keeping them company, and some sort of buzzing. Not even a smell apart from the one of water and grass, and he couldn’t hear a sound from up there. They were there, separated from the world, together.

-Do you remember when I kissed you?

Elliot froze. The perfect moment shattered as glass falling on concrete. What the hell was he supposed to answer to that? The image took over his mind for the umpteenth time, and he was on the verge of just getting up and walking away. He said it with such a calm, collected tone, if he was in any way expressing emotions Elliot hadn’t noticed it. What should he have said? Of course he remembered it, regularly, much too often for comfort. He thought about it and he felt weird, he felt something, and the more time passed the more it hurt, the more he wanted to go back and either don’t do it, or don’t run away.

-Do you want me to remember it?

Leo sighed, half lidded eyes lost in the water of the stream.

-No – he whispered. Elliot felt a sting in the chest, as if a small knife had cut a wound open on his ribs. Not quite on his heart. He refused to believe it concerned the heart.

He laid down on the grass, he was buzzing, and yet he didn’t have enough energy to get up. Every appendage of his body was tingling, his heart was pounding so hard in his ribcage he was afraid it might break. He closed his eyes to collect his thoughts. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t remember it. That’s what he said, and so that was what he wanted. Even if in the deepest, most naïve part of his mind he wanted to give them a chance, Leo didn’t. His head hurt, it throbbed, and he knew it wasn’t for the booze. He felt his eyes prickle behind the closed eyelids, and he had to physically tighten his fists to stop a tear from falling. He was still vaguely aware of the fact that Leo was sitting next to him, and he couldn’t show anything that was happening in his mind on the outside. Maybe Leo was talking, he didn’t know, he had no way of knowing, he was drowning in himself, deeper and deeper. His thoughts were chasing one another, and the ever-present memory of Leo’s kiss, of their kiss, was now nothing but stingy pain. In the ruins of his pride, the rumble of everything he believed, he remembered the warmth of Leo’s lips ghosting on his own, so vivid it almost felt real. And it hurt, it cut so deep he was breathless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thank you for reading! We are halfway through now, and I just really want to thank everyone who has been reading and commenting, just seeing a hit more always makes me so happy. I hope you're still on board, I know it's a very niche fic for a very dead fandom on a half dead ship (lol I'll see myself out), but just knowing that someone is reading this regularly is wonderful. Anyway, halfway through, second Sunday, Elliot MIGHT NOT BE STRAIGHT, who would have thought. Not him. Again, thank you so very much, you have no idea how happy you make me even just by reading this. Hope to see you next time!


	9. Monday 2

He was woken up by the sun. He felt the light pushing against his closed eyes, and before he even opened them he was acutely aware of the pounding in his head, the noise of the water right by, the humid grass tickling his back and some sort of warmth coming from a zone of numbness on his left. He slowly, painfully opened his eyes. He was laying down on the grass where he let himself fall that night, above him the sky was still dark, but it got lighter on his left. He moved his eyes in that direction and he saw the very first seconds of the sunrise. He brought his eyes back down on his left. Leo was asleep, close to him, head resting on his now completely numb left arm. He was the very picture of peacefulness. His chest was raising and falling slowly, his pink lips were ever so slightly parted, and let out small puffs of breath with every fall of the chest. His hair was messier than ever, covering a good part of his face. Elliot’s heart fluttered in his chest, but vague, castrating memories of the night before suffocated the feeling. He didn’t remember everything, and what he remembered wasn’t good, but he didn’t have time to collect his thoughts. It was sunrise. He caressed Leo’s shoulder, softly, without trying to move the arm he was resting on. He wanted to wake him up, hell, he needed to wake him up, but it was almost a shame. Leo didn’t seem to notice at all, and Elliot changed the stroking pattern to a gentle pat.

-Leo – he whispered. Leo whined and furrowed his brows, shifting closer to Elliot. A rush of warmth rose up from Elliot’s chest. He shook him lightly by the shoulder and called him again, and Leo slowly opened his eyes. After no more than two seconds of adapting to the morning world, Leo widened his eyes and jumped up, looking absolutely terrified.

-Oh God did we fall asleep? – he asked, voice slightly broken by the sleep. Elliot got up as well, trying to stretch his numb left arm.

-Look – he said, pointing to the left. Leo turned around. The sun was rising, the sky turned from night blue to a pale shade of pinkish white, shining on the barely awaken countryside, accompanied by faraway chirps. It was unrealistically perfect.

-It’s dawn – Leo whispered with a shiver. Elliot got next to him, sides touching. He didn’t dare to openly touch Leo, not after what he remembered from the night before, but he was determined to not make him shiver anymore.

-I thought you might want to see it – he explained. They were silent for two minutes, the sun now a third of the way out from behind the mountain. Elliot heard what sounded like a hiccup from his side. He turned to look at Leo and saw him with his face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking. Leo was crying. What did he have to do now?! Should he comfort him? He tentatively touched his shoulder, uncertain. Leo lifted his face from his hands and didn’t look at him.

-Don’t mind me – he said, voice wet with tears.

-How could I not mind you?! – he retorted, confused – Are you ok? Did I do something?

He knew it. He quickly parted from Leo’s side. He didn’t want to have anything to do with him, for sure. He said no, he said they had nothing. They couldn’t have anything. Leo shook his head slowly, but he barely noticed it. His mind was racing, and his heart with it, as the memories from the night before got clearer and clearer, and now that the drunken fog was lifted and the hangover headache still hadn’t settled in everything made a raw, naked sense. And there was no way around to it.

He liked Leo. That wasn’t even accurate, was it? He had a crush on Leo. The romantic type. The type that made him wan to kiss him and hug him and stroke his hair and hold his hand. He was short of breath, and the sunrise had nothing to do with it. He stood up quickly, too quickly, he decided when his head roared against him. Leo looked at him, confused, and he cleaned his eyes.

-What are you doing? – he asked, looking for his glasses on the grass.

-We have to go back – he said. They did, but that was not why he had gotten up. Leo was now wearing his glasses, and his breath was more regular than before. He nodded and got up by himself, and Elliot didn’t even wait for him to get steady on his legs before walking uphill. The sun was beating on Elliot’s back, but it was still chilly. He liked him. He liked Leo. How did he deny it before? He liked him, he never liked anyone that way before in his whole life.

-Do you always get so upset when people cry? – Leo asked in an uncertain mocking tone. He didn’t answer, he didn’t know what to say – Elliot.

He let his name fall into silence. He didn’t mean to hurt him. No, maybe he did. No, he didn’t. Leo hurt him. It hurt, just being around him made his chest ache with the new notion that he liked him horridly paired with the premature rejection of that night. But he didn’t want to hurt Leo, he would have never done something like that. He wanted all the good in the world for Leo. And still, he didn’t answer.

-Elliot quit ignoring me.

-What do we have to talk about? – he asked, without turning around. He sounded provocative, he knew it, and he was aware that Leo was not gonna back up from the challenge. Instead of hitting him or shouting at him he heard Leo draw a trembling breath.

-You know I’d hit you usually, but I have to be considerate. Did we… do anything while we were drunk?

That got Elliot to stop on his tracks and turn around. Leo looked confused, worried even.

-If we did I’d rather talk about it now when we’re alone.

-We didn’t – Elliot answered, turning back and walking again. He felt a burn in his throat. Did he seriously not remember? He heard Leo sigh with relief.

-Then what the hell has taken over you? – he asked with the usual bite. For some reason that reassured Elliot, hearing Leo sound like his normal self.

-We fell asleep on the ground after getting drunk at a conversion camp. And now my left arm is all numb and for some reason you started crying and you thought I could touch you while you were drunk.

He was so salty he could imagine the grass dying under his feet. But he couldn’t help it. He never felt so uncomfortable. Did Leo not remember that he explicitly asked him to forget that kiss again? And why did he cry?

-And here I thought you woke up in a good mood – Leo muttered – And of course I didn’t think you abused me, you absolute fucking idiot.

-Good – he simply said. He didn’t investigate further. He didn’t wanna talk, he didn’t wanna interact with Leo. He wasn’t ready now, he had to collect his thoughts. Still, he couldn’t leave him completely unchecked – Do you feel better?

-Yeah – Leo whispered. He had to whisper, they had reached the back of the church, they couldn’t talk any louder.

They tiptoed into the building, and walked towards their room in silence. Those wankers had closed the door. Arseholes. Elliot instinctively preceded Leo, keeping him behind a protective arm. He lowered the handle slowly, trying his best to not make any noise. Did the others notice they hadn’t come back? He was able to actually lower the handle in almost perfect silence, and pushed the door open. He walked into the room moving his feet with more care than he ever had before, and he let Leo in as he slowly, oh so slowly closed the door. He hoped he was being quiet, he was really doing his best. Leo on the other hand was in a tough spot. He looked lost at the ladder to his bed. Once Elliot closed the door successfully he walked to their bunk bed. Leo looked at him, a question painted all over his face. He understood exactly. There was no chance he could climb that iron ladder and lay in that creaky bed without being heard. Elliot considered for a second offering to sleep in his bed together just to avoid the fuss, but he held back. He would have offered just yesterday, but now. Now he couldn’t. He pointed to the empty bunk bed behind theirs, and Leo pretended to sigh. He walked over there and Elliot slowly sat down on his bed, taking his shoes off. He decided to not look at Leo anymore. He needed time.

No, he needed sleep. And he fell asleep surprisingly quickly, the hangover a central help in that. He could think about Leo when he woke up. And that was painfully soon. Adam’s alarm started to ring and there was a general groan of disapproval.

-God no, no, no turn it off I’m dying – Gregory whined. Elliot still had his eyes closed, but he approved of the proposal. Adam must have had too, because he turned the alarm off. Nobody moved for a hot second, but then Elliot heard someone moving on the bed.

-What is going on?

It was undeniably Richard’s voice. They had to deal with Richard, the girls didn’t. That was just unfair.

-Leo why are you there?

Elliot heard somebody else move.

-And why are you dressed? Elliot?

He pretended to be dead. His head was throbbing, even if with less strength than before.

-When did you… - Adam’s voice asked, followed by the quick steps of someone running out the room. Gregory? It probably was Gregory.

-What…?

-None of your business – Adam sighed, definitive. Somebody else got out of the room, and it decidedly was Richard, because Elliot heard a relieved sigh.

-Is he gone? – Leo whimpered.

-He is – Adam answered, but Elliot still didn’t dare to open his eyes – So you did shag in the end.

That made him snap his eyes open.

-No – he corrected him before Leo could even open his mouth – We were just very tired when we came back.

-And I was too drunk to climb the ladder – Leo sighed – I’m amazed at how Greg did it.

-It was… a mission – Adam smiled, sitting up on the bed – Sleeping above Richard and all. But we managed. You guys are sure you didn’t…?

-Pretty sure at least one of us would know it – Leo answered, sitting up as well.

-Good luck convincing the others – Adam commented – You were quite the show tonight.

-How were we the show when Jo fingered Rosie in front of us all? – Leo asked, and Elliot hummed in agreement. He was pretty sure he was the only one still lying down.

-You were pretty drunk if you don’t remember being the show – Adam laughed. He had a raspy laugh. It was kinda hot, Elliot was surprised he never noticed. Maybe realizing he liked Leo made him gayer. But were they really that much of a show that night? He realized that he remembered the river part decently well, maybe because of how much it meant, but the game part… That was a blur. Not a total blur, but definitely not clear. He remembered touching Leo’s hair, and that made his stomach tie in a knot, as if it needed any more reasons to be upset.

-Guess we were – he muttered, making an effort to sit up – I remember that I won.

-That’s right – Leo nodded, seemingly remembering it as well – And the girls went to fuck.

-Don’t worry – Adam waved them off – I don’t think any of us remember it clearly, we were all pissed. Except Alex maybe.

-Still, we weren’t drunk enough to shag on the grass – Elliot repeated, holding his head. The headache wasn’t that bad after all, he didn’t get blackout drunk. That only happened with wine. Leo chuckled.

-As if I’d let you. No darling, only bed with rose’s petals for my virginity.

Elliot didn’t laugh. How did Leo fall back into their pattern that quickly? Sure, they spent the previous days playfully flirting with each other, that’s what they did, but now could they? He remembered all the slights, all the provoking looks, and he felt so embarrassed he wanted to die. He needed to get away from that place, he needed to get as far away as possible and forget it all.

-Elliot are you okay? – Adam asked, and Leo scoffed.

-He woke up in the weirdest mood – he answered for him getting out of bed. Elliot noticed the answer before Adam did, but he didn’t have anything to defend them.

-You slept together? – he asked, a raised eyebrow. Well now it was gonna be much easier to convince them they didn’t do anything.

-We fell asleep – Elliot clarified – By the river.

-We woke up at bloody dawn – Leo added, opening the wardrobe to take a clean t-shirt.

-Together – Adam repeated with a grin. He didn’t add anything and got out of the room, with the excuse of checking on Gregory, who now had been out there for a substantial amount of time. Left alone, Elliot and Leo didn’t talk for a while, both just sitting on the beds where they slept that night.

-It’s not gonna hold up – Elliot said.

-Let them believe it – Leo shrugged – Who cares.

-I do – he answered – I’m Elliot Nightray, I can’t have people go around thinking I fucked you on the ground when you were drunk.

Leo stood up.

-Well, Elliot Nightray, why did you come with me in the first place?!

-Because… - he began, but he interrupted himself – I don’t owe any explanation, Leo.

He got up and went out of the room. Fuck. His heart was racing, his head was pounding, his eyes were prickly with tears and he wanted to throw up, but he knew he didn’t have enough booze nor motivation to do that. He didn’t want to hurt him, God knows he didn’t, but he had no idea how to face him. He acted like nothing had happened, and maybe nothing did for him. Maybe he never liked him and he truly kissed him just because, and all their connection was in Elliot’s head. He got into the bathroom just as Richard was coming out, freshly showered. Gregory was washing his face, looked over by Adam. He just had to endure this. Less than a week. He could do it.

\---

The breakfast table was unusually quiet, watched over by the serene brother Michael, who looked like he slept well enough for all of them. The only people who looked decently well-rested were Richard, Joanne and Rose. Orgasms put you to sleep well, don’t they? Elliot was hungry, obviously, but he couldn’t stop thinking. The realization of what he felt for Leo was a titanic presence in his head, everything he had done those past days now shined under a new light, and yet he had already been rejected.

-Elliot – Joanne called him. He answered with a tight “mh”, and she huffed – After this, you and I are washing the dishes.

He couldn’t refuse, not that he wanted to, so he shrugged. Joanne had been wanting to talk to him for days now, and maybe it was gonna be a change of pace from spending all of his free time with Leo. He forced himself to eat a slice of toast, and he didn’t look at Leo once. After some minutes they were all done, and tension started to fill the room as they all waited for the usual speech. Brother Michael looked at all of them.

-You all look very tired – he commented, and somebody smiled – But I’ll still talk. Now, I hope our meditation cleared your minds a bit. I’m not sure how my colleagues do this, I’ve never done something like this before… I don’t wanna put you on the spot. Let me just tell you, you all seem very nice, and I’m sorry so see you all so confused. I hope you will find the light, because none of you deserve the darkness.

Ouch, that hurt. In some ways more than Philip. The attacks were direct and painful, but disappointment was unbearable.

-Why? – Leo asked. They all turned to him – Maybe we don’t need to find the light.

-Maybe – brother Michael nodded. That was unheard of. If Leo had done anything like that with Philip… Who knows what could have happened – It could be, Leonard. But you’re here, so I’m not the only one to think that. I only care that you stop being confused.

There were moments of silence as the notion of not being hated settled in them. And still, the feeling that he couldn’t disappoint such a nice man was strong. It was like with his sister. He didn’t want to disappoint her, as he didn’t want to disappoint him.

-You can go rest until Father Philip comes back.

They all got up, and Elliot saw Leo going to talk with the man, a faint smile on his lips. He looked bashful, but the man was patting his shoulder gently. He made his way out of the room, but Joanne held him by an arm and dragged him in the kitchen.

-What…?

She shushed him. They were hiding behind the curtain of the kitchen, waiting for everybody else to get out. Everyone but Rose and Angela left, and they started collecting dishes and glasses. Joanne got out of the curtain.

-Don’t worry, we’ll take care of it – she said. She looked Rose in the eyes and the girl nodded, putting down the things she had in her hands. They had what was definitely a silent conversation, and after two seconds they got out of the room, leaving Joanne and Elliot alone. Joanne turned to him and walked back in the kitchen. Elliot just looked at her, waiting for that much anticipated talk to begin. She sat on the counter and took a deep breath.

-So – she began – You know I’ve been wanting to talk to you.

-Yeah – he confirmed.

-Do you know why?

Did he? he had his suspicions, but he hoped they were false. He couldn’t bear a conversation about Leo right now.

-Leo – she said. Oh that was just perfect. He must have shown that on his face, because she looked at him resigned – You knew this was coming.

-Can we not? – he said, looking hopefully at the curtain.

-No, we have to – she quickly answered. He could have run away, but he didn’t want to make an enemy of Joanne, she was nice – Because you have to understand him.

-Why should I?

-Let me just finish. So… Leo has kind of an history with seducing people.

-I’m aware – he interrupted her. Him playing around with other people really wasn’t what he wanted to hear that morning, but Joanne ignored him.

-He usually decides on someone and just messes around with them for the two weeks of the camp.

-Great – he muttered – Am I that someone?

-That’s where I was going. I thought so immediately, since the moment you met last Sunday. You were a big shot: hot, rich and in denial. And Leo loves a challenge. I let him be, it’s none of my business after all, but I was wrong.

She took a deep breath, still not looking at him.

-I think he likes you.

That cut deep.

-He doesn’t – he answered, with so much ache in his voice he was sure Joanne had noticed, but she seemed distracted as she shook her head.

-Still, I feel like I’m late. You sealed the deal last night, and you haven’t even looked at each other the whole breakfast. What I’m saying…

-We didn’t do anything – he interrupted her. He would have to repeat that a lot… She raised an eyebrow.

-Don’t fuck with me. I know you didn’t come back until like five.

How did she know? Well, to be honest in a lot of ways. She could have been in the bathroom for all he knew, or maybe they just weren’t as quiet as they hoped.

-You’re right, but we just fell asleep by the river. We didn’t do anything.

-There’s nothing to be ashamed of…

-We didn’t have sex! – he almost yelled – We didn’t even kiss, we barely talked! And believe me, he doesn’t like me!

-You could yell for the rest of your life – she answered, calm and collected as a mountain lake – And I’d still say he likes you.

He wanted to vomit everything out to her, he wanted to tell her so bad, he needed someone to confess to. But he couldn’t.

-What do you want from me? – he simply asked, and she got down of the counter.

-I don’t care how in denial you are, you are at the very least queer, and my good friend Leo really likes you. But I also know that for this precise reason he’s gonna act all flirty and pretend to be joking around. He’ll try to run away from any emotional commitment and just deal with it alone. So what I want from you is that you don’t go breaking his heart.

-Has it crossed your mind – he hissed, too hurt to have full control over his words – That you might be wrong?

-I’ve been right so far – she answered – You two have been flirting non-stop for a week, and you’re telling me he doesn’t like you.

-He told me! – he blurted – Look, I’m not gonna get into the details, but he doesn’t. Believe me.

-He lied, Elliot!

-Well he’s an arsehole then!

-What? – she said, looking quite confused. He was breaking down, he was falling so badly.

-He comes on to me of a whole week – he said, feeling a sob caught in his throat – And then he just says he doesn’t like me? What the fuck?

Joanne was stunned, eyes wide and eyebrows raised.

-And there you come, telling me not to break his heart! – he continued, emphasizing the pronouns just in case he wasn’t clear.

-Wait, do you…?

-Shit – he muttered, marching out of the kitchen. Why was everything so hard? Did Joanne understand? Surely she did. And Leo didn’t like him, he wished he liked him, he fucking wished. No, what was he saying? He couldn’t allow himself to like Leo, what was he thinking. He could live with being gay as long as he didn’t commit to that kind of relationship, he could pretend. But that… he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t have Leo. He found himself in the bedroom, unaware if there were any other people. He had to calm down. He couldn’t get with Leo even if he liked him. Maybe it was better that way. Yeah, it was. Because then if he and Leo actually got together, even if just for once, he wouldn’t have been able to forget it. Although… just once… he would have liked to have a chance with him, just once. Just touch him and caress him, and see him smile just for him. And… kiss him, and maybe lay down together and just chat like they usually did. No, no, hell no. He couldn’t have that. He took a shaky breath. He needed to talk to Leo.

\---

He was gonna do this, no matter how risky that was. For some reason or another, Leo was once again sleeping in that room downstairs, but that time he didn’t bring anything with him, he noticed seeing his books on his bed. He had long ago left “The Catcher in the Rye”, and he was now occupying himself with “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”. He never brought himself to read it even if he heard all good things about it. He wasn’t really keen on that kind of literature, so introspective. Still, it was the perfect excuse to go and talk to Leo. He asked Joanne where the room was, and she just told him he’d find it in the church. She didn’t bring up anything about their conversation that morning, but Elliot was adamantly sure she understood. He overshared like an idiot.

Now, he was in the dark church. Philip had gone to sleep, finally, and Leo had long ago left. He had the book in his hand, and he knew what he had to do. He walked to the back of the church, where he knew was the passageway to the vestry. He found a single corridor with some closed doors, and some stairs on the bottom left. He had to go downstairs, Leo always said it was in the basement. He walked down the stairs trying to be quiet, he really didn’t have permission to go see Leo. There was a reason why it was an isolation room. He got to the bottom of the stairs and found himself in front of a single, old door. He didn’t hear any noise coming from the inside, but he was reasonably sure Leo was in there. He didn’t even bother trying to open the door and just knocked.

-What are you knocking for?

He must have thought he was Philip. The sheer thought made him grimace.

-Because I don’t know how to get in.

He suddenly heard nervous fumbling on the other side, noises like something made of iron clinking in the keyhole for a good thirty seconds. Was Leo locked in there? That wasn’t good. But he seemed competent with the lock. After a while the door was opened, and he saw Leo in front of him, hair up like he usually kept before going to sleep, in his pyjama. He looked confused.

-What are you doing here? – he whispered, looking behind him. Elliot raised the book.

-Thought I’d bring you this.

Leo crossed his arms on his chest.

-So you talk to me now?

Elliot furrowed his brows, heating up as usual.

-I can go if you don’t want to talk to me.

-No, come in – Leo sighed, letting him in the room. Elliot got in and looked around. He squinted. The room was not small, it had a closet and a single wooden desk with some papers and pens. And that was it.

-Where’s the bed? – he asked, as Leo pulled the door without closing it.

-Do you see a bed? – Leo answered – If so help me find it.

-How do you… sleep? – Elliot asked, turning to face him. Leo was leaning against the wall, and he shrugged.

-On the floor. If it’s hot I’ll take my trousers off and use them as a pillow.

-That’s dreadful – Elliot muttered. Sure he was tired in the morning, he couldn’t sleep there. On the stone floor without anything soft to rest on – Is it legal?

-I don’t know, let me go ask my mum – answered Leo, sarcasm dripping from his words. Elliot places the book on the desk – Do you wanna talk about something?

-Yeah – Elliot agreed in no more than a whisper – I’ve ignored you all day…

-Is it because of last night? – Leo interrupted him, and Elliot bit his lip – Because I didn’t mean to be that forward like, laying on you, and if I made you uncomfortable…

-Do you remember what we talked about? When we were alone.

Leo hesitated for a second, and Elliot could almost hear him deciding what to answer.

-Kinda – he decided to say. Elliot had no idea how honest he was being, and he had no way of knowing.

-What do you remember?

He wasn’t gonna be forward, he had rehearsed this conversation. It wasn’t gonna be like with Joanne, he knew what he was saying, and he couldn’t slip. He had to confront Leo, and he had to clear the air.

-I told you about brother Michael – Leo began, slowly – And you told me about your parents.

He wanted to play it safe. Well he wasn’t gonna let him.

-Is that all?

-Where is this going? – Leo suddenly asked, looking at him in the eyes. He still had his arms crossed on his chest, but it looked like it was for comfort more than for hostility.

-Yeah, exactly – he said. He needed to hear it, he needed to hear it once and for all and be done with it, and forget it, and keep their friendship as it was because he wasn’t gonna lose that. He needed Leo so much that even one day without him had been terribly dull – You have to be clear.

-You want me to be clear? – Leo snapped – Fine. Nowhere. Nothing.

Elliot sighed. There it was, sober, unmistakable. They were not going anywhere. It was like running into a tree in the middle of the highway, you saw it from far away but you couldn’t hit the brakes in time. There laid the truth, so kindly spelled out by Leo.

-Thank you – he said. And he was sincere. He needed closure, he needed those words, because no matter how much they hurt him, they were the only truth and the only thing anchoring him to real life – Let’s forget about this.

Leo nodded and walked over to the closet, sitting down on the floor, back to the wood.

-Since you’re already here – he sighed – Keep me company?

Elliot found himself sitting next to him without even realizing it.

-So – he began – Are you liking the novel?

-Oh it’s so good! – Leo exclaimed, light coming back in his eyes – You never read it?

Elliot shook his head and Leo embarked in a long, accurate analysis of every character and their passions, making it so that if Elliot ever wanted to read it he had next to nothing more to learn about it.

-Isn’t it like sort of Madame Bovary?

-Well in some ways, but it’s much more real, somehow. Also she’s not as shallow as Emma is.

-I thought it was about a love affair.

-Congrats, you read the title. Yeah, it’s a love affair, and it’s so very passionate, and it’s even better because in the beginning she has this cold attitude towards everything, especially sex…

-Like in Lolita?

-Not really, but… Wait you read Lolita? – he said, grinning like an idiot – You’re a freak…

-What?! You read it too! – Elliot protested, backing up a little – I’m not a freak, it’s literature.

-Oh now I’m creeped out – Leo muttered, pretending to shiver and getting away from Elliot.

-Go to hell – Elliot huffed.

-After you, freak.

Elliot started to get up but Leo grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back down.

-No don’t leave – he said, as Elliot fell on his back on the floor – I’m so lonely down here…

-I imagine – Elliot answered – It’s appalling down here.

-Alie – Leo whispered – Better me than other people, though. I’m used to it. But I still don’t like it.

Elliot nodded and glanced at his watch.

-It’s almost one though – he said – I should go…

-You really should, shouldn’t you? – Leo sighed. They got up together and Leo stretched. In the stretch the jumper hiked up, uncovering no more than two centimetres of skin. That was enough to be noticed by Elliot. He walked over to the door, but stopped to look back before going out. Leo was looking at him.

-Thanks for the book – he said with a faint smile – And the company.

-You’re welcome – he answered, waving him goodbye as he got out of the room. At least Leo didn’t hate him. And now he had the confirmation he wanted. They were on the same page, and that page was not going anywhere. He was fine with it. He had to be fine with it, it was perfect, not like he had any chance ever to be happy with him, and he couldn’t have handled an affair at a conversion camp. Besides, Leo didn’t even like him, or else he would have said something. But what Joanne said was slowly slithering into his head, that maybe Leo liked him and he was just too shy to admit it. But why? He got back in his room and put himself to bed, being careful not to wake the others up. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that he and Leo weren’t going anywhere. And if he wasn’t getting out of his head, which he really hoped he would, at least they were still friends. Better than nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update time! What a fragmented and messy chapter this is, I'm realizing now, when I can't change it. Well, new week, new issues. Hope to not lose you on the way, although I'd understand if it happened! Thank you so very much for reading!


	10. Tuesday 2

It was a nice day. The sun was shy but present, and it was a pleasurable change from the dribble of Monday and the full-on storm they had had on Sunday. Elliot was sitting at the iron table with Leo and Cadhla.

-Really a good read, I tell you.

-I bet. What’s next?

-I think… The Alchemist.

-You’ll read it in two hours.

-Do you do anything else fun? – Cadhla suddenly interrupted them – I love reading as much as the next person, but do you have any other pastimes?

Elliot thought about it for a second, and Leo seemed equally thoughtful.

-We both play the piano – Leo concluded, looking at Elliot as if to ask confirmation. Elliot nodded.

-Oh, and I can fence – he added – Though I can’t really do that here.

-I mean… - Leo chuckled, and Cadhla giggled right after him. Elliot scoffed.

-You are perverts – Elliot shook his head. He wanted to smoke a fag, but they were too close to the church and he lost track of time. He squinted towards the church door.

-Ten minutes tops – Leo said. Elliot understood instantly and took the pack out of his pocket.

-Thanks.

-No worries love – Leo shrugged, putting out a hand. Elliot passed him a well-deserved fag.

-I wish I had a friendship like yours – Cadhla sighed. For some reason they went straight back to their old pattern, and it was so refreshing. Nothing had changed, he was just being paranoid. Well, almost, he realized as he looked Leo cheerfully chatting with Cadhla, a smile drawn on his lips, hair oddly kept up in a messy resemblance of a ponytail. The way he looked at him changed, the way he lingered on his eyes and on his mouth always a bit too long. He could tell himself nothing was gonna happen for as long as he wanted, but that wouldn’t change the fact that he was crushing hard on him.

-Right? – he asked, looking at him. Elliot blinked twice, shaking his head weakly.

-Yeah – he answered. He had no idea what he just answered to, but he didn’t wanna explain why he wasn’t paying attention in the first place.

-Still, you’ve known each other for like, barely more than a week – she said – And you bicker but I never heard you argue.

-We’ve known each other for too little to really argue – he answered, glad to jump back in the conversation, to be distracted from Leo – But we kinda did. Like, a couple of times.

-Resolved quickly though – Leo added, tapping the ash on the ground. The conversation stirred quickly towards Cadhla’s best friend and how much they used to argue back home in Kilkenny. Elliot wasn’t really sure why she was there when she was so clearly Irish.

-Is it me or it’s really sultry today? – Leo asked, squinting towards the sky.

-It’s humid, with how much’s been raining. Is that why you have your hair up?

-That’s right – Cadhla said – You never do that.

Leo ignored her completely, turning to Elliot with an uncertain grin.

-You noticed?

-It’s nice to see your eyes for a change – he shrugged without thinking much about it. Leo blushed. Oh, hell, he should have thought better about that, because Leo blushing with his eyes clearly visible was a bit too much too handle.

-You have such pretty eyes – Cadhla agreed. She didn’t seem to mind being ignored before.

-I don’t – Leo replied bashful, turning away from Elliot.

-Are you serious?! – she insisted – They’re like what, purple?

-They’re terribly dark – Leo shook his head – You can barely notice they’re not black.

-That’s not true – Cadhla said – They’re dark blue, clearly.

-Indigo – Elliot muttered. The others turned back to him, Leo still with the faint shadow of a blush on his cheeks.

-What? – the girl asked.

-Indigo – Elliot repeated – The colour of Leo’s eyes. It’s indigo.

-Yes! – she enthusiastically agreed. Leo lingered on him for a second before breaking their gaze and turning back to Cadhla, who was now for some reason talking about Liz Taylor. Maybe something had changed, or maybe it was just his sudden awareness of anything that Leo did. He had a wistful note to his smile. The cigarette was finished, and he got up to throw it away on the bin close to the door, and he saw Leo throwing what was left of hi on the ground. He twitched his nose.

-That’s terrible – he said, clicking his tongue.

-I saw you do it at least once – Leo scoffed.

-When there was no other way!

-Hypocrite – he slowly stated, shaking his t-shirt and breathing heavily.

-You don’t seem like the type to suffer the heat – Cadhla observed.

-I hate the sultriness – he specified – When there’s no breeze, it’s suffocating.

-You come from a metropolis – Elliot observed – I should say that.

-Exactly! – Leo whined – If I want a change of air and I’m on a hill in the countryside in Yorkshire I have a right to complain about the sultriness.

-Why, are you not from Edinburgh? – Cadhla asked him, ignoring Leo.

-I live in a villa – he explained – Outside of the city, halfway to the mountain. We have a house down, but we can’t all fit in there.

-It must be so beautiful… - she sighed, eyes dreamy. It was incredible how much people dreamt about money without even hearing a description.

-I bet you can see it on Google Earth – Leo commented – If only we had the connection…

-I’ll look it up when I’m home – Cadhla giggled – I’ll think of you looking at your mansion in the green mountain side.

-Home… - Leo whispered – Think about me back home, not about the rich boy.

Elliot looked at him. Oh no, he wasn’t…

-Are you staying here? – he asked, noticeably worried. Leo smiled sadly, crossing his legs.

-It’s not like I’d much rather be there – he answered. He seemed like he had something more to say, but before he could keep talking Philip called Elliot’s name. It was time. His stomach knotted with nervousness, and he reluctantly got up.

-Good luck – Cadhla told him.

-Be strong and don’t tell him you’re gay.

Elliot huffed as he made his way to the church. He had to face the confession once again, and this time he was actually nervous. His feelings only intensified when he greeted the priest, who answered coldly. Even once in the church, when they were alone, he looked much more distant than usual, and it scared Elliot.

-Do you have to tell me something? – Philip asked after the formulas. Elliot furrowed his eyebrows. What did he mean? And why did he have to ask him right now, when he was so confused. Did he somehow know that he…? No way. But again, there was so much he could have known: the organ, the fact that they got drunk, or just simply how he felt.

-I don’t think so…

-You shouldn’t lie in church.

He lied so much in that place, but it didn’t even qualify as a church for him. That didn’t make him feel like he should have felt in church, he was always anxious and worried. That was not how he wanted to feel there, it was a sick joke, it was all a sick joke.

-I really don’t…

-Did you go to the isolation room tonight?

He froze. He didn’t answer, and that was maybe a mistake, but he didn’t know how. Leo couldn’t have told him, it hadn’t been his turn yet and he wouldn’t have told him unless he was forced to. Philip sighed, as if he completely understood what was happening in his head.

-The key didn’t fit well in the hole. It happened the first times when he tried to get out, but he wouldn’t have done it again. He opened it to let someone in, and it could only be you.

He hadn’t even considered that Leo was supposed to be locked there until Philip told him. He was physically locked in a room without anything to even rest on except the floor, that couldn’t be legal. And even if for some twisted reason it was, Leo had opened the door to let him in despite being aware of the fact that Philip would have noticed. Did he not care about going back there?

-He did – he admitted, tightening his fists – But it’s not his fault.

-What did you do?

Oh. Oh, that made sense. Philip knew that Leo usually went with somebody from the camp, and he thought it was him this time. It made sense, he wasn’t the only one to think there was something going on there, but he had to blow away every doubt. He wasn’t gonna let him nor Leo be punished for something they didn’t do, no matter if he wanted to do it.

-I brought him a book – he quickly answered – He forgot it upstairs, I know I shouldn’t have, but…

-I told you not to lie, you’re confessing, you’re talking with God.

-That’s why I’m not lying – Elliot insisted – I brought him his book, he let me in. We just talked.

Philip sighed, leaning forward with folded hands.

-You’re saying that you went in that room and just talked.

-We did – he assured him. It wasn’t a lie, they only chatted about literature. It was weird to think about it, he went in his crush’s bedroom, if that was to be called a bedroom and Leo was to be called his crush, and they only talked about books for more than an hour. He was hopeless, was he? But just talking to him was so nice, he could have done it forever.

-I’m just worrying about you – Philip told him in that greasy, creepy voice.

-I know – he whispered – But he hasn’t been anything but nice to me. Tonight was all my fault.

Philip scrutinized him, and Elliot held his gaze. He wasn’t gonna let him take the fall for what was really his fault for once.

-You don’t have to take the fall for him…

-I’m not! – he insisted. Philip sighed and shook his head.

-Look, because you never did anything wrong I’ll let this slide. But next time I’ll have to take measures, and it’s the last thing I want to do.

That was… a lie, wasn’t it? He had done things wrong. The river thing, and they were late after the party, and now this. He didn’t want to take measures just because he didn’t want any repercussions from his family. That happened before, the very rare occasions when he did something wrong like drinking outside, he always got away with it, at least with regular authorities. At home, that was where he got punished, mostly by boring speeches by his father and tears by his mother. But he was generally let off the hook. Maybe sometimes it didn’t hurt to have a rich family that people were intimidated by. If that meant he could defend both him and somebody else in one swoop, that was nice. He nodded, thankful.

-You will have to tell ten Pater Noster and five Hail Marys, and more tonight – he said, before giving him the blessing. Elliot sat down in one of the back benches. He could pray, he didn’t mind that, maybe it would have cleared his mind. He diligently said all of his prayers, absolutely sure that Philip was watching him and wouldn’t have let a single syllable slide. After he was done he bowed and almost ran out of the church. He knew it wasn’t Leo’s turn yet. He heard Philip call Chantel and he marched up to the table, where Leo was now alone and absentmindedly drawing shapes with his finger on the iron, clearly missing something more concrete to do, like read a book. He grabbed him by his shoulder and Leo gasped.

-Fuck Elliot you scared the living hell out of me!

-Listen – he said, sitting on the chair where he was before – Father Philip knows I saw you tonight.

-I figured – Leo sighed, undoing his ponytail. Why did he have to do that? – The key didn’t fit well.

-Why did you let me in if you knew you were gonna be punished?

He didn’t immediately tell him that he explained everything, he needed the answer first. Leo put the hair tie in his mouth as he collected the hair in a nicer, better combed hairdo.

-I couldn’t just leave you outside – he said through gritted teeth. Once he was satisfied with the amount of hair in his hands he took the hair tie and tied his locks in a bun.

-Anyway – he shook his head, trying to distract himself from Leo’s hypnotizing fingers – I told him I only came down to give you a book.

-Which is true – Leo nodded – I know, I’ll sleep there tonight. I really want a glass of water, can you get me a glass of water?

-No – Elliot interrupted him – I told him it was my fault, and he decided not to take any action.

-Oh – Leo said. He looked at the table, unsure on how to continue – Thank you.

-But you should have told me you couldn’t let me in – Elliot told him.

-I could have – Leo agreed, propping an elbow on the table and resting his chin on his hand – But I thought that for one reason or another I’d go back there anyway. Except now I don’t because I chose the right person to let in my room.

He grinned and Elliot shook his head.

-I really want a glass of water… - Leo whined, looking around hopeful. Elliot rolled his eyes.

-Yeah I’ll get you a glass of water – he scoffed as he got up. Leo giggled behind him.

-You’re a blessing love!

-I know I am…

He made his way to the kitchen, and once there he met Joanne, who was rummaging in the cabinets. She turned around when she saw him, and gave a small smile and nod.

-Hey man – she greeted him. He waved back at her as he went to the fridge.

-Hey Jo – he said, taking a jug of chilly water out and placing it on the table – You looking for something?

-Yeah – she answered, sighing in defeat as she looked at him – I thought we had some jam left, but I guess I was wrong.

-No we might have that – Elliot corrected her, pointing at the fridge – I think Alex put it in the fridge.

Joanne thanked him and got the jam out of the fridge, and Elliot took two glasses from the cabinet just above the sink.

-So… - she said, going to the table where she had left a slice of toast – I take it that everything’s good with you two.

-Bonnie – he scoffed – He’s making me bring him a glass of water like he deserves it.

She chuckled.

-You’re doing it though – she observed. Elliot put the jug back in the fridge. Yeah, he was. He wouldn’t have done it for anyone else, but he didn’t think about it for a second when Leo asked him to do it.

-I wanted one too – he shrugged. Joanne sighed.

-Elliot, if there’s one thing I got from our conversation is that you have a massive crush on Leo.

-I don’t – he denied, trying to sound believable. And he would have sound believable, if only he hadn’t almost cried the day before in front of her accusing Leo of breaking his heart.

-Come on – she groaned – You cried.

-I didn’t.

-You barely held back tears – she corrected herself, raising an eyebrow – Better?

-What do you want? – he asked, opening the freezer just to have something to do.

-I didn’t tell him anything.

Elliot was incredibly relieved. He was sure she hadn’t, but still, hearing it was relieving.

-And… - she continued, clearing his voice – I guess I’m sorry for misunderstanding.

He didn’t answer, getting some ice cubes out of the freezer.

-But I’m adamantly sure that he likes you.

-He doesn’t – Elliot immediately said, letting the ice fall in the glasses.

-How do you know besides the fact he lied to you?

He took a deep breath.

-From what I know about him he should have tried to do something with me. And he doesn’t even touch me unless it’s necessary.

That wasn’t entirely true. But it wasn’t Leo’s fault, nor Elliot’s. He didn’t know whose fault he was, but they tended to touch each other a bit more than needed, always. Just a little brush of their fingers when they passed each other things, shoulders touching when they sat next to each other. Just that bit more than what was necessary.

-Because he doesn’t wanna fuck you – she insisted, rolling her eyes – Well, he does, but he genuinely likes you. And he doesn’t want to.

-Why wouldn’t he?

-Are you dumb? – she asked – He’s… You know what? I’m not gonna tell you. He’s gonna tell you. Just… don’t waste these days.

Joanne got out of the room, biting her toast. Elliot found himself alone with two glasses of water. Leo didn’t like him, why would he. They were too far, he was too fancy, too posh for someone like Leo, he could never make him happy. But he could bring him his glass of water. He took a packet of crisps with the glasses and he walked back to the table. Leo was sitting where he left him, playing an imaginary keyboard on the iron. He looked really, thoroughly bored. He placed the glass in front of him.

-Took you long enough – he scoffed, drinking a big gulp of water. Elliot placed the crisps down in front of him.

-I was talking with Joanne – he explained himself, taking one of the crisps.

-Was it nice? – he asked. Elliot looked at him, covered in a thin layer of sweat, glasses closed and placed on the table.

-She’s nice – he answered.

-You know she’s gay, right? – Leo commented.

-What, you think I like her? – Elliot joked – Are you jealous?

-Should I be?

Leo looked at him, a grin on his lips that didn’t quite stretch to his eyes.

-I wouldn’t do that do Rose – he said with a shrug. Leo changed his grin to a more sincere smile before that also faltered.

-That was stupid – he muttered, drinking a sip of water.

-Sometimes people talk without meaning it – Elliot answered.

Leo nodded, reaching in the bag for a crisp, and their hands touched for a moment. A moment more than necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I know, this is a transition chapter, something is going to happen really soon I swear but the tone has to be set. Also I'm kinda in the middle of something for Uni right now but I hope to keep updating on time or earlier if necessary. Thank you again and don't worry, it's gonna get much more intense soon!


	11. Wednesday 2

Elliot and Leo ran in the room, just as the rain started to really pour down. It looked like a quick thunderstorm, but that was enough to get them wet.

-That was close – Leo commented, running his finger through his hair as if to catch the drops of water. He wasn’t as soaked as he was on Sunday, but he still shivered.

-We’re safe now – he joked – And you’re shivering.

-I’m soaked! – he justified himself. Elliot scoffed and took Leo by his shoulders, rubbing them to warm him up. Leo drew a short breath, followed by a warm sigh.

-Better? – he asked. Leo chuckled.

-Much better.

Philip loudly cleared his throat and Elliot immediately let him go. He completely forgot where they were, but that wasn’t news. He usually did when he was with Leo. They walked at their spots, almost everyone was already there, and that included Joanne, who grinned when he sat down.

\- “Better?” – she mocked him.

Elliot huffed but ignored her, looking at the food in front of him and getting nauseous at the thought of what was expecting him. It was Wednesday again, and he definitely hadn’t been a good catholic boy. The thought of eating made him remember the week before, and if he was at risk of feeling sick again he wanted to have the least amount of food as possible to vomit. Apparently, that day nobody was feeling hungry, not even Richard, who had surely been a good catholic boy. Just the memory of the week before was enough to make them feel sick. Philip still waited much too long, and at the end took a deep breath.

-Today, like last week, we are going to face the truth directly. But this time I’ll take out the people who truly understood their mistakes and how wrong their way of life was. Unfortunately, there weren’t many people who fit this description, including people I really hoped to see better off.

Elliot tried to stay as indifferent at the not so thinly veiled accusation, despite the looks Gregory was giving him.

-These people are Richard, Alexandra, Angela and Rose.

The sheer fact that Rose was included in the list tugged some smiles from the crowd, but he was mostly proud of Alex for keeping up such a difficult bluff. But Rose… that showed something. First of all that she was blatantly lying to him even in confession, but also just how blind he was. And Angela too… apparently being demure was all that Philip needed to consider you a good straight girl. It wasn’t surprising, just disappointing. He was quite surprised to not see Adam in the list, since the criteria for being a good pupil seemed to be “doesn’t look gay”. But maybe he was somehow more perceptive with men.

-The rest of you will have to endure the same treatment as last time – he sighed, disappointed – And I’m gonna let the others decide whether to put you in the morning or in the afternoon.

-I’d rather do it in the afternoon – Angela immediately answered, turning to Rose.

-Yes – she agreed, her sweet voice even more convinced – Much rather the afternoon. They can get the morning.

-Fine – said Philip – So, if the girls and the others would follow me now. The boys can wait here for my instructions.

He got up, duly followed by the people he called, and leaving the room for the four men.

-Fuck, not the afternoon – Leo whined, immediately grabbing a slice of toast. Yes that was a good idea, he could at least eat breakfast, he would have just avoided lunch. The other three imitated him taking food as well and stuffing their mouths with it.

-May I ask why you’re not a pupil? – Elliot said, before taking a biscuit. Adam shrugged.

-Don’t know. But whatever.

One second later Philip got in the room and they stopped eating altogether, waiting for the instructions. He sighed, remaining in front of the door.

-You have disappointed me greatly – he said – I have to admit, more than the girls. Except for one of you, of course, for whom I stopped having expectations.

Leo rolled his eyes with such strength that they could almost hear them.

-It’s not something to joke about – Philip hissed.

-Well I’m keeping you company for another month – Leo answered – Unless you’re shipping me back to London.

-I’m thinking about it.

That shut Leo up, and he became the mask of terror. Was London worse than that place? Philip seemed satisfied of the terror he instilled in Leo, and he looked at the rest of them.

-This however doesn’t mean that you have no hope – he continued – Today we’ll study the Bible together, and after the afternoon I hope you’re going to be changed people.

\---

Philip left the church and the four of them alone. Elliot’s heart was thumping in his chest, he heard blood rushing in his ears, and he winded up with an extremely scrambled mind and a slight nausea. He took deep breaths. He was expecting everything he saw, he was a little bit more in control than the other time. He wasn’t gonna vomit this time, he could keep himself under control.

-Nope – Gregory suddenly said, getting up and running outside. He was sorry for him, but he couldn’t go help him or he’d feel sick as well. He closed his eyes, but opened them right back when the black was filled with those horrifying images. Adam got up and calmly walked out of the church, leaving him and Leo alone.

-Are you okay? – Leo asked him. Elliot nodded weakly – Not sick?

-Not sick – he confirmed, voice quivering.

-To the count of three? – Leo offered, and Elliot nodded again – Okay. So one, two… three.

They stood up together. Elliot looked at Leo and he saw him doing the same, pale but not horrified. They left the church together, silently, and just as silently they walked to the same slope as always. It stopped raining at about noon, and the grass was still wet but they didn’t care.

-That was… not as terrible – he commented, voice a bit more stable as he inhaled the smoke.

-Yeah – Leo nodded – You get how I got almost used to it.

-I couldn’t get used to it – he shook his head.

-No, sure, not used. Just… accustomed.

-What did Philip mean? – he asked – With London?

Leo grimaced, shaking his head.

-I don’t really wanna talk about it. I could if I was drunk – he shrugged.

-You really wanna make me puke an 80 pounds wine? – Elliot answered, dragging his fag as much as he could to take his mind away from the thought.

-I guess not – Leo admitted – But time’s running out.

-We’ll drink it, I promised – Elliot said – And if we don’t it’s yours.

Leo shook his head.

-No, you paid for it, you don’t have to…

-I said if we don’t – Elliot specified – But I promised you, and I’m a man of word.

Leo chuckled, dropping the finished fag on the floor and immediately took another one out.

-Don’t I know that. That’s how I got you in that shirt.

-I know – Elliot answered with a waiver smile – I remember.

They smoked in silence for some minutes. There wasn’t much to say, Elliot couldn’t get distracted by any… inappropriate thoughts, it was too uncomfortable. After a while they heard calm footsteps behind them.

-Hey addicts – Greg greeted them – Wanna get inside?

They followed Gregory inside, and it wasn’t long later that they were somehow all together in their bedroom, getting changed for dinner.

-I found the prettiest place today – Greg said, changing his shirt – It’s like a small clearing just beyond the first line of the woods.

-The one with the stump? – Leo asked, sitting criss-cross on Elliot’s bed. Gregory nodded.

-It’s so pretty, right?

Leo agreed, leaning back on the wall. Elliot was practically into the closet, going through his clothes trying to find a non-polo shirt and failing miserably. It rained too much those last days to dry his t-shirts and now he had no choice but go for the polo shirt. He sighed, getting out a pale pink one. It was a favourite of his, especially in the summer. Now, was it worth the obvious comments?

-Is that a pink shirt?

That was clear enough. He put the garment back in the closet as quickly as possible, not caring if it was still unfolded, and picking a minty green one instead. He really brought three different pastel coloured polo shirts to gay conversion camp. How did he not realize…?

-No, no, that was a pink polo shirt – Leo insisted, crawling on the side of the bed to be a bit closer to him and look in the closet.

-It was – he admitted – I like it.

-Sure you do, you’d look great in pink – Adam shrugged – Wear it.

-Yes please do – Leo giggled. Elliot pointed at him and looked at Adam.

-I would but do you see? Someone here is twelve.

-Come on Leo that’s just immature – Greg chuckled jokingly. Leo rolled his eyes and went back to his previous spot on the bed.

-Of course he’d look great in pink, I was just trying to have some fun.

Elliot decided to wear the pink shirt, even if just to challenge Leo to try and not be twelve at least for an evening. He started changing.

-So, Greg, what were you up to this afternoon? – Adam asked, just to keep the conversation going – In the clearing.

-Not much, I just took a stroll – he shrugged – Clear my mind. You get it.

They did, naturally. It wasn’t easy for anyone, and thought they took it much better than last week, they all had different ways to cope. Gregory walked, he and Leo sat down staring helplessly at the grass and Adam just took a shower and read or cleaned the dishes. Still, Elliot weirdly didn’t feel in as much of a bad mood as the week before. Sure, any thought of him being actually attracted to men was more painful than before, and looking at just how pretty Leo was stung him deeper than ever, but it was almost cushioned by how good of a time he had existing with him.

-Yeah – Adam sighed – It’s bad.

-And the worst part – Gregory continued through gritted teeth – Is that he thinks we deserve this.

-That’s just how he is – Leo shrugged, absentmindedly braiding his bangs.

-He’s an arsehole!

-Okay – Richard said from his bed. Elliot had forgotten he was there, as usual, he was so quiet unless something annoyed him, and the fact he was so quiet usually prompted them to say things that annoyed him. It was a loop – Should I pretend I didn’t hear that?

Gregory whimpered defeated.

-Sorry… - he said, and silence fell on the room for a couple seconds.

-Do you think tomorrow’s gonna rain? – Adam asked, desperate to start a conversation di dissipate the tension.

-Maybe – Leo shrugged, stretching weakly.

-I hope it doesn’t – Greg sighed – I hate it when it rains, there’s nothing to do inside but bask in the awareness of the fact that we’re gay.

Leo giggled, and Elliot couldn’t stop a flash of “pretty” from crossing his mind, immediately followed by a sting in his stomach.

-Well maybe we can convince Elliot to wear another shirt and he’ll get wet again – Greg continued. That caught them all by surprise, how mindlessly something that inappropriate was being thrown around, but maybe even more surprising was that the way it had been said didn’t even sound sincerely inappropriate, only stupid.

-I’ve served my share – he said, experimentally – It’s Adam’s turn now.

-That’d be nice too – Leo smiled, shrugging. He didn’t really look sincere, but he didn’t look pained.

-Really Elliot? You throw me under the bus like that?

-Sorry mate – he answered, right before seeing Gregory grin.

-I think I saw a white tight tee in your closet – he said, touching his chin with his index finger – I’d quite like to see you with that on…

In a second the tension was broken. Maybe it was overdose, that was how he felt, as if so much repression and so much self-doubt couldn’t but create the opposite reaction of exaggerating and joking about it. It was nothing but a coping mechanism, but it was an escape from everyday life, and did they need one.

-That’s not tight – Adam corrected him – It’s small.

-Sexy… - Leo joked, biting his nails. And to add the whole odd situation, Elliot was extremely amused to not be the centre of harassment for once, and happily watched the conversation unfold.

-Imagine him Leo – Greg sighed – With a small, wet t-shirt…

-Don’t say these things – Leo scolded him jokingly – I can’t help myself right here…

-Come on – Adam said, the tiniest bit flushed.

-Unfortunately – Greg sighed, ignoring Adam – But there’s the clearing…

Leo moaned, and that single moan made Elliot feel things he really shouldn’t have felt.

-Yes, I used to go there… - he said. Elliot’s stomach knotted at the thought of Leo being there with somebody, making out in the open. His mind was filled with those appalling images again and he tried to push them away, biting hit lip so hard he almost bled. That was not a good thought, no, bad thought, bad thought.

-The question is – Greg said – Would you take Elliot or Adam?

-We are right here – Adam said, raising his hand, as Elliot sighed. He couldn’t stay concentrated on bad thoughts too long, not when his surroundings where so entertaining.

-Oh Elliot, definitely – Leo nodded. Elliot furrowed his brows – He’s rich, I could blackmail him.

-Good thinking – Greg laughed, and even Elliot couldn’t stifle back a laughter – But I’d take Adam, he looks like he’d be a freak.

-You’re not wrong – Leo admitted.

-Not even asking us about it? – Elliot asked, shaking his head. It felt good to participate, and let his worries go, and pretend like he wasn’t thinking about anything but having fun.

-I mean – Adam giggled – I’d take Elliot too, the blackmail idea is just too good.

Gregory gasped dramatically, mouthing a “traitor” at him, and Adam shook his head.

-Do I have any saying in this? – Elliot protested.

-Come on, you should be grateful – Gregory answered – We all wanna play with your… what was it? Long, thick oak branch.

Leo widened his eyes and burst out laughing, and soon the others were infected as well. It was nice laughing with them, bonding over the only thing they had in common: being stuck there. For a second they were powerful, they were true and sincere and they joked around like they were on a camping trip in the countryside. For a second he was happy. Then a loud creak filled the room.

-Stop! – Richard yelled. They got immediately quiet and Richard got up from his bed. He looked like a storm incarnated.

-Sorry – Greg whispered, but it wasn’t enough.

-No, I’ve had enough! How can you be so careless, do you just not give a fuck?! – he shouted. He saw Gregory take a step back, it sounded like days of pent-up anger had finally come to a limit – Did seeing those things really not affect you at all?! Just how sick are you?! I could tell on all of you, you should be thankful I haven’t said anything to Father Philip yet!

-Calm down Rick – Adam said, trying to sound peaceful but coming out as menacing instead.

-No! We are here to be cured, and you’re all acting like deviants! And even if you don’t care about yourself, you know you have families to go back to! And they don’t approve of your lifestyles, you have to at least care about them!

-That hits too close, love – Leo murmured with a sad smile. He didn’t look offended, just mildly sad, and a surge of defensiveness rose from Elliot’s stomach dangerously close to his head, any and all thoughts replaced with the need to be on alert.

-You shut up most of all! – Richard said, pointing at him – You should all be ashamed but, you, oh you are just disgusting. And you – he said, pointing to Elliot – I’m disappointed in you. You should have been better than all of this, you should be above them, and instead you level with these… sick people?!

Now it was really getting to his head. He tightened his fist so much his knuckles whitened.

-Okay Richard, we get it, we’re sorry – Greg tried to say, conciliatory, but he was way too far gone to listen to any reason now, eyes fixated in Elliot’s.

-Falling for him?! – Richard continued, pointing at Leo. Elliot didn’t even move his eyes in the direction of the finger, giving all he had to not do something impulsive – Do you even know who he is? He’s a whore, he has nothing to give you, he’s tricking you! I saw you, Saturday night at the organ, bent over like the sissy that you are staring at him! And this morning, and always, just constantly eye-fucking?! You can’t seriously be falling for this… this cunt!

He moved before he was able to tell his body not to, and found himself pinning Richard against the wall, hand on his collar keeping him on his toes. He was vaguely aware of the gasps behind him, but not enough to deconcentrate him.

-If I hear another word I’m gonna end you – he hissed at him, keeping him pinned to the wall. Richard yelped, and Elliot pressed him further – I said to shut your fucking mouth!

-For the love of God stop!

He didn’t listen, and watched as Richard panted and struggled, not loosening the grip for a second, a rush of adrenalin traversing his body.

-Elliot – Leo called him. He knew it was Leo, without even seeing him, and he sounded terrified – Let him go.

He felt his fingers on his arm, and he didn’t wait a moment before obeying, loosening the grip enough for Richard’s struggles to free him. He gave him one single horrified look and ran away, undoubtedly running to Philip. Elliot recollected himself, panting, finding some sort of comfort in Leo’s fingers on his skin. There was complete silence in the room, except for the noise of Elliot’s breaths and his heart, beating forcefully in his chest. Fuck, he never lost control like that.

-I… - he said, blinking –I- I didn’t…

-I fucking hope you didn’t! – Leo yelled at him, letting his arm go – Fuck Elliot you could have seriously hurt him!

The control he just regained faltered for a second as he turned to Leo. He looked terrified, he had what looked like the beginning of tears in his eyes. Elliot was taken aback.

-I couldn’t just let him talk like that… - he whispered, realizing he sounded much too innocent for someone who had just pinned someone to the wall.

-I don’t give a fuck what you thought! You’re gonna be thrown out!

Oh, that was right. He could have been expelled. Philip had to take measures now, he hit his valet.

-Leo calm down – Gregory said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

-So let me be expelled! – Elliot answered, in a much more controlled rage than before – It’s not like you give a fuck about me anyway!

Leo turned the deepest shade of red he ever saw.

-You absolute fucking idiot… - he growled.

-Let’s not do this right now, yeah? – Adam interjected, physically parting the two, and taking Elliot by the arm – You did something outrageously stupid. And I know why you did it, but you could have hurt him.

-He deserved it! – Elliot blurted.

-Whether he did or not – Adam interrupted him – You could have hurt him.

Elliot breathed heavily, and the reality of the situation set in. He was in trouble. Big trouble. If they called his parents… he didn’t even wanna know what they’d do to him. He grabbed Adam’s arm, trying to shift control.

-I’m… I didn’t mean to hurt him.

-Then why the fuck did you pin him to the wall?! – Leo shouted, tightly held back by Greg’s arms. Elliot glared at him.

-Because he called you a cunt!

Leo opened his mouth but didn’t say anything, and Elliot saw Philip marching down the corridor. He had nothing to defend himself. Philip got into the room and Adam let Elliot go, leaving him standing up in front of Philip outraged eyes. Elliot tried to meet his gaze, but immediately failed and shot a look to a distressed Leo, still in Gregory’s arms. He wanted to have him in his arms, he needed to hold him and tell him that he was perfect, and he was not a whore, he was not disgusting.

-Mr Nightray – Philip called him – If you could follow me.

He turned around and exited the room, and Elliot followed him absentmindedly. Before it was too late he turned to watch the room. As soon as he looked at the room he saw Leo look away, and directing his eyes to Richard, mouthing something to him. He followed Philip to the church, and to the same road he walked just one night before night to go see Leo. Once downstairs, Philip opened the door and invited him in. Elliot didn’t have any choice but obey, still too shaken to think for himself.

-Do you have any explanation?

Elliot bit his lip. He did, he had a lot of explanations, he could say Richard had insulted him, he could say he called Leo a cunt, he could say a lot of things, but not in that moment.

-I’m terribly sorry – he whispered – I lost control.

-If you did, why didn’t you hit him?

-Le- They stopped me. I wouldn’t have hit him, I don’t think so, but… they stopped me.

He couldn’t in any way risk dragging Leo into that. Philip nodded.

-I’ll consider calling your family – Philip sighed.

-Please, please don’t – Elliot begged him. He was looking at the floor, and he was so ashamed of himself and he was nauseous for begging to him, but he didn’t have any other way – I’ll do anything.

Philip stared down at him.

-I’ll come tomorrow morning after breakfast. I want you to pray and repent.

He got out of the room and Elliot heard him close the door with a double lock. Once he was alone he fell on his knees on the floor. What happened to him? What was shaking so much in his life to make him act that way? He lost control, he was close to hurting a person, an annoying person for sure but an innocent one. And now he was locked in that room for hours without dinner and without breakfast, after all that happened in the afternoon. It was torture, not conversion camp, not bible study camp. He sat leaning on the closet like that night. What could he do? He could just pray and try to sleep. And think. And if he did think he’d think about Leo, and he couldn’t think about Leo or he would have thought about… no, not those images again, not them again, he couldn’t bear them. Too many thoughts raced in his head, too many to control.

He suddenly heard a knock at the door and woke up covered in sweat. A knock?

-It’s me – came a voice from the other side of the door. He got up and walked to the door, touching the hard wood.

-Leo – he breathed. It wasn’t a question. His head spun for a moment, a cold sweat on his back as he trembled in anticipation, and he tightened the hands on the wood, looking around the empty room – I don’t know how to open this, tell me what to look for-

-Don’t even think about it – Leo said from the other side of the door, and it didn’t leave any room for protests – He’ll expel you for real if he knows you let me in.

He was right, of course.

-Why are you here?

He heard a weak chuckle and his heart throbbed at the thought of not being able to see him.

-I thought I’d keep you company – Leo replied, making a noise like he was sitting down. Elliot imitated him, kneeling next to the door, facing it as if he could see the other’s figure behind it. The room didn’t really feel empty with Leo on the other side of the door.

-Thank you.

-Not like I can leave you all alone after the video – he said, almost mocking. He was thankful, he really wouldn’t have resisted so many hours in that room by himself just thinking about that – So what’s the damage?

-I’m here until tomorrow morning – he informed Leo, impersonal, but his stomach knotted at the realization.

-That’s not even that harsh – Leo commented – Considering how far you crossed the line.

-I know I did…

-Just like, obliterated the line.

-Leo.

-Making me question if there was a line, so far beyond…

-I get it!

-Why did you do it?

-I told you – he sighed – I couldn’t let him talk like that.

-He was quite rude.

-He called you a whore.

-He was not the first. Are you gonna hit everyone who called me a whore?

-Give me lunch breaks and I’m in.

Leo laughed, and Elliot melted in a smile to nobody. Sometime before he decided to sit with his back to the door, facing the room.

-Right, listen – Leo suddenly said – I left Lady Chatterley in the closet there.

Elliot got up and opened the closet, finding it completely empty except for the book he brought down there the day before.

-Indeed – he answered, book in hand and sitting back down close to the door – Why did you? I thought you finished it.

-The sex scenes are hot, I thought I’d keep myself occupied.

Elliot grimaced, but before he could even answer Leo laughed.

-I’m messing with you – he said, in such a light-hearted, chipper voice he could swear he heard him as if he was sitting next to him – I like to reread some scenes from books I like. I was sure I’d be there tonight.

Elliot didn’t answer, holding the book in his hands. It was like having him there.

-It’s really good, you should read it.

-I will – he said – For sure. You think I could finish it in one night?

-You’ll lose my respect if you don’t.

-Oh and what do I do with your respect? – Elliot asked jokingly. Leo didn’t answer, but Elliot could swear he heard him sigh.

-You’re supposed to be above this – he whispered – Why are you mixing with me?

-I’m not above anything – he scoffed, annoyed at the notion that Leo thought those kind of things – And I mix with whoever I want.

-But why me? – Leo insisted – I called you a pansy first thing when we met, and you called me a slag like one hour later.

He did, he remembered it all. Why did he start hanging out with him? After what they did on Tuesday… It was more than a week ago.

-I’m not sure – he lied – Your city charm, I guess.

There were so many reasons. Maybe he would have told them to him one day, but he wanted to look him in the eyes while he did. Leo made a raspy laugh.

-I’m sure – he answered. They sat in silence for a minute. Why was it so easy to talk to him that he felt uncomfortable doing it? Leo suddenly whispered something he couldn’t make out, and he frowned.

-I didn’t hear you – he said, turning his head to the wood. He heard some noise.

-I have to go, if Philip finds me we’re both in even more trouble – Leo answered.

-Right – he said, without getting up – Say hi to the others for me. And tell Richard I’m very sorry.

-Sure, as if he’s gonna listen to me – Leo joked – I’ll try. And…

He didn’t talk for a couple seconds, and Elliot squinted, not understanding if he was silent or if he just wasn’t hearing him.

-I can’t hear you – he decided to say, one hand open on the wood.

-Just… Don’t do it again – Leo said – I’m going now.

-Goodnight Leo – he said to the door. There was a second of silence.

-Goodnight Elliot.

He heard his steps on the stairs. Oh, how much colder it was, being in there all alone. Elliot sighed turning back to the empty room. Was Leo worried for him? Not that he shouldn’t, but the thought of Leo being actually worried for him was entertaining. Uncharacteristically sweet of him. But what he said before that… Why did he mix with him? He started liking him when they had that conversation about The Catcher in the Rye, but he really started liking him after… that. That kiss. God, he wanted to kiss him again. And again, and again, on his lips, his neck white as the snow. A chill ran down his spine. He hated it. He shouldn’t have thought that, he was there to not be like that. But the thought of Leo’s lips on his, the memory of his hands on his skin… it was so good, so personal and so above the physical level that it surpassed every terrifying image of the video, replacing them with tormenting questions instead. Why did he kiss him if he didn’t like him? Was it a challenge, or did he only do it to make him realize something about himself? But he was the one to break the kiss, not Leo. Sure, Leo told him to go away, but only after he stopped it. If he hadn’t stopped him… what would have happened? If he just kissed him at the river instead of answering the question, what would have happened? He would have probably been rejected. But… what if he hadn’t. What if Leo answered the kiss, if Leo embraced him and allowed him to touch him and… do things to him. Fuck, he never thought about those things before. But he wanted to do them to Leo, he wanted to touch him and to make love with him and to hear him moan for him. What was he thinking?! He shook his head and stood up, trying to make those slithering images from the video disappear. As if he even needed those to be insecure about that.

He walked around the room for a minute. He still had cigarettes in his pocket, but the room didn’t have any windows, and he really didn’t want Philip to smell the smoke the next morning. He sat back down in front of the closet. He had to overcome that… whatever that was. He needed to, he couldn’t leave that place without closure, and that was the only closure he could have. He asked for it, they were going nowhere. Nowhere. And that was right, it was the only way it could have been. He opened the book to the first page and began reading, ignoring the tears slowly falling on his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! God knows how nervous I am about this chapter. This was a challenge to write and even more to edit, but here it is, the beginning of the end. I feel like this whole thing gets worse the longer it goes on, both inside and outside the story itself lol. But as they say, when you get to the bottom you have no choice but to go up. I really hope you're still engaged, thank you very much for reading!


	12. Thursday 2

He jumped up when he heard steps on the stairs close by. He had fallen asleep leaning against the hard wood closet, finished books on his tights. Before he could even think about hiding the very inappropriate book he was woken up by the roar of his own stomach, demanding something to fill him up after basically twenty-four hours of involuntary fasting. But still, it was Philip, and Philip wouldn’t have approved of his reading choices, so he opened one of the closet doors behind him and shoved in the book, closing it back as soon as he heard the key slide effortlessly in the lock. He sat back down, looking at the floor, trying his best to ignore the cramps. Philip opened the door wide and looked at him. He didn’t look good, he knew he didn’t look good, in fact he was pretty sure he never looked worse.

-Good morning – Philip greeted him, and Elliot raised his head to look back at him, trying to keep up a blank expression.

-Good morning – he answered without emotion.

-I hope you had an eventful night – Philip said, squinting at him. Elliot remained quiet, he wasn’t sure how to answer. Should he lie? – You should be feeling clean now.

-I am – he decided to answer, hoping to run away from that conversation as quickly as possible, but all his attempts to sound unfazed faltered when his stomach roared again. He had to press his hands down to calm it the littlest bit.

-Get up – the man ordered him and Elliot duly obeyed. His legs were not helping, sore and cramped after a night of sitting and laying on the hard floor, but he had learned in life that you should never, ever show weakness to people who expected weakness. He stood strong on his legs, hiding how much he was striving to stay up. He looked at Philip in the eyes – You will apologize to Richard in front of everyone.

Elliot nodded. Philip turned around and invited him to precede him on the stairs, probably to assure he wasn’t gonna run away or anything. He had no intention to, only focused on getting that over with, eat everything he could and then sleep. He glanced at his watch, and it signed 8:30. It was earlier than he thought, Philip had promised him a stricter sentence, but he wasn’t going to complain about it. He was still in time for breakfast, and although he doubted he would have let him eat breakfast he was gonna do his best to deserve it. Once out of the church he met the light of day again, and he stopped on his tracks for a second.

-Something wrong? – Philip asked him. Elliot straightened his posture.

-No – he answered – Are we going to the dining room?

-We are, so if you’d make way.

Elliot didn’t even wait for his sentence to be over and quickly walked down to the dining room. He really didn’t wanna do it, it made him nauseous to even think about it, but he didn’t even have anything to vomit, so it really didn’t make sense. He entered the room with a large stride, insistently looking down. Yet, he felt all the eyes of the room on him.

-Now, mr Nightray – said Philip. He flinched at the sound of his surname – You should apologize.

Elliot took a deep breath, preparing to talk.

-And please stop looking at the ground.

He raised his head, agonizingly slow, and immediately met Joanne’s horrified gaze and his own empty place. He never realized how front and centre he was in that room. But he knew those weren’t the eyes he was supposed to meet, and he slid his look to the left, finally meeting Richard’s demanding eyes on his own.

-I am incredibly sorry for my actions – he began, trying to disconnect his brain from his words to not get too humiliated – I realize how terrible they were.

-Who are you apologizing to?

-Richard – he answered instantly. Every second in that position made him realize how much he would have rather be still down there starving than doing that.

-Did he deserve what you did?

-He didn’t.

-The why did you do it?

-Because – he said, but he regretted that word instantly – I don’t know.

-There must have been a reason. And I think I have a reason.

Elliot furrowed his brows and he heard his neck crackle as he turned his head to Philip.

-I think Leo told you to.

He froze on the spot, not having the courage to look at Leo. What was he doing? Of course it wasn’t Leo who told him that, he couldn’t actually believe it.

-In that case you would be forgiven, naturally – Philip continued, with a sickeningly smooth voice.

That hit Elliot like a rock in the throat. Now that was what Leo meant with being thrown under the bus. If he wanted to be completely let off the hook he just had to say yes, he only had to say that. And Leo would have been punished as he usually was, he was used to it. Why did Philip hate him so much to make him take the blame for something he clearly didn’t do? He turned back to Richard, looking for Leo at the corner of his eye without clearly looking at him. He wasn’t looking at anything but the table. If he let Leo take the blame everything would have been fine, he’d be left alone and he knew Leo wouldn’t have minded that much. No parents, no home, nothing to be humiliated more than he already was.

-Absolutely not – he answered, and he saw Leo’s head shoot up to look at him. He quickly looked away, too embarrassed to meet his eyes.

-Elliot, dear – Philip chuckled confused – You don’t have to take the fall for him again.

-Absolutely. Not – he repeated – I’m not taking any fall. He didn’t tell me anything.

-I know what kind of person he is, I expect it from him…

-I did everything on my own accord. Leo had nothing to do with it, nor anyone else.

He promised Leo. He wasn’t gonna throw him under the bus, he promised him. No matter the consequences, he would have faced them, he promised he wouldn’t have done it. And honestly he didn’t expect Philip to be so appallingly straightforward about it. He just wanted to blame Leo and punish him.

-Are you sure…

-I am sure. And I’m very sorry – he said again, looking at Richard.

He still hadn’t clearly looked at Philip since he entered in the room, but he could feel the drilling look on his neck.

-Fine. You can go wait near the door until breakfast is over.

Elliot marched towards the place he was pointed to and stood in an almost military stance in front of the wall, perfectly aware of the fact that he didn’t have permission to lean on it. Once there he scanned the room from the bottom. Richard looked frustrated, and he viciously attacked his eggs. Joanne was still looking at him, distraught, and she blinked twice when Elliot met her gaze. He sighed silently and moved forward, Adam gave him a quick glance when he passed him, and Gregory looked worried more than distressed. He passed Leo, who was very clearly avoiding his eyes. He tried to wait a second, to see if Leo noticed he was looking at him, but Leo didn’t move. His legs trembled for a second and he tried curling his toes just to get the blood to flow. He was still cramped, and he heard his stomach growl again. He looked around, but even without doing it he was sure somebody heard him.

Breakfast was slow, terribly slow. He never realized how long breakfast was. His legs were on the brink on giving up, he was so close to falling on his knees, but he knew he couldn’t. They felt numb, weak, cramped and strived at the same time. And he was so hungry, he could have eaten the grass if needed. But he wouldn’t have kneeled, he wouldn’t have given up. He had already enough to face as is, he had no intention on humiliating himself further.

-So today – Philip began, and Elliot straightened back up – We will have confessions. I wrote the order on the door of the church. You are free to go.

He got up first and slowly walked out of the room, every one of his steps a slight in Elliot’s knees, wobbling every second more than the one before. Philip got out, and he walked up the light slope. In that moment his knees gave up and he fell forward, but before he could touch the floor he was helped up by a strong pair of hands. It was Adam, it couldn’t be anyone but Adam.

-Thanks – he muttered, as he helped him get back on his feet. His stomach growled again, and he heard a giggle that could only be Joanne’s.

-Come eat something – she invited him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. They walked to his usual spot, Elliot trying his best to not limp like an idiot. He was still surrounded, but food was his first and only concern at the moment. He grabbed a slice of bread and shoved it in his mouth.

-How are you feeling? – Gregory asked. Elliot shook his head.

-Better now – he answered, looking down at his beautiful breakfast – How’s Richard?

-He’s fine, you just scared the shit out of him – Adam shrugged.

-Well I apologized now – he repeated. And he was sorry, really, he didn’t mean to hurt Richard, no matter what he had said. But there was a limit. He raised his eyes for a moment and met Leo’s, who was now finally looking at him – I finished it.

Greg, Adam, Joanne and Alex looked confused, but Leo’s lips stretched in a faltering grin.

-You still have my respect then – he whispered.

-He’s such an arsehole though – Alex muttered, angry – Why did he drag you into this?

-You answered it yourself – Leo shrugged, but he didn’t stop looking at Elliot.

-Why does he hate you so much? – Greg asked. Leo finally broke the gaze.

-I really don’t wanna talk about it, yeah?

He really had to talk to him.

-Let’s go, we wouldn’t wanna miss the first confessions – Elliot observed, taking one last toast before getting up. He stretched his legs for a second, still safely surrounded by his friends – And I wanna change shirt.

-Such a shame – Joanne shook her head – You look nice in pink.

-Yeah – he answered.

He was apparently the third confession of the morning, so he barely had time to change and wash his face before he had to go see Philip again. On his way to the church he saw Leo, smoking against a tree.

-Hi – Leo greeted him, tapping the ash from the fag. Elliot stopped.

-Hi – he greeted back. Leo sighed.

-You didn’t throw me under the bus – he said, avoiding his gaze.

-I promised you I wouldn’t, remember? – he answered. Leo finally looked at him, and he had the weirdest expression on. He looked conflicted, almost sad.

-I need to talk to you…

-Not now – he interrupted him, looking over at the church. He wanted to talk to Leo, he needed to talk to him, he couldn’t leave that place without even telling him, but he couldn’t now – When are you?

-Right after you – he whispered – He’ll decide what to do with me after he’s done with you.

-We’ll talk this afternoon – he said, seeing Philip get out of the church from the corner of his eye – I have to go now.

Leo nodded and Elliot got into the church without even looking at the priest. He had to resolve things with Leo, it was tense, they both knew they had something going one and it wasn’t just going nowhere. He sat down on the bench next to Philip, and followed the formulas.

-Elliot – Philip sighed – You realize that I am in a difficult position now.

Elliot silently nodded. It was his second-to-last confession there. He only wanted it to be over.

-I tried to make things easier for you… - he shook his head. He couldn’t believe he was really saying that. He didn’t want to make it easier, he only wanted to have an excuse to rage against Leo – But I suppose you were good tonight, you didn’t let anyone in and you didn’t try to get out.

-Of course – he muttered – I was wrong, I deserved it.

Philip looked satisfied with the answer.

-Since we’re so close to the end and since you’ve been so serious about this… I’ll let it go.

Elliot felt like a rock just lifted from his chest. He wasn’t gonna call his father. That was perfect, he knew a smile was tugging at his lips.

-Thank you – he whispered. Philip nodded and went on with a boring speech about trust and obedience, but Elliot was now too serene to pay attention. But suddenly he found himself thinking about Leo. It was happening too often for comfort lately. But it was not like he hadn’t accepted the fact that he was attracted to Leo, he just didn’t want to bring it out of his mind and into reality. They didn’t realistically have a chance, he knew that, but he knew he was gonna hate himself forever if he didn’t even tell him. He realized Philip had stopped talking a second before it would have sounded strange if he still didn’t talk. He thanked him again, and got out of the church, meeting Leo’s eyes. Not really, actually, they were covered by the glasses and his hair. But he saw a glimpse of them, and they looked terrified.

\---

He didn’t have to dig too much before his fingers touched the cold glass of the wine bottle. Granted, it wasn’t as cold as it could have been, but he wasn’t about to complain. Besides, it was red wine, it didn’t need to be too cold to be perfectly enjoyable. They had to drink it, and he figured being tipsy was the safest way for both of them to be as honest as possible about… whatever they had to talk about. He still had so many questions to ask Leo, he didn’t know anything about him, really, about his life and why he was so afraid to go back home. And he needed to know… other stuff. He put on his largest jumper and hid the bottle under the fabric, preparing to go outside and find Leo.

Surprisingly, it didn’t end up being a rainy day. Instead it was a windy, cloudy day that looked exactly like you’d expect a British summer to look. It was somehow comforting, the weather had been crazy those two weeks, changing from sunny and unusually muggy to literal thunderstorms in the span of hours. A nice, dry, windy day felt like home. Home… that was going to be much sooner than he’d have liked. He had two and a half more days there, two nights, only two nights, and he had resolved nothing, even worse, everything was tumbling down. But even if nothing got resolved, at least he would have had a lovely afternoon downing crazy expensive wine with Leo. He could live with that. He looked around, getting used to the weak daylight after some hours of well-deserved sleep, thankfully they didn’t have anything but some bible study that day, so he had plenty of time to sleep when the others confessed. Nobody had come to bother him, and honestly maybe even if they had he wouldn’t have noticed. He was sure that Richard hadn’t even looked at him the whole day, not even at lunch, and he was fine with that. He was sorry, sure he was, he didn’t mean to actually injure him, but for what he said… he did deserve to be scared at least. He looked around, scanning the quiet patio, seeing the girls playing cards in a circle in front of the stones. He didn’t immediately see Leo, but he finally noticed him, smoking by himself on the side of the church. He was how you’d imagine melancholy to look like. He looked paler than usual, the fag kept up by unsure, trembling fingers, face covered by messy black locks looking down at the ground.

Elliot hid the bottle as well as he could under the jumper, keeping it up with a hand under it, and he walked over to the church. Leo heard him coming and he looked up, and seeing it was Elliot he nodded at him as to greet him and he took a drag out the fag.

-Are you okay? – asked Elliot. He didn’t look okay at all, it was a stupid question, but he needed to ask him at least to be fair.

-Yeah – Leo lied, and Elliot raised an eyebrow – How are you feeling?

-Much better – Elliot quickly answered, but he didn’t stop scrutinizing Leo – You sure you’re okay?

Leo looked at him for a second before sighing.

-No… But there’s nothing you can do.

-Are you sure? – Elliot asked with the ghost of a smirk on his lips. Leo squinted, suddenly interested in what he was saying.

-Pretty sure – he repeated – You’re freaking me out love.

-Wanna go to the river? – Elliot offered, trying to sound mostly uninterested. Leo shrugged, putting out what was left of the fag under his shoe.

-He could get really angry – he commented as they made their way behind the church.

-He’s never gonna find us – he reassured him, holding the bottle tight to his chest. If he was gonna drink half a bottle of wine he might as well do it where he couldn’t be seen.

-So… you finished the book – he said, clearly trying to make conversation.

-I did.

-Did you like it? – Leo asked, curiosity and excitement shining through his voice. Elliot bit his lip.

-Not really my cup of tea, as you might say – he decided to answer – A bit too introspective.

-You’re just too daft to get it.

-I’m not daft – he retorted, as Leo walked down next to him. He slid the bottle on his right, seeing as Leo was on his left.

-No you are – Leo chuckled. Elliot rolled his eyes – But luckily I’m smart enough for both of us.

Elliot turned to look at him. He still had something wistful about him, but didn’t he always? He looked like some sort of spirit, treading on the grass, eyes hidden by so much stuff he wasn’t even sure of what he could see.

-Whatever – he answered, elbowing him.

-You have other qualities.

-I know I do – he said, silently waiting for Leo to start listing them. And Leo smiled once again.

-You have pretty eyes – he said – And also you’re tall.

-Wow – he nodded – I really like how you believe in my intelligence. I’ll let you know I’m trying a music program in Oxford for this autumn.

-Good for you – Leo congratulated him without sounding sincere about it. They finally got to the river, and Leo sat down on the edge as usual, playing with the water. Elliot looked at him for a second before freeing the wine bottle from under his jumper and loudly clearing his voice. Leo looked up at him and his entire face brightened up with a surprised smile. He jumped up and touched the bottle in Elliot’s hands.

-Oh yes! – he mused, almost skipping. Elliot let him hold the bottle as he freed himself from the heavy jumper, which he laid on the grass. He took out Leo’s bottle opener from his pocket and Leo sat down next to his jumper on the bare, damp grass.

-I literally put it down to sit on it – he sighed, sitting down on his own jumper.

-I like the feeling of the grass – Leo shrugged, passing the still closed bottle back to him. He opened it and drank the first sip of wine. It was… amazing. He almost didn’t want to pass it to Leo, but of course he had to. Leo took it gratefully and he drank his first sip. He hummed content when the bottle left his lips.

-It’s so good – he sighed – God, I’ve never drank anything like this…

-Yeah this is really good – Elliot agreed, and Leo took another sip from the bottle.

-I bet you’re used to just having hundreds of pounds of booze down your throat – he said, passing the bottle back to him. Now, Elliot knew he should have left the wine decant for a few minutes, but he also should have drunk it in a wine glass, so it didn’t really make sense to be proper.

-Not really – he answered – That’s only for fancy dinners with business’ people, you know, and I’m really not into those.

-Why not? They must be scrumptious – Leo joked.

-Do you see me being a steel magnate in the future?

Leo didn’t answer and Elliot gave him back the bottle. He didn’t have anything to add to that, but he had a lot to ask Leo.

-You look pretty down – he said, careful not to throw Leo off.

-Thanks Holmes – Leo answered, rolling his eyes – I suppose you want to know why.

Elliot shrugged, and apparently that was enough for him to take a deep breath and start talking.

-He’s sending me home – he whispered, drinking from the bottle. Elliot furrowed his brows, confused. Yes, he seemed quite afraid of going back home, but at least he didn’t have anyone to account for his actions.

-And you’re not happy about it – he observed, aware of how stupid he sounded but also knowing that Leo was not gonna talk if not prompted.

-I’m fucking not – he said, drinking another exaggerate gulp of wine. Elliot took the bottle from his hands and he whimpered.

-Slow down, this isn’t water.

-How could I be happy? – Leo said, ignoring Elliot and deciding to hit a fist on the ground instead – Fuck. You’re trying to get me drunk…

-You’re doing everything by yourself – Elliot corrected him just before drinking, and Leo shook his head.

-You know when I said that London wasn’t bad? – he sighed, slowly – I lied. It’s terrible.

-You want to talk about it? – Elliot offered. Nothing mattered more to him than Leo’s well-being, and he was almost shivering and pale as a blanket, he looked on the verge of fainting. And if that bottle finished before they had closure… he could accept it. Leo took the bottle from his hands and drank another sip of wine.

-At the last foster home I started doing… immoral things. You know, sauntered with the wrong crowds. And those fucking arseholes called the feds on me. I’d turned eighteen just a few weeks before, but since I was officially in trouble with Scotland bloody Yard I couldn’t be left on my own for a while. So I was sent to this catholic orphanage, and they made assumptions about my sexuality quite quickly. And they basically started starving me until I admitted it, and when I did they…

He didn’t continue, and Elliot absentmindedly put his hand on the other’s. He wasn’t drunk yet, but it just felt like the right thing to do, and instead of pushing his hand away Leo took a deep breath and tightened his fist under Elliot’s fingers.

-And as soon as summer started I was sent up here. If he sends me back down they’ll know I’m not “cured” and they… Fuck. I can’t go back there.

He let out a single hiccup, more like a sob, and freed his hand from Elliot’s to cover his mouth. Elliot widened his eyes and touched his shoulder.

-I’m sorry – he whispered. Leo shook his head.

-You’re a handsy drunk – Leo smiled under his hand and Elliot immediately broke the touch and backed down. He drank a sip of wine, taking his glasses off and almost throwing them to the ground. The bottle, it was about… halfway through? They were finishing it faster than he ever imagined they were gonna be able to. They sat down in silence for a couple minutes, just downing wine like it was water.

-You’re almost nineteen though – Elliot observed – Can’t you just… try and make a living for yourself?

-It’s not that easy love – he answered, words becoming slurred – What job do I find that pays an apartment in London? And don’t lecture me – he continued, pointing an accusatory bottle of wine at him – What are you gonna do back home?

Elliot shrugged, and Leo drank some more.

-Live my life. Go to Oxford, then back home. When the time comes I’ll get married if I have to, I won’t if I can avoid it.

-That is appalling – Leo said, furrowing his brows and looking attentively at the ground. He passed him the bottle and Elliot thanked him before drinking.

-What choice do I have? – he sighed, and Leo chuckled.

-You’re almost nineteen though, can’t you make a living for yourself?

-For sure I could – he answered – I love my family, I really do, but they’re… strict. They really wouldn’t like me to wander around on my own.

-Run away then – Leo smiled. Elliot smiled as well and he drank another sip of wine.

-I’ll pick you up – he whispered.

Leo didn’t answer, and he took a fistful of grass to throw in the flowing stream. They watched silently as the grass got carried away.

-I’m gay – Elliot suddenly said. He didn’t know exactly where it came from, but he needed to hear himself say it once and for all. Let the words out. Not like he didn’t know that already.

-I know – Leo answered with a small smile – Me too.

Elliot sighed as tears prickled the corners of his eyes, definitely prompted by the fog thickening in his head. What was he gonna do back home, just be obedient and get other girlfriends and have sex with them until he had to put a ring on someone’s finger? He couldn’t do it. He could have maybe done it just three weeks before, but at that moment it sounded like such a trap, to deny everything he felt just to live a quiet life. He didn’t want a quiet life, he wanted a happy life.

-Don’t cry Elliot – Leo said, resting his head on Elliot’s shoulder – I’m proud of you.

-I’m not – he shook his head, the words crawling out of his mouth without his permission – What do I do now? I can’t be gay, don’t you get it?! And especially I can’t… - he stopped himself biting his tongue and drank another gulp of wine. Oh, that went to his head. Like immediately. There was something akin to the sound of a gong in his head and he passed the bottle to Leo.

-You’re a good person – Leo said – You’re too selfless for your own fucking good. Why didn’t you tell Philip I told you to hit Richard?

Elliot turned to him with furrowed brows.

-Because you didn’t…

-But if you did nothing would have changed. I’m still going back – he shrugged.

-But you didn’t! And I was not gonna throw under the bus, I promised you!

Leo laughed without joy, drinking some more.

-You promised me… - he repeated – Why?

Elliot decided not to answer. They were tiptoeing dangerously close to a cliff, and he was too drunk to not fall down.

-Why do you still… - Leo said again, rolling his eyes – Why do you keep staying with me?

-Because I like you! – Elliot answered immediately, and as immediately as he spoke he straightened the throw – I mean, I like spending time with you! You’re smart, and easy to talk to, and you… Well, I… I like being you friend.

-That figures…

Elliot furrowed his brows, confused by the hurt tone of Leo’s voice.

-Did I say something wrong?

“What the actual fuck, Nightray” his reason shouted, but he was much too lost now to acknowledge the incoherence of what he was saying. He just cared about not hurting Leo.

-Of course not – Leo shook his head – I’m just… Fuck, I’m pissed.

-Yeah me too – he nodded – At least we’re together.

-Why did I fall for you?! – Leo suddenly exclaimed, letting the now empty bottle fall on the ground, startling Elliot who flinched back – Why?! I never liked anyone for real, and you come along and you’re so dense and so cute and so everything that I like!

Elliot had a lump in his throat, but not a lump from crying, more one of shock.

-You… like me?

-Oh come fucking on! – Leo basically shouted – I kissed you on the literal third day that I knew you, I don’t think I needed to be any clearer!

-But you… you told me to forget it! – Elliot replied. Had he really been liking him all along? All of that time Leo just liked him?! His heart was pounding in his chest, as usual his immediate reaction to someone’s anger being getting angry instead of rational.

-Because you fucking ran away from me! – he explained – And I get it, I get it, you were right, and I was wrong, fuck, I am wrong, you don’t owe me any answer, I’m rambling, I-

-No I… - he began – Why didn’t you tell me before?!

-What good would it have done? – Leo asked, shrugging – You would just have been disgusted in your… little cocoon of internalized homophobia and stopped talking to me.

How could Leo use those words when he was drunk? Elliot found it hard to even piece together the information he had been given. No that was too hard, way too hard. Leo was avoiding his eyes, he noticed, and he had to fix that. He placed an hand on his chin and turned his face to watch him.

-Look at me when you talk to me – he whispered, closing in on Leo’s face. He looked unbearably confused. And also awfully pretty.

-But then – he continued, as if he was unable to stop the words coming out of his mouth – You were always so nice to me, and I thought that maybe you… you know. So on Sunday I told I’d just tell you, and you said that weird thing and I understood that you didn’t. But then I wake up and the first thing you do is show me the fucking sunrise like in a romance? That’s just unfair!

So many words all close to each other, they were swimming and elbowing in Elliot’s head, fogged up by the wine and by the sudden rush of adrenaline in his veins. It wasn’t the first confession he heard but none had made him so vulnerable. He was vaguely able to make up the concept that on that Sunday Leo didn’t even realize that Elliot felt turned down, because he felt turned down.

-I didn’t mean to do it – he answered, hoping he was being clear enough. He wasn’t, if Leo’s expression was any indicator – I didn’t mean to- you know, to… turn you down.

Leo’s eyes widened in surprise and… something else? He had no clue anymore. He was so cute. Just too cute. And he was already so close. Why not, after all? He leaned in slowly, slow enough that Leo could stop him if he wanted to, and he knew that he would taste only wine but he didn’t even care. He pressed his lips against Leo’s, and it was as if the world just clicked into place, like when you add the final piece to a puzzle you’ve been working on for weeks. He didn’t move, paralyzed by his own action, and just rejoicing in the warmth of Leo’s lips, those lips he had been dreaming about for days. After mere seconds of that perfect bliss the other boy broke the kiss and leaned back, a stunned look in his eyes.

-Oh no – he whispered – Oh this is so much worse.

That was offensive.

-Wh-why? – he stuttered, confused. Did he not want his feelings to be reciprocated? Did he not like him after all? Elliot considered for a second that he might have misunderstood, but even drunk the words coming out of Leo’s mouth had been pretty unmistakable.

-You can’t like me – he said, breathing heavily.

-Do you not want me to? – he asked, confused but with a strain of annoyance in his voice.

-I do – he shook his head – But this… this can’t be happening. Not now, not here. We have to-

Elliot interrupted him by kissing him again, and he wasn’t sure if he just wanted Leo to stop talking, which he did, or if he just wanted to never ever be apart from him ever again, which he also did. Leo whimpered weakly against his mouth but didn’t stop him, and Elliot deepened the kiss, chasing that feeling he had been longing for days now, that unearthly sensation of belonging and satisfaction paired with the sheer physical outburst that was kissing someone he was honestly attracted to. Leo tasted like expensive wine and smoke, and it was everything he could ask for in that moment. He responded to kiss eagerly, way more eagerly than Elliot expected him to after the words he said. He crawled closer to him without breaking contact and Elliot stroked his hair, still cupping his face with the other hand. Leo’s tongue was velvet in his mouth, and his chest was aching with how fast his heart was beating, and waves of confusion crashed in his mind with every flick of Leo’s eyelashes on his cheekbones. When they parted it was because he needed to do it or else he might have just fainted on the spot. They didn’t part enough for him to stop feeling Leo’s breath in his mouth.

-Elliot – he whispered. Elliot wasn’t sure if he had actually called him or if he was talking just because, but he stroked Leo’s cheek with his fingers.

-Leo – he answered – I’m sorry, but I… couldn’t stop thinking about it…

-You just had to make it harder than it needed to be… - Leo said, putting his hand on Elliot’s.

-You were the one that- how am I doing that? – he asked, leaning back.

-Do I have to tell you? – Leo replied, looking up at him with sorrowful eyes – Really?

-I could care less – he said, shaking his head slowly. Leo bit his lip.

-Just… kiss me again.

Elliot quickly complied, crashing their lips together once again, basking in the comfort of the action and how good it felt to be kissing Leo. It was perfect, so perfect, he was so glad it hadn’t been a useless dream and it did feel as good as he remembered it to. He could only imagine how good it would have felt kissing him while they were both sober. Leo crawled over his thighs, straddling his lap, and wrapped his arms around his neck. So perfect… he caressed his body upwards, finishing on his neck and pressing him closer. The feeling of his slim frame perfectly fitting against his body did things to him that he didn’t have time to explore in that moment, too lost in just the taste of Leo’s mouth, and going deeper and just taking everything he could from that second. His perception of the world completely faded as he contemplated how terrible every other sensation he ever experienced was when put against kissing Leo.

-Hey just friends.

They broke the kiss instantly and Elliot turned around to see Alex smirking at them, arms crossed on his chest. Leo cursed repeatedly as he fell off his lap. And at that moment Elliot noticed a slight situation in his jeans and closed his thighs together, hoping with all his might Alex didn’t see it.

-Hey Alex – he said, clearing his voice – Nice… er… shoes?

-Fuck – Leo contributed, straightening his t-shirt.

Alex squinted at them, then his eyes flew to the empty wine bottle next to Leo.

-Are you drunk? – he asked, and Elliot looked at a very confused Leo. He had red, swollen lips, and Elliot felt a ridiculous sense of pride thinking it was his fault.

-No – he decided to say. Alex rolled his eyes and got closer to them, picking the bottle up.

-This is expensive stuff! – he exclaimed – Did you drink this all by yourselves?!

-This is not what it looks like – Leo tried to explain, but Alex interrupted him.

-You don’t have to explain to me why you were snogging – he said, still reading the bottle – We were just wondering where you went, since you looked so gloomy.

-Yeah – Leo said – Well I’m fine.

He tried to get up but he swiftly fell back down. Elliot then got up and incredibly was able to stay up. Once stable, he offered a hand to Leo, which he used to help himself stand up. They looked at each other for a moment, but then Alex cleared his throat.

-You don’t have to come – he said, but Leo shook his head.

-No we do, dunne? – he answered, looking at Elliot. Elliot was distracted by his own spinning head and still upset heart and also upset stomach.

-Sure – he said, absentmindedly.

-Could you keep this to yourself? – Leo asked Alex. Alex looked mildly offended for a second, but Leo preceded him – I mean not even the others. Please.

Alex looked at them, and Elliot knew he wasn’t giving back the most woke of looks, but he didn’t really care, he was still confused. He was just now starting to come to the realization that he and Leo were making out, he was still decently far from realizing that Alex had seen them make out.

-Okay – he sighed – I’ll give you two a moment.

He gave the bottle to Elliot and turned around, starting to walk uphill. Elliot closed his fingers on the neck of the bottle until his knuckles turned white.

-This is just… - Leo said, voice trembling – The worst.

Elliot finally had a glimpse of understanding. That was what he meant. And he was right, obviously. It was the worst. The fucking worse. How did he even think sorting this out was going to make anything better. It was everything but closure, it was commencement, and commencement on the last Thursday of gay conversion camp was the worst.

-Listen – Leo spoke again, looking like he was trying very hard to hold back something – I can do this for you: if you want to have sex with me, you’re welcome. But don’t ask anything else from me.

Of course, that was not something Elliot was expecting, and definitely not something he wanted to face in that moment.

-I don’t – he answered, slowly, and Leo interrupted him before he could say anything else.

-Then that’s it.

No, that couldn’t be it. Elliot touched his shoulder briefly, but Leo immediately struggled and got away from his grip.

-We’ll find a way – he tried to say, but the wine wasn’t helping him sound as serious as he needed to, head pounding and mouth dry, so dry but still remembering Leo’s taste.

-No we – Leo said, and he started walking up the hill – There’s no we, Elliot.

Elliot saw him getting further and further away on the hill, but he didn’t have the strength to follow him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! And... developmenttt! Who would've thought! Of course, because life is dramatic and fiction is even more dramatic is not completely over yet! (me @ me "my god will you let them have a nice thing for once") Well, I hope I delivered on this pretty pivotal chapter! See you on the next update!


	13. Friday 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wild author's note note appears! So in this chapter there's a really tame sexual scene. The fic is rated mature and it should be fine, but I'll just put it out here.

It was, once again, a rainy day. But those were mere drizzles, nothing to do with the thunderstorm of a couple days before. Breakfast was normal, everyone’s interactions with Elliot had been painfully normal, actually, and his response just as normal. Of course, everyone apart from Leo, who still hadn’t said a word to him since the day before. Not even to ask him to get something from the wardrobe. Silence. But it seemed like Alex had kept his word, because nobody looked at them weird. That was, nobody apart from Philip, who didn’t seem to be able to stop staring at Leo.

-What is up with Philip today? – Cadhla asked, as if she read his mind. He shook his head.

-I know that he’s sending Leo back home – he answered – And Leo’s not happy about it.

-Seeing how drunk you were when you came back I’d say that’s an understatement – Joanne commented drinking her water.

They did come up from the river blatantly drunk, but they were quick to hide on the slope close to the main room, where Joanne found and scolded them. He felt like Joanne should know that she had been right, Leo did like him after all. But he wasn’t even sure of that anymore. He didn’t think Leo outright lied to him, but he was drunk. And they hadn’t really talked after… that, Leo tried his damned best to not have a second alone with Elliot. And contrary to plan even if they talked about their feelings he was so uncomfortable, he knew that just because they kissed that didn’t mean everything was fine. On the contrary. He should once again have to try and corner him just to talk. He was determined to put a close on this.

-He was really not happy about it – Elliot confirmed – But I don’t know why Philip’s so obsessed.

-At least he doesn’t have to stay here anymore… - Joanne sighed – Me neither, luckily. I talked it through with Philip and he decided I was acceptable.

As if he knew he was being talked about, Philip spoke.

-My lambs – he began, scanning them all with a smile – This is our last full day together, as you know. Tomorrow afternoon you all are gonna leave this part of your life, but I hope you all are going to remember this experience with joy.

Sure, joy. That was definitely how he was going to remember that experience. Elliot was sure that at that point Philip was going to call someone up, a fate he had miraculously avoided, but he didn’t.

-Today I want you all to write everything you feel that you’re ashamed off, and we will burn those papers, and from those ashes of humility we’ll know that we are going to be greater and better.

Well that was a pagan practice if he ever heard one. But that wasn’t the main problem there. Everything he was ashamed of… his eyes trailed over to Leo, who was looking down at his plate. He wasn’t ashamed of his feelings per se, but he remembered Leo’s words. They didn’t part well the day before. And he was ashamed, ashamed of what he was forced to do and for how inconvenient it all came down to be. He got up when he noticed he was one of the few still sitting down, and once up he tried to get closer to Leo, who was walking by himself.

-You didn’t talk to me this morning – he greeted him, and Leo sighed.

-Indeed, I did not – he answered – Any more ground-breaking observations?

-Why didn’t you? – he asked. Leo turned to look at him for a second.

-Sometimes it’s really hard to understand if you really don’t get it or you’re just trying to annoy me.

-Sometimes I wish you were a bit nicer to me – he retorted.

-Could still fuck you if you asked.

-I don’t want to fuck you! – he hissed, careful of not being heard by the others, and Leo sighed.

-Then there’s nothing I can do for you.

He walked faster to precede him to the building, and he was left behind, standing close to Alex. He heard him sigh.

-So… - he whispered – I was good and kept it for myself. Care to tell me?

Elliot took a shaky breath, stopping right by the door. He had no particular reason to rush to get inside, and staying away from Leo was better that being uselessly close to him.

-I’m not sure – he admitted – He… he hates me now for some reason?

-It sure as hell didn’t look like he hated you yesterday – Alex commented in a murmur, even though they were alone in front of the building – But I suppose I get him.

-Good for you – he said, hoping the poison in his voice was clear enough for Alex to understand. Alex shook his head.

-You must understand him, Elliot. He wouldn’t force himself on you.

Elliot furrowed his brows and turned to him, not understanding. He could see how it was hard since it was the end of camp, and they couldn’t see each other ever again, and he just came to terms with his sexuality, and that was all to be seen yet, but what Alex said had nothing to do with any of those things.

-I think, and it’s just my opinion – he began – That he thinks you only see him as a discovery, something new to explore. And he doesn’t want you in that way.

-He keeps telling me if I wanna… do him! – he retorted, confused.

-That’s a defence mechanism.

-And also – he continued – Why would he even think that?!

Alex raised an eyebrow as if he was wondering if Elliot was serious.

-He has his reasons, surely. You know he’s been struggling with this for much longer than you have, and you’ve known him for two weeks. He must have something on his shoulders you don’t know about. Besides, I’m saying that I get him, not that I agree. If you want my personal opinion on this fuckery, it’s such a shame to see you two throw all of this away – he said, before taking a deep breath – You’ve got to catch it before it falls, Elliot. It’s not something you wanna see shattered.

He must have felt insanely proud of his choice of words, because he entered the building leaving him outside by himself. And those were nice words, but what did they mean? How could he catch it? And could he afford to? He took a deep breath, making his way into the building and into the bathroom. Shattered… Everything was already shattered for him, Leo shattered everything he thought he knew. And even if there were things he didn’t know about Leo, and even if he had some experiences that could justify his opinion of Elliot, well Elliot had no business with them.

Soon after they all found each other in the main room for the day’s task, he was sitting next to Alex and Cadhla, staring at his blank piece of paper. So what was he ashamed of?

-In the name of Jesus Christ – muttered Cadhla – What do I write?

-Be ashamed of your accent – joked Alex.

-And you be ashamed of your ridiculously large trousers.

-I’m just skinny – Alex gasped, and Elliot couldn’t hold back a smile.

-And you be ashamed of being so feckin gay you were pastel polo shirts – Cadhla hissed at him.

-And of rubbing your wealth in our faces – Alex continued. Elliot huffed.

-I don’t do that – he answered, without adding anything else. He shifted on the bench. Philip wasn’t going to read those papers, he could actually write something for himself. But he didn’t want to write something he was ashamed of. If Philip really wasn’t going to read those papers he was going to write something he wanted to shout the world. His pencil dragged on the paper as he looked around the room. Philip wasn’t there, but Richard was enough to make them uncomfortable. He was writing what looked like a poem on that paper. Elliot was insanely curious, but he couldn’t read it, of course, and even asking him seemed impossible. Angela and Rose were also writing a lot, but most people looked just as confused as he was. His eyes trailed on Leo naturally, and there they laid, admiring his profile. The shape of his nose, pointy and maybe a bit small, and his lips, his perfect pink lips that had rested over his own. The single memory was enough to make him feel the chills.

-How are you feeling? – Alex asked him, and he shrugged, without moving his eyes from Leo.

-Bad – he whispered without thinking.

-Maybe you should write how you’re feeling – Alex offered – Just… not to burn a piece of white paper.

Elliot looked at the paper before writing “bad” in cursive. Just that single word, that was a sum up of his experience. Well… that wasn’t totally accurate. It sure had its down moments, God, so many of them, but it had so many ups as well. Even not counting the day before, they had had so much fun on Friday, and just talking about books at the table, and just being in his presence. He crossed the word bad out absentmindedly, as he thought more about those weeks. And he only wanted to write Leo’s name, but somehow he couldn’t. Because it wasn’t really all about Leo, was it? He scribbled a light sentence on the paper, and crossed that right off.

They had been there for minutes, and nothing was coming out of his pencil. Alex had already closed his paper and Cadhla was scribbling something. He eyed Leo, and he also looked like he was finished with the paper boat he decided to make instead of writing anything. What could he write, what was he ashamed of? What had those weeks been to him? They had been bad, long and yet terribly short. He wrote down the words and didn’t dare to read them as he folded the sheet of paper in half. He maybe did that a bit louder than intended, because it lured Alex and Cadhla’s eyes on him. He ignored them as he folded the paper as much as we was able to. He looked back up and met Leo’s eyes, and his heart skipped a beat. As soon as he saw him, Leo looked away.

\---

The smoke rising from the small mountain of papers smelled familiar, like when they used to burn sticks in one of the fields close to home. And as he thought it also was somehow reminiscent of a pagan ritual, but what wasn’t there? They were all praying together around the papers, making the most of a moment of pause between the rain, and soon Philip dived in a stupid monologue about how the crackling fire in front of them was how their now purified soul should feel.

Of course, Elliot was spacing out completely. Some thoughts were starting to make way in his mind, as the day went on his memory cleared and he remembered every word. What he said the day before… he couldn’t be gay, and he especially couldn’t be with him. What was he going to say to Leo when he was the first to know exactly what Leo was avoiding and why? He knew Leo was right, there couldn’t be a “we”, they were not even going to see each other after that. And Elliot… he couldn’t be gay. It was kind of funny how his family got there before he did, but they were right. And was he going to be able to pretend to be straight forever? God, how could he… He wasn’t going to be the man who went around having affairs behind his wife’s back. He didn’t want a wife, he only wanted Leo.

He only wanted Leo…

He didn’t care about how wrong it was. It wasn’t even wrong. “Cocoon of internalized homophobia”, Leo said before, and that was a surprisingly accurate analysis of what he was feeling right now. He still felt like he had wrong feelings, but it was very faint, like a sore back the day after hours of studying. He was more affected by the fact that he couldn’t act on them. He looked at Leo, as he usually did, and he saw him staring at the smoke. Something in his expression was forlorn, and he only wanted to wipe that away from his face.

Lunch came soon after, with nothing eventful happening, followed by the usual bible study and reflection hour. And once everything was over he just couldn’t wait. The hours were ticking away, and every second he didn’t spend with Leo was a wasted one. A soon as they were out of the dining room he caught Leo by an arm and saw him jump.

-What the fuck you scared me! – he exclaimed, turning around. Joanne, whom he was talking to, seemed to understand what was going on immediately, and she walked away without letting Leo even call her.

-I need to talk to you – Elliot said, with all the determination he was capable of. Leo squinted.

-What do you want to talk about?

-Rag dolls and cats – he answered, rolling his eyes – What do you think I wanna talk about?

-I don’t wanna talk about it – Leo replied, struggling to free himself from Elliot’s grasp. But Elliot just tightened his grip on his arm and pulled him closer.

-What if I said I wanna have sex with you – he said, trying to fight the blush he felt creeping up from his neck – Right now.

Leo gaped for a moment, and Elliot let him go. He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear composing himself.

-You expect me to believe you? – he asked, but there was a shadow of uncertainty.

-Let’s say I do – he insisted.

-You don’t want to do it – Leo shook his head with a half-smile. That wasn’t completely true, but it was true that he didn’t want to do it in that exact moment.

-No I don’t – he admitted – But I need to talk to you.

-Go bother Alex with your sexuality problems – Leo said, but he still didn’t move.

-Are you gonna tell me to forget yesterday too?

Leo was taken aback, and he closed his eyes for a second before looking around to see if they were alone. They were.

-We can’t talk here – he whispered, before looking back to the church – Come.

He grabbed him by the arm and dragged him behind as they entered the church. He was so strong for someone his size. Elliot started feeling his heart race, just by the grip of Leo’s fingers on his arm. He guided him behind the choir, and under the stairs that lead to the isolation room. Well they wouldn’t have been disturbed there, but he wasn’t really comfortable in talking about relationships there. Still, they got in front of the room, and Leo took a key from the hook on the wall. He opened the door without hesitation and dragged Elliot in before closing behind them. He looked at Elliot, eyes full of challenge. They stood in silence for a couple seconds.

-So, are we talking?

-Er… yes – said Elliot, clearing his throat – So…

-So – Leo repeated – You wanna shatter me completely?

-Sh… No, I would never – he answered, shaking his head. He collected himself and took a deep breath before talking again – Why are you avoiding me?

-I really don’t want to talk to you today, is it a problem? – Leo snapped – Am I required to talk to you?

-You… - Elliot began – You can’t just do the things you did and leave me like that!

-It’s not my fault you idealize what we have – Leo answered, so dry and angry it made Elliot livid – I said it before, it’s nothing personal.

At that point, Elliot interrupted him.

-I know your “history” – he said – And I’m not gonna be a tack on your wall.

Leo blinked twice and then he gave a breathy laugh.

-So even you know I’m a whore – he whispered – Then what makes you think you’re different?

-I am different!

He had exclaimed it with so much confidence that he almost believed it himself.

-Just because you’re a spoiled rich arsehole you think you have a right to me?

-How do you even take that from what I told you! – Elliot exclaimed.

-Do you think you’re the only person who’s tried to get to know me? – Leo continued – The only one who “wanted more out of this”?

-No! I mean, in a way- I just… I might be dense, but at this point even I realize it’s useless to deny… whatever this is.

-This is nothing.

-You literally said you liked me yesterday!

-I was drunk, Elliot – Leo observed – You can’t get me drunk and take my word for good.

-I’m getting really tired of this – Elliot scoffed – I know you like me, so stop acting like a whiny brat and let’s get this done with!

Leo looked at him, blinking a couple of times, and then turned around, whining loudly.

-Why is it so hard with you… – he whimpered, and he turned back around – So what if you’re different? What if I like you? It’s not like we’re gonna be boyfriends anyway.

-Well this isn’t all your choice to make – he observed.

-It is though – Leo answered – And we’re not. You don’t wanna be my boyfriend.

-Why do you think that? – he asked, starting to feel a fuse blowing from the tone that Leo was keeping up.

-Because you can’t be with me! – Leo exclaimed – Because you can’t be gay! And you can’t be with me, because you’re… you!

-I most certainly am – he answered, shaking his head confused – And I… I like you!

-Elliot, darling – Leo murmured, condescending – You must realize this is all a mistake.

-It doesn’t feel like one.

-I’m no one, Elliot! I’m meant to be left alone! I’m broke, I live off the fucking mercy of a bunch of nuns, I’m already in trouble with the law, I don’t have a future, the most I’ll ever be is a number in the census! And you are… - he hesitated, gesticulating vaguely in his direction – Smart, and rich, and beautiful, always well dressed and elegant and basically perfect. You’re the bloody poster child of perfect people. And I fell for you. Like the nerd that falls for the popular boy. I fell like an idiot, like I didn’t know I was setting myself up for this!

Elliot walked forward and grabbed him by the wrists, stopping him from talking.

-Do you not even care about what I think? – he asked, and Leo struggled for a moment, shaking his head. The he stopped and took a deep breath.

-Fine. What do you think?

-I… to use your words, I fell for you – he whispered – Hard. And I don’t care where you’re from and what you’ve done and what you think you’ll do because I like you.

-Even if you did – Leo said, not struggling anymore – How about the fact that we’ll never see each other again?

That shut him up, and he left his wrists. Leo let his arms fall down, but he still didn’t run away.

-Do you get it now? – he asked – This is a mistake. If you wanna have sex with me, I swear that nothing would delight me more, but don’t make this hurt more than it already does.

Elliot was confused, but he wasn’t letting it go. Leo was right on all accounts, well, almost, but he hadn’t considered the simple fact that he wanted to be with him, and he wasn’t gonna let him have this so easily.

-If we’re ever to have sex – he said, surprising himself in his own forwardness – I want it to be in a bed with rose’s petals.

-O my God Elliot…

-I’m not letting this fall – he insisted – I’m not, Leo.

-Please just do it! – Leo begged him, tears at the corners of his eyes – If you cared about me you’d just let it fall.

-I’m… I really like you – Elliot repeated – And I’m so confused, but I know that you’re too important to let you get away from me without even trying to keep you close.

Leo didn’t answer, and a million emotions passed over his eyes, barely covered by the thick glasses. He saw worry, surprise, and what looked like hope. In the end, his expression settled in the usual wistful look he kept when they were alone. He smiled weakly, and he rested his head on Elliot’s chest. Elliot was paralyzed, the sheer contact with Leo enough to give him goose bumps.

-How do you… - he began, his voice quivering – I never felt like this before. I’m so scared.

Elliot wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer, feeling Leo’s heartbeat racing, his nose filled with the scent of Leo’s shampoo and some pine, and smoke. He maybe had pine needles in his hair, it wasn’t impossible. His own heart was pounding, but he hoped Leo didn’t care.

-We’ll figure it out – he said, burying his nose in Leo’s hair.

-How? – Leo asked, parting from Elliot’s chest – This is our last day together.

-I don’t know – he shook his head, before cupping Leo’s cheek.

Leo stretched upwards and kissed him, and Elliot immediately answered, embracing him tighter. His heart turned inside out. It was sensational, still, he knew it didn’t matter how many times he did that, he was not gonna get used to it. And the mere thought that he wasted so much time kissing girls, no matter how nice they were, made him go crazy. How could he ever stop doing that? And he knew, he just knew nothing was ever gonna feel like Leo felt, and smelled, and tasted. He tasted… good, sweet, his fingers digging on his shoulders were like a drug. They broke the kiss, but Elliot immediately pressed their lips together for a brief second. He couldn’t in any way let this fall.

-Run away with me – he panted, leaving another small kiss on his lips. Leo chuckled.

-You’re going home tomorrow – he answered, stroking his hair – We can’t run away.

-I don’t wanna go home – he said, shaking his head – I wanna stay with you.

-Elliot…

Elliot took Leo’s glasses off and kissed him again. It was just so good, how could he stop doing it. He pulled him closer, and his whole body was on fire. He parted from Leo and cleared his throat, and Leo smirked, pressing harder against him so that their crotches were pressed together. Elliot took a sharp breath.

-You sure you don’t wanna have sex with me?

-Not now – he answered, trying his best to control his hormones – Bed with rose’s petals.

-But we don’t have it here – Leo observed – Here we have a closet and a desk.

-And that’s why I’m not doing that here – Elliot explained, and Leo’s eyes darkened.

-We’re not having other chances – Leo reminded him – It’s the last we have together.

Elliot grabbed his shoulders. It really was true, how they say one falls in love: slowly, and then all at once. And he had hit the “all at once” at that point, and he couldn’t even believe what he was feeling in that moment. He didn’t know what he was about to say, his heart was racing, his thoughts were scrambled, and yet in the depths of his chest he knew he wasn’t gonna leave Leo. It wasn’t possible that the universe had set them up only to break them apart.

-Listen – he said, and Leo quickly changed his expression in a confused, but alert one – This can’t be the last of us. We’re keeping this up.

-How? – Leo asked, but it wasn’t how he said it before, desperate and rhetoric. He was actually asking, and it was enough to make Elliot absolutely certain that he couldn’t give Leo up.

-I’m gonna run away – he repeated, saying words as soon as they formed in his brain – We’re gonna run away.

-Right now? – Leo asked with a smirk. He wasn’t serious.

-I’m serious Leo – he said, and Leo suddenly furrowed his brows.

-Give me back my glasses then – he said. Elliot nodded and gave him the glasses back. Leo put them on and fixed his hair – So, about our elopement?

-When are you going away? – he asked, heart racing.

-Sunday morning, it seems, probably right at the end of mass. They’re sending me a driver, I should be flattered, but I think it’s because they don’t trust me taking the bus.

-Don’t go – he said – I’ll pick you up.

Leo blinked a couple of times.

-You’ll hear my car. Just come with me.

-Elliot, even if we feel… - Leo said, hesitating. He understood it, it was silly to say that after they’d known each other for such a short time – This is crazy. We can’t actually elope.

-Why not? – Elliot insisted – We’re both nineteen, we’re legal adults. My parents are not going to be happy if I live as I want to, and I was gonna live in Oxford by myself anyway this year. What ties you to London?

Leo didn’t answer immediately, and Elliot clearly saw the tears that he’d seen before come back.

-It’s extreme – he said, and suddenly all of his doubts swarmed in his head, he was an idiot to think Leo liked him that much, that he’d be on board with that – And I’d rather do everything normally…

-Why do you care so much about me? – Leo asked in no more than a whisper. He started giggling and covered his face with a hand, taking deep breaths – You’ve known me for two weeks, I’m the first man you ever had a crush on, why are you going so far?

God, he knew it. He was too forward, he went too far.

-Sorry – he said, taking a step back – That crossed the line.

-No – Leo answered, shaking his head – I just wanna know, why me?

-I told you already – he sighed, confused – Twice.

-Sure – Leo scoffed – My city charm and my intellect. I’m being serious.

-Because you’re smart – he repeated – And charming, and witty, and so pretty. And I love being with you, because it feels like I don’t need to filter anything when I’m with you, because you never do that with me. And… I don’t know, okay? But you don’t have to feel the same – he clarified.

-No, I do – Leo said – I fancied people in my life, and this doesn’t feel that way. But you haven’t.

-I want to be with you – Elliot answered, throwing to the wind any inhibition he might have kept up until that moment – Because I know that nothing in my life ever felt like this. And I will do everything in my power to keep this from falling.

He was nauseous at his own words, and terrified at their sincerity.

-I’ll do it – Leo whispered.

-What?

-I’ll come with you.

Elliot blinked, and slowly took Leo’s face in his hands.

-Can I kiss you? – he whispered, and Leo chuckled.

-Please do.

It was a tender kiss, the most tender one they’d shared yet. It was soft and sweet, and they parted pretty soon. Leo was smiling.

-You asked before giving me that kiss? – he joked – Guess you’re not kinky.

-Shut it.

-When are you coming to take me?

-Late morning – said Elliot – It’s about two hours from home, I’ll be here before noon if I start preparing on Saturday.

-Philip’s not gonna be happy about it…

-Since when do you care about Philip?

-Elliot – Leo sighed – Tell me for real now. Are you actually doing this?

-I am – he said – How could I ever kiss a woman after this?

He hadn’t planned on saying that, and he immediately bit his lip after those words, which were followed by a grin on Leo’s part. The grin melted into a smile, as he took Elliot’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Elliot felt chills running down his spine.

-I know what you mean.

-Are you gonna come with me? – Elliot asked. Leo got closer to him and nodded.

-I am.

His mind blanked, and he nodded, tightening his grip on Leo’s hands.

-So… what now? – he whispered.

-Now you’re my boyfriend, I suppose.

Elliot nodded again, and Leo chuckled.

-I feel like a bloody twelve-year-old…

-Shut up – Elliot said, leaving his hand – We should go back, we don’t wanna be found like this.

Leo agreed and they started walking upstairs.

-So… - Leo said, clearing his throat one they were back in the empty church – I’d keep it down, you know, with the others.

Elliot turned to him, eyes wide.

-Of course! – he exclaimed, but he had a second thought right after a moment – Although… Alex should know, maybe. At least that we’re on good terms.

-Just that though – Leo said, as they walked out in the open.

It was still drizzling, but it was nice, it was chilly and wet and distracting from the general uneasiness that he was feeling. They stopped in front of the church, looking at each other. Elliot was roaring with happiness, but he still had to really settle in the idea of what he did. He was gonna elope. With Leo. And that felt so right he didn’t even realize how stupid it sounded when he actually thought about that. Leo looked so beautiful.

-It’s raining you morons!

They turned together to see a concerned Gregory calling them from the bedrooms. They walked over there, Elliot was still confused but he realized that if he stopped to think about it he would have had second thoughts about eloping with Leo. So stupid. Then why did he really want to do it?

-You look radiant, Leo – Greg said with an uncertain look in his eyes – Way too much for being under the rain until now.

-I like rain – Leo shrugged – Reminds me of London.

Elliot didn’t answer, deciding to shove his hands in his pockets instead.

-I think I’ll take a shower – he whispered, and Gregory looked at him even more confused.

-You took a shower this morning.

-Yeah but… I wanna take another one. You know the… smoke. And rain.

-Are you okay? You don’t look so good…

-He’s perfectly fine – Leo smiled – I just murdered him in a conversation about Lady Chatterley.

-You so didn’t – Elliot retorted immediately, as if they actually had that conversation. Leo clicked his tongue and shook his head.

-He wants to wash away the humiliation.

-Fuck you Leo.

-Ask me nicely.

-You’re both fine – Greg rolled his eyes and walked in the bedroom, leaving them alone in the entrance. Leo took a deep breath.

-You dimwit, a shower? – Leo hissed – Really?

-I’m really gonna take a shower – Elliot replied, shrugging – I feel like one.

-I bet you do – the other giggled – You get hard with nothing, you must search for relief.

Elliot blushed so hard he was sure you could cook an egg on his cheeks.

-Fuck you – he repeated, walking to the bedroom. Leo followed him almost skipping, like every weigh that had been holding him down for those weeks wasn’t there anymore.

-I won’t if you keep asking me like that – he answered, as Elliot walked in the room – Just try and be seductive.

He turned around and took a step in Leo’s direction, so that he was barely ten centimetres from him. He lowered his face until he was so close to Leo that he could clearly feel his breath on his lips, and he had to physically restrain himself from leaning just forward enough.

-Just because it’s you I could actually let you… have the whole meal – Leo whispered, so enticing he had to stop himself from shivering. God, he hoped Richard wasn’t in the room. He heard whistles from someone in the room, and although they sounded as far as the mountains they sounded like Adam and Gregory.

-You couldn’t handle me.

The whistles turned into impressed laughs, and a rush of confidence ran in his chest. He smiled and raised his face, basking in Leo’s stunned expression. He knew he had a comeback, he always did, but it was stuck on the tip of his tongue, frozen by the sudden shift of control. Elliot went back to his bed and picked a clean t-shirt up.

-You should have been together – Adam said, shaking his head – You’re perfect for each other.

Elliot shrugged nonchalantly and walked out of the room. Once out he let out a deep breath he had been holding. He practically ran to the showers, he had to alone and unheard in that moment. Something happened. No, that was wrong, so much happened. He let the water run down on his body, trying to make sense of the afternoon. Leo liked him. Hell, Leo basically told him he “felt something more” for him. He kissed him, he let himself be kissed, and he was glad he was able to fled Leo’s doubts. How could he even think that he wasn’t gonna be into him because he was broke… Was that how he came off? He liked Leo more than he could understand, and at that point he pushed that relationship so far that he couldn’t back up. He said he was gonna elope with him.

He had to run away from home. The idea was terrifying, but so was the idea of living in that house, knowing that nobody would ever accept him for who he was, knowing he would have led a life pretending. He would have had a sham marriage. A fucking sham marriage like in the movies. He couldn’t let that be his real life, but he wasn’t sure if running away was the right way to tackle the matter. And yet he was sure, he intimately knew that it was the right choice. The only choice. He had to be with Leo.

He heard two knocks on the shower door and he flinched.

-I’m here – he said, not shouting but loud enough for anyone to hear him.

-I know you are love – Leo chuckled – Want some company?

-No thanks – Elliot answered, clearing his throat loudly. God, just that idea made him… Fuzzy inside. And also turned on.

-No? – Leo whimpered – I really want to though…

-Why don’t you go wank somewhere else? – he asked, desperately trying to think bad thoughts, sad thoughts, to turn his situation off.

-You’re such a killjoy… - Leo sighed, walking away.

-Are you alone? – Elliot suddenly asked. Leo must have thought he caved, because he heard him walk back and lean on the wooden door of the shower stall.

-I am – he answered simply.

-Then you remember what I promised you.

Leo scoffed loudly. Elliot saw his feet, shoes still on, under the door.

-Listen Elliot – he began – If that doesn’t go through… We just never got to do anything for a stupid promise?

-Precisely.

-Then you really must not like me…

Elliot turned the shower off and covered himself with a towel to hide what was now a pretty noticeable situation. Leo’s feet shifted back and forth, excited. He opened the door to see him, and his grin faded in a disappointed look when he saw Elliot. It was unbelievably cute, and Elliot couldn’t help but feel the sudden urge to kiss him. He held back though, he couldn’t show that much affection, it would have been too hard of a blow for his reputation.

-I like you – he sighed – And that’s why I’m not gonna take your virginity in a shower stall.

Besides, although the idea of making love with Leo was chilling and amazing, he was scared as hell. He’d never done something like that before, and his only experience was porn, which is not what you wanna look at when you have to actually have sex with someone. Maybe even more if the matter was having gay sex for the very first time.

-I’d hardly call myself a virgin.

-Still – Elliot shrugged. He tried to take a step forward to get out of the stall but Leo’s hand on his chest stopped him, pushing him back on his feet. Elliot backed down until his back was against the wall, the warmth and shape of Leo’s hand on his chest making him catch his breath, not wanting to push him away. Leo closed the door behind them and leaned forward, sultry eyes locked in his.

-Why is it so hard with you… - he whispered, quoting himself from earlier, sliding his hand from the middle of his chest to his waist.

-You’re gonna get your shoes wet – Elliot protested weakly, as Leo kept caressing his body – They’re gonna see us…

-They’re not – Leo said, kissing his chest. Elliot could only hope he didn’t hear his heart pounding.

-You know they could – Elliot said, pushing him slightly away. If Leo didn’t care to get wet, he was not gonna care if he wet him.

-So many excuses – Leo purred – I almost think you’re not attracted to me.

That was comically wrong, Elliot thought repressing his arousal. Unfortunately, he felt Leo’s hand slide down close to his towel. He grabbed his wrist to stop him, and Leo gave him a frustrated expression and sigh.

-Let me have something to remember you by!

-You won’t have to remember me by anything – Elliot corrected him – We’re doing that.

-Just tell me – Leo sighed – Why you don’t want to do it? I’m horny, you’re horny too, we’re here and you’re almost naked.

-Because we’re in a shower stall!

-You’ve never done it in a weird place? No actually scratch that – he decided – Of course you haven’t.

-Yeah well I haven’t – he answered anyway. He looked in Leo’s eyes and saw a mix of annoyance and hope. And that really sent something in his blood, something it shouldn’t have sent. He placed a kiss on his lips, and that mind-shattering feeling of being able to kiss Leo took over his whole body. He pressed him closer, knowing that Leo was gonna feel his excitement. And Leo did. His hand was warm and firm, and it sent chills down his spine. He bit Leo’s lip and held him closer. He had realized early on that his attraction to Leo wasn’t purely intellectual, and not even only romantic, but just his fingers on him even through the fabric of the towel made him short of breath and that wasn’t acceptable.

-Stop – he whispered – God, stop. Stop.

Leo moaned against his lips but obeyed, albeit reluctantly.

-You don’t like it? – he asked. Elliot rolled his eyes.

-It’s just not a good place – he panted. He really wanted to, so much, but the thought that Richard could burst in that room and see them together in the same shower stall… He really didn’t need it.

-I should have done it downstairs – Leo sighed, kissing him. Well he would have refused downstairs too, actually, having sex in the isolation room was… an exciting idea. No, it was unadvisable and risky – Are you gonna be hard for the rest of the day?

-Not if you leave me alone – he answered before thinking.

-Oh so you’ll wank by yourself instead of letting me do it? You know we would already be done if you just said yes.

He was right. And although he hated the idea of letting Leo win, it’s not like he actually didn’t want to do it. He was just not really into the idea of doing it basically in public. But maybe he could let loose, just once. Just this once. When Leo noticed he wasn’t answering he grinned and slid his hand under the towel. It was fire in his veins, he moved a hand down to his waist and held him closer, closer, and still not close enough. Just those dexterous fingers working on him made him lose all and every reason, he didn’t even care that they were in basically in plain view of anyone who wanted to enter. It was so good, every movement a crashing wave of pleasure. They were kissing but he was out of breath, clinging with all his might to Leo’s shoulder and waist, and the other was holding to his shoulder, digging so hard Elliot knew he was gonna have bruises but he didn’t care, he couldn’t care, chasing his release without even being able to think about pleasuring Leo. He broke the kiss, feeling so close, too close, until he couldn’t handle it anymore and finished with a shudder, head in the crook of Leo’s neck. He caught his breath, barely standing, still shaking. It was the most intense orgasm he ever had, and it was from a single hand.

-Oh God… – he muttered, the reality of the situation settling in. It was perfect, it was everything he ever wanted, and in some corner of his mind he was sorry for not reciprocating, but he wanted to believe that they he’d have time to reciprocate in the near future. He felt Leo wipe his hand on the towel, but that was already a mess, and he smiled.

-Was it that bad?

He didn’t answer, still flushed from the intensity of his orgasm and terribly embarrassed from how much he let himself go. It had been weeks since he had an orgasm, and that was a really impressive one to break the streak.

-I suppose you really are gay then – Leo said, giving him a playful peck on the lips. Elliot rolled his eyes.

-Do you have on off switch or are just a permanent little shit?

Leo grinned.

-Perfect – he said, pushing Leo away – Look at you, you’re soaked.

-I am – Leo agreed, looking down at his drenched t-shirt – I’ll just say you pushed me or something.

It wasn’t a good excuse, but it was his fault for caving in his own desire.

-You really need to go back, they’ll suspect even more – he sighed.

-If they don’t suspect now, they never will – Leo shrugged, but he didn’t complain and left the shower stall with a smile. That had been… perfect. Never had he ever felt something like that before, just a pleasure so intense to actually make his bones shudder. And from Leo’s hand, no more. Again, he knew he liked Leo and he understood that the attraction was physical, but that was eye-opening, how good it felt, he couldn’t help but remember his fairly disappointing past experiences. Or maybe it was just because it was Leo. Oh that was gonna be so good when they… He shook his head, pushing those thoughts away for the moment, and took off his now completely ruined towel. He turned the shower back on, and he let the water run over him and the cloth, washing everything away.

When he got out of the shower his skin was wrinkly, but his head much clearer. He still hadn’t washed the bliss away, but he hoped he didn’t look too stupid. He looked at himself in the mirror. No, that wasn’t too bad. He dried himself off with one of the clean towels in the bathroom, and left the soaked one on the door of the stall. He walked back to the room, somehow curious to see what Leo had told the others to justify the water. He got in and saw Leo changed, chatting with Adam and Gregory. Richard was luckily nowhere in sight. When Leo saw him he smirked.

-There you are – he said, arms crossed on his chest – I can’t imagine in what conditions your towel is.

-Dreadful – he answered, holding a smile back. He locked eyes with Leo, and something clicked. Again. And it was right.

-Well deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh oh oh, I ended up being late. Anyway, here we are, our boys are finally communicating! Who knew that to fix complicated relationhip you've got to talk. God I spent so long editing this chapter I basically rewrote their whole conversation like five times, hope the result was worth the slightly longer wait... Also, I'm afraid the shower scene isn't really necessary or well written (it's the first time I'm posting sorta smut so I'm sorry in advance), but I wanted to give Leo a win. Well, now we really don't have much left, I'll hold my final thoughts for the ending. See you next time!


	14. Saturday 2

Breakfast was unusually quiet, without the usual buzz. There was some tension, and some melancholy fogging the room. It was absurd, if anyone asked him the week before whether he was gonna feel sad, nervous about leaving that torture chamber he would have laughed in their face. But there he was, and he was terrified. But he wasn’t the only one looking worried. In some twisted way being in that cursed corner of the world gave them the freedom to be themselves. They were there to change, but to change you have to embrace what you are, and going away from there meant that they no longer had permission to be themselves, they had to go back into hiding, pretending, faking. And maybe, in a small part, the bonds they formed there were strong enough to make them wish they could stay together. Elliot knew he wasn’t going to forget Alex, Cadhla, or Joanne. And… well, Leo.

-You look so gloomy – said Joanne, elbowing him – Cheer up, you’re leaving this trap in a few hours’ time.

He forced a small smile, and nodded, unable to restrain his eyes from wondering over a chipper Leo. He didn’t look uneasy at all at first glance, but he had that usual wistful look in his eyes, he saw it flash behind his glasses.

-Don’t regret it too much – she whispered – It couldn’t go anywhere.

All the anxiety he was sporadically feeling pooled in his stomach in a moment. He made plans for it to go somewhere, but those were hardly “plans” and more like completely unattainable teenage dreams. It was the only way they could do it, the only way to not regret it. And if for any reason it didn’t work out in the end, he could still look in the mirror and know that he tried everything in his power to have it.

-This place couldn’t have done a worst job on me – he said, surprising even himself with how careless he sounded. Joanne smiled and patted his shoulder.

-At least you know.

At least he knew. He sighed, looking away from Leo and into his plate.

-When are you going? – he asked.

-Sometime this afternoon. You too, right?

He nodded. He knew the program, they were gonna have a celebratory last church service, lunch and then someone would have come to pick him up and bring him back home.

-My darlings – Philip greeted them, and they got even quieter as they waited to hear the orders – This is almost where we part. Some of you are going to leave even before lunch.

He turned to Angela with the most sickeningly proud smile. Why was he trying to be dramatic, they all knew she was going first because of how pleased her parents were with the results of the camp.

-And almost all of you are going to leave today.

Except for Leo, who had to wait another day. Elliot wasn’t sure why, Leo told him it was something about the driver’s fee, but it sure was convenient for their scheme. The thought that they had so few hours together before having to set afoot that absolute madness was anxiety inducing.

-I hoped you packed your bags yesterday afternoon, but remember that we’re now going to have our church service, graciously accompanied by Elliot’s organ.

Of course. They hadn’t talked about it, but of course. He nodded.

-And after that we’re having lunch, our last one together.

That checked out. Nobody complained, and Philip looked sufficiently satisfied. According to plan he now should have gone and called someone up to humiliate them, and it was either Leo’s or his turn, based on simple exclusion. But he looked around one last time and got up. He had something in mind, for sure, he wasn’t gonna let them go like that. Elliot instinctively looked at Leo, even before asking Joanne, which was the most logical option. Leo furrowed his brows, answering to his confused look with an annoyed one. They all got up and he immediately reached him. It was almost disgusting how fast they ran to each other.

-What was that? – he asked, ignoring if anyone looked. Leo scoffed.

-He wants to do the circle again – Leo explained, spitting the words out like they were poison. Elliot widened his eyes in surprise.

-The circle? From the first day? Does he expect anyone to say “no I’m not gay anymore”?

Leo giggled, and for a second his heart fluttered.

-That’s precisely what he expects.

Elliot huffed as they entered the bedroom building.

-The circle? – Adam said from next to them – Really?

-Apparently – Leo sighed – He already did it once. And this means he either really likes us or really, and I mean really dislikes us.

-I’m afraid he doesn’t like us – Adam commented. Still, not many chances to avoid it. They got into the bedroom, and Elliot sat on his bed waiting for Leo and Adam to be done in the bathroom. He didn’t even realize he was with Richard until he was left alone with him. Well that wasn’t great.

He had avoided a direct confrontation with Richard, it was too risky, it could have ended badly because Richard was not the type of person to be nice about happened. But it was the end, and if everything with Leo was gonna go as planned, maybe he could have made the effort to actually apologize to him.

-I didn’t mean to actually hurt you – he whispered. He wasn’t sure if Richard heard him, but he said it for the sole reason of not feeling guilty anymore.

-Are you sure about that? – Richard answered, and Elliot was immediately annoyed.

-Of course I am!

-It seemed to me that you were pretty offended.

-Because you said those things!

-If I called Gregory a cunt would you have done it?

Elliot tensed up on the bed. Of course, there’s where that was going. He didn’t immediately answer.

-Seriously, Leo? – he continued, and Elliot finally looked at him. He looked so familiarly disappointed that he had the urge to apologise for a flash of a second – Even if you wanna cave in this perversion, he’s not enough for you.

Again. What was this insistence of being worthy of him? Was he a Disney princess or something?

-Why wouldn’t he be?

He didn’t even register the fact that he actually asked Richard such a thing. Richard looked at him, bewildered, but before he could answer the door opened on them, and Leo and Adam got inside without giving them a second look. Elliot turned away from Richard and got up, to have his turn in the bathroom, but he unfortunately crossed Leo’s eyes, and Leo immediately read something wrong in him.

-Are you okay? – he asked, much more sincere than he ever sounded in front of people besides him. He shrugged.

-Fine – he answered, and he got out of the room. He wished he could kiss Leo and flip Richard off. And why did Richard even care so much about whom he though Elliot liked? Wasn’t it something only he and that someone should be concerned about?

\---

The mass wasn’t too bad, the fact that they were alone was embarrassing but Elliot was back in the choir, so he didn’t feel the pressure as much as the others. He didn’t play with Leo quite as much as he did on Sunday, knowing that Philip was probably looking at him, and he was starting to feel actually nauseous. Every moment, every note he was playing was a second closer to being apart from him, and the more time passed the more unrealistic his idea seemed. He was gonna run away from home, trying to live by himself with someone he barely knew with money he had to learn how to earn. What if they weren’t as made for each other as he thought they were? He looked at Leo, lips pursed and eyes bored. Well, he sure really liked him.

Once they were finished and Philip went back to change from his robes, Elliot was about to jump off from the bench but he saw Leo walk over to him and he stopped himself. He really didn’t care about being seen at that point, and not even Elliot truly cared.

-Move over – he said, and Elliot immediately complied, letting Leo sit next to him, on the wrong side. Leo played a couple of notes, and Elliot had a second to overview the others, none of whom was being attentive to them, before Leo spoke again.

-What did Richard tell you? – he inquired.

-He accused me of liking you. Again – he sighed. Leo smiled weakly.

-How dare he – he teased him, and Elliot kicked him lightly under the organ.

-I don’t need to like you to defend you – he observed, and Leo nodded. Not that he didn’t like Leo, he did, so much, but he wanted to believe he was enough of a good person to act like that anyway. Leo looked down at the ivories.

-You’re really coming tomorrow, are you?

Elliot gently touched his hand over the keyboard, knowing that nobody was seeing them, covered as they were by the rest of the organ. He held it down, interlacing their fingers together.

-I am.

Leo caressed Elliot’s hand before jumping off the bench again.

-Come on, we need to check who won the bet.

The bet? The bet, sure. Those last days he hadn’t paid much attention to Greg and Adam’s antics, they were still great friends but he hadn’t seen any kind of tension, none of the tension he felt between himself and Leo. He followed him to the benches, where Gregory and Adam were chatting, and Leo rested his hand on Greg’s shoulder.

-So… - he began, attracting the attention of the two – Elliot and I were just talking, and we were thinking… Did you two ever shag in these weeks?

Adam blushed hard, and Gregory burst out laughing. Elliot grinned for a second.

-Wow – he said, while Adam recomposed himself – No we didn’t. You know you can be queer and not sleep with your friends?

Leo huffed, ignoring the last part of the sentence, and Elliot patted his shoulder patronizingly.

-Do you know that Leo? – he teased him. He looked back at Gregory and Adam – Excuse him, he’s insensitive.

-Okay you won – Leo scoffed – So what? We hadn’t even decided what.

Adam squinted.

-You bet on our relationship?

-Innocent bet – Leo defended them, putting his hands up – Just a dinner.

-How long ago?!

-Like… - Leo turned around to Elliot – Wednesday? Last week. I’m disappointed in you, though, I rarely get these things wrong…

Greg seemed about to protest, but they were interrupted by the entrance of Philip in the church, and Leo caught his breath. Since the day before he looked at Philip like he was frightened by him.

-So, my young lambs – Philip began – Why don’t we all take a chair and make a circle.

Evidently Leo’s deduction that the circle was upon them had rapidly spread, because nobody seemed surprised as much as they seemed annoyed by it. Still, they took the chairs from the choir and vestry and made the circle, where they sat down in basically the same positions of the first day. Philip looked at them all.

-I’d love to go around and ask you all what you’ve learned in this experience – he began, and Richard, who was sitting next to him, took a deep breath – But I’m afraid I won’t.

Elliot furrowed his brows, confused.

-I want to concentrate on my failures.

Leo tensed up next to him.

-Because failures are what you have to accept to move forward. And I’m sure all of you thought very much about your failures, and I thought about mine. But I want to know if anything, anything me and God tried to do had any effect. So Leo, would you stand up please?

Leo instantly stood up, arms crossed, and Elliot knew it wasn’t a good sign, but Philip didn’t seem to notice how weird it was.

-I want to say I’m sorry – he sighed – For not curing you.

The tension was palpable, Leo had all his weigh on his right leg, and he was facing straight at the priest, giving Elliot a pleasing yet inappropriate view. He was about to explode, everyone knew it, except for seemingly Philip. Leo remained absolutely quiet, and Philip continued talking.

-But I’m sure that you do regret something.

Leo moved his hands from crossed on his chest into his back pockets, and now Elliot was sure he was doing it on purpose. Philip waited for an answer and Leo shrugged.

-You know you could stop bullying me, right? I’m gonna be a weigh off your shoulders very soon.

Philip flinched and sighed.

-I just wanna know if you are even barely repentant of something.

Leo looked at the ceiling of the church, turning slightly sideways. There were a couple seconds of silence, in which one could physically hear the ticking of the seconds. Finally, Leo sighed, and that sigh, as all could feel, was exactly the moment when he gave up.

-You know what? I do regret some parts of being such a bloody slut.

Philip took a sharp breath, and with him a cover of ice fell on the others in the circle. The priest was stunned, much too stunned to answer. Leo immediately took his chance.

-And since this circle is clearly an exhibition – he continued, looking around – Let’s exhibit. I went with some people this last month, arguably a few too many, but I don’t want to talk about the bad ones, that seems unfair. They all tried, bless them. Let’s talk about the nice ones. Do you remember Nicholas from June? – he asked, looking directly at Philip, a hand on his hip – He had those big, strong hands. I regret not letting him touch me a little more.

If someone had told him that Philip was dead, Elliot would have believed them. But mostly he was distracted by the sudden jealousy that took over him. He tried to calm himself down, he knew what Leo had done and it had nothing to do with him, his past was none of his concern, but it did leave a bitter taste.

-And how about George – Leo basically moaned, acting very taken by the moment – Best head anyone ever gave to me. I regret not reciprocating, but there I ate pudding for supper and I didn’t want to puke on him, you know how it is.

He didn’t have to be so graphic about it, that arsehole. But from behind the jealousy sincere anxiety peeked. What was he saying? He was basically killing himself, and he couldn’t not know it. It was like watching a film, but it was life and Leo was burning himself for the sake of the show.

-And Mark… Oh Mark, he was so huge, almost frightening. Not that I let him do me, of course – he specified, glancing around the frozen circle as if to reassure the others, and maybe, he hoped, to reassure him a bit more than them – But he… he was a mouthful. I regret not letting him finish inside, I’m real picky about that, but if he was one of the few I wouldn’t have minded tasting.

-Shut up! – Philip yelled – Immediately!

-And that was all under your roof – Leo almost shouted to match his tone, ignoring his words and piercing deep in his eyes – Because you’re a charlatan and this is all worthless. And if there is a single thing I don’t regret is not trying to fuck my way out of here, even though I’m positive I could have, because you are a fucking hypocrite, pitiful, egomaniac cunt!

There was complete silence, even Philip was at a loss for words. Leo didn’t look remorseful, he backed up in a more defensive stance, ready to take on the inevitable consequences. Elliot felt the need to get up and run away with Leo instantly, but he couldn’t do it, he was nailed in place by the sheer size of Leo’s outburst. When he seemed to have fully taken in the aftermath of his actions, Leo turned and bowed sarcastically to the whole circle. Nobody even breathed. After the brief bow Leo went behind the choir of his own accord, and Elliot found himself standing up without even realizing it.

-Sit down! – Philip shouted, and he froze. He looked at the door where Leo had just gone – I know you’re on the list.

Well now he was right, but it wasn’t like that. He wasn’t Nicholas or Mark.

-I’m not.

-I’m not an idiot – he hissed and Elliot bit his lip – Sit. Down.

-Sit down Elliot – Leo shouted from the vestry – I still wish you did me.

That caused a fit of giggles from somebody, Elliot wasn’t sure whom, his thought process was mush at that point, but he quietly sat down. He could disobey Philip but not Leo, and he couldn’t risk him endangering any of their position more. The man got up and marched in the vestry, probably to push Leo down in the isolation room. Elliot wished so hard he could go help him, but he knew the others’ eyes were all on him, as if they were asking about that outburst. His heart started to beat faster. So that was it. He couldn’t see Leo until the day after. He couldn’t say goodbye to him.

-So you actually didn’t…?

-Shut up – Elliot interrupted them, head in his hands – Just shut up.

He didn’t even care about denying it, Leo had already been convincing enough but he wasn’t even sure he would have denied it if they asked. He grabbed the edges of his chair.

-Elliot don’t – Alex warned him, but he turned to Joanne. If there was someone who could enable in in that circle, she was that someone. Joanne hesitated for a second, but she finally shook her head and looked down, and Elliot lean back so hard the chair tilted. If he’d fallen it would have been over, no Philip, just hospital and worried family. Maybe a lawsuit for the unsafe church. Not a terrible perspective. But he didn’t fall. Philip came back and shot him a look that burned more than lava.

-Get up – he ordered, and it didn’t warrant any reply. Elliot stood again, his stomach aching for the nervousness.

-Leonard Baskerville desecrated this place – he said, without sitting back in his chair – Do you realize this?

Elliot nodded without looking up.

-Do you excuse him?

-I… don’t – he said, and he felt a sting to his chest. He didn’t excuse what he said, truth be told the thought that Leo had been so… promiscuous was a bit irritating, but it was his choice and he could do whatever he wanted with his mouth.

-And you still want to associate with him – he continued.

-I… - he stuttered, tumbling on the words and only emitting a couple of distressed noises before shutting up. Leo wasn’t his responsibility, Philip only wanted him to feel worse, and it was working.

-And you expect me to believe that you didn’t exploit his services – Philip asked, words poisonous. He didn’t seem to care about Elliot’s missed answer, he was probably gaining enough satisfaction by just treating him that way.

-There was nothing between us – he lied. It was a lie, but he knew that what he meant wasn’t what they had done, so it wasn’t an outright lie. Or at least, that was what Elliot wanted to believe – And I might have my reasons to lie – he continued, hesitant but trying to remain respectful – But he doesn’t.

Philip scrutinized him, and he held his gaze as best as he could.

-Do you regret him?

Elliot squinted, confused. Regret him? He just told him there was nothing between them. Philip seemed to understand the confusion.

-Do you regret your disgusting, enabling behaviour towards him?

Enabling? Like… if he regretted being nice to Leo? That was a stupid question, how could he even answer? He couldn’t make a scene like Leo did, everything in their plan was based on such thin lines, he couldn’t compromise himself. But he couldn’t force himself to lie so much.

-I regret not trying to change his mind more – he answered, carefully. He didn’t want to turn against Leo, but he couldn’t act like he did.

-This is not what I asked – Philip interrupted him – Do you regret your… whatever bond you had with him?

-I don’t – he answered, and seeing Philip almost breathing fire he quickly continued – But I don’t share his ideas or his… choices.

Philip took a deep breath and sat back down on his chair.

-You’re too noble for your own good – he said, gesturing to him to sit back down. Elliot obeyed and sat back down, feeling the emptiness of the chair on his left.

He was shocked, and choked up, and he still wanted to run to Leo, and take him and run as far as they could. But he couldn’t, and he wasn’t gonna see him again. Unless that scheme worked, but how could it work? It had to, it had to work.

-I’m deeply sorry about what just happened – Philip continued – That was… exactly how you don’t wanna be.

He continued talking, but Elliot didn’t really care. It was almost time, he knew it, and the idea of not being with Leo, not having his support was terrifying. After a while he dragged himself over to the dinner room, but he didn’t eat. Why eat, he was gonna be home so soon, too soon, they had probably organized some sort of party.

-I’m so sorry – Cadhla whispered to him, and he banged the fork on the plate, making her flinch. Joanne gave him a less than gentle punch on the ribs.

-It’s not her fault, asshole – she hissed at him, but Elliot didn’t answer to her either. He felt Philip’s gaze on him, and it burned. He was gonna be there the next day. He was. He had to.

It was two o clock, and it was any second before someone was going to pick him up. Angela had already left, and now he was supposed to be saying goodbye to Gregory, who was leaving. He felt Gregory hugging him, patting his back gently.

-Cheer up honey – he whispered – I’ll miss you.

Elliot clicked his tongue.

-You won’t – he answered, letting him go. He watched him go to the car without feeling anything but numbness. He recognized a presence on his side, and he turned around for a moment, meeting Adam’s imposing profile looking over at his friend.

-He’s gonna do it – he said, low but convinced. Elliot blinked, too dazed to reason.

-What?

-What he said. Find a boyfriend, be happy. If he can’t do it, there’s no hope for the rest of us.

Elliot nodded. Adam was right, he couldn’t even imagine what kind of force would be needed to stop Gregory’s drive if he decided to do something.

-By the way – Adam continued, looking back at him – Betting on our relationship. Really not cool.

-I know, I know – he sighed, shrugging – It was stupid.

He seemed to think about it for a moment.

-I guess, well, I considered it – he admitted, looking down at the ground. If Elliot was in a normal mental condition he would have been surprised, but he was limper than an abandoned rope – But I don’t think he ever looked at me like that.

-I’m sorry – he uttered, failing to put a gram of actual empathy in the words.

-It wouldn’t have worked out – said Adam, brushing him off with a quick gesture – Still, not cool.

Elliot didn’t answer. They heard Chantel saying goodbye to Rose some steps away. It was such a weird mood, even weirder than when they got there, they were all trying to put on their masks as best as they could. He followed Chantel with his eyes and he saw her walking over to Richard, not touching him but still apparently talking to him. Elliot squinted, confused, and he saw Richard scoff angrily at Chantel’s words.

-Have it your way then – she said, a light bite in her words – Good luck.

She marched towards a car, without so much as waving to him, and he stared at her as she drove off with her parents. He looked confused, but he shook his head and walked over to Philip.

-Don’t stare – Adam scolded him, and Elliot flinched, waking up from the trance he had fallen in.

-I wasn’t.

-You were – Adam shook his head – For real, don’t. You’ll just make it worse for him.

Elliot furrowed his brows confused, and Adam blinked as if he didn’t understand why Elliot was confused.

-I know you’re dense but come on – he said. Well, Leo also said he was dense, but what was he missing now, what did Richard have to do with anything? Adam looked like he wanted to say something, but suddenly a car honked loudly and he turned – Oh, that’s my ride. Well that’s a goodbye then.

He wrapped an arm around his shoulders in a fraternal hug, and Elliot reciprocated, although still dazed.

-Despite everything, it was nice meeting you – he sighed, and Elliot agreed quietly, watching him as he said goodbye to the others and then walked to the car. Was he gonna miss them? He made friends there: Adam, Jo, Alex, sure, he really hoped he could still have some kind of bond with Alex even after that was over. Speaking of Alex, he appeared like he was going now, but he ran to him looking exceedingly cheerful.

-Something amazing just happened! – he announced. Elliot was decently surprised to see him in very masculine clothes, he expected him to pretend, like they were all doing at the moment.

-What?

He needed any good news he was gonna get.

-My sister came to pick me up – he said, tears dwelling in his eyes – And she’s with mum, and mum said that she’s so sorry and look – he continued, showing him something – She bought me a tie!

Elliot melted in an honest smile.

-Good for you – he said, patting his shoulder. Alex tilted his head slightly.

-I know it’s rough – he sighed – You had so little time…

-We don’t – he blurted, and he looked around. He had to say it, he had to tell someone – I can’t let him go. We’re running away. Together. Somewhere.

Alex blinked a couple of times.

-You’re… eloping?

-I’ll pick him up tomorrow – he explained, fumbling between the words – And we’ll just run. I don’t know Alex, I just… I’m in love with him.

Alex smiled bright, so bright, and hugged him. Elliot was so confused, but he knew it was true. He burned those words, and they were so undeniable it hurt.

-Please be careful – he said, almost tearing up. Elliot nodded.

-We will.

-And I want to be at your wedding – Alex joked. Elliot couldn’t help but smile weakly, and that was when he realized that he took over the conversation like and absolute moron.

-I’m so happy for you though – he said – You’re going to be all right.

-I’m happy I met you.

-Me too.

He really said it, didn’t he? But with Alex it was fine. He said one last goodbye to him, watching him go. There were some minutes of hugs and goodbyes, and he was sorry he couldn’t feel them as much, he didn’t even really made sense of the fact he would have never seen Cadhla again in his life when she was already in the car. That was unacceptable. He looked behind him and saw Richard and Philip talking, and at that point he ran to the church. He had to say goodbye. He couldn’t do it.

He ran, feeling his heartbeat drumming in his ears, he ran down the stairs and once down he hit the door with both fists as hard as he could, and he immediately heard a startled noise coming from inside.

-Listen to me – he panted – Are you listening?

-I am – Leo answered weakly from the other side. Just hearing his voice was reassuring.

-Tomorrow morning I’ll come and pick you up – he continued, having to restrain himself from shouting, hitting the door again – Do you get it?!

-I do, you moron! – Leo answered, sounding almost angry.

-Wait for me – he said, weaker – Promise.

-I promise – Leo said, soft – I’m sorry…

-Don’t – Elliot interrupted him – I have to go now, but I’ll be here. I promise.

-I know.

Elliot opened his hands against the door. He knew he told the truth to Alex. He sighed and went back up the stairs, walking in the open once more. He sensed some sort of prickling on his neck and swiftly turned to see Richard’s eyes piercing him deep, but in a different way than Philips’. They were wide open, they weren’t hiding. He wanted to get closer, he felt the overwhelming sensation that he needed to talk to him, but he didn’t even know what to say. He tried to open his mouth, to tell him at least something, that he never meant to hurt him, that he could be so much happier, that he was an arsehole, but before he could speak he heard a painfully familiar roar. He didn’t even need to check who it was. He took his bag, and mechanically hugged the people who hadn’t left yet, not giving Richard a second look.

He got in his brother’s car, silent, and he was immediately taken over by the smell, that fresh, almost therapeutic scent of luxury. He wasn’t used to it anymore, and maybe he shouldn’t have been getting too used to it again. His siblings seemed so proud of him, and they talked about how happy they were to have “choked the weed just in time”. He almost didn’t talk during the whole ride, and decided to pretend to sleep for a good part of it, but by the time they were back to Edinburgh he was more nervous than ever. They had organized a party for him, as he had suspected, but it was like watching a montage from a movie. The house was big, pleasant, it smelled good and everything sounded good and looked good. But he felt a gaping hole in his chest and he couldn’t bear it. Even his room was somehow sad, tidy, white, out of a catalogue. Was he ready to leave all that for Leo? Was it worth it? He was completely aloof, he’d been for hours, every conversation was an echo and all of a sudden he was so tired, like all the weigh of those two weeks fell on his back. His family left him alone for a whole ten minutes before dragging him to some sort of celebratory dinner. What could he do? What could he tell them, could he try to explain what happened then? Maybe they could be understanding.

-I’m happy to have you back, son – his father told him at a certain point during dinner – What did you learn this summer?

Elliot didn’t immediately answer. Maybe they couldn’t, after all. But he wanted them to understand, he wanted it so much.

-I learned I’m gay – he decided to say. The buzz he’d been hearing for hours ceased, air falling silent, and Elliot finally snapped out of the fog.

-Well, you were – Vanessa corrected him with a polite laugh – You must have been redirected.

-I don’t think I’d know if I hadn’t gone – he said, now he couldn’t go back – So thank you, in a way.

-What are you trying to say? – his father asked, almost inspecting him. He was so anxious, but it just felt right. If he was gonna go away the day after he at least had to explain it. They didn’t seem to be understanding, and deep down he knew they weren’t gonna be, but maybe, just maybe.

-I’m coming out – he explained.

-This isn’t funny – Claude said, and Elliot shook his head.

-Not at all – he answered – But not worse than these two weeks.

-Elly… - Vanessa called him, sweet, with a slight strain of warning in his voice. How could he think they would understand, they sent him to a gay conversion camp. He stood up. He knew that was how people usually came out, standing up.

-I am gay – he repeated, spelling the words out as if to a group of elementary school children. It felt so good to just say it, he wanted to shout it – And this whole… camp bullshit made me realize it.

-It should have gotten you out of it – Ernest shook his head.

-Well it failed – he sighed, surprised at himself at how controlled he sounded – Not surprising, really, you don’t close five gay boys in a room and expect them not to hook up.

His father got up as well, and all of his confidence faded.

-I truly hope – he growled – You’re just trying to make a really bad joke.

If he just said yes, that he was kidding, or that he was going to try and supress that side of himself everything was gonna be fine. He would have been grounded, surely, but he could still hope to lead a normal life. But did he want that? Did he want to hide that side of him forever?

-I wish I were – he answered, cautious – God knows I do. And I know you don’t… agree. But it’s me, so…

-What does that mean?! – his father shouted, and Elliot felt like a fuse blew in his head.

-It means I’m your son!

-You’re not my son. You’re my greatest failure.

Elliot was about to answer something, but he heard his sister crying, and he looked at her.

-Nessa, why…

-I thought you were normal… - she sobbed – I thought we did it.

That cut deeper than he expected it to. He had always been Vanessa’s darling, and seeing her so distraught upset every part of him even more.

-I am… - he tried to say, but his father interrupted him.

-Go to your room – his father said – Immediately.

Elliot gulped and hesitated, taking a step back from the table.

-I’m still your son – he said – And your brother.

-Immediately!

He gave his father a darting look. His eyes were so different from Philip, icy disgust was instead uncontrolled anger. It was scarier, much scarier. He walked up to his room. Well, at least he knew he could go without remorse. But that hurt so much. Even Vanessa… he really hoped Vanessa was gonna be understanding, she was the one who saw him but they were so close. He really hoped… He tried his best to ignore the scorching tears cutting his cheeks as he looked for a backpack. They wouldn’t have missed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thank you for reading! Second to last chapter, pretty intense one I'd say. Maybe I wrote the Nightrays as a bit insensitive, but in my defense they wanted to kill Leo in canon, so I'm gonna give myself a pass (¬ ¬ ) . I'm gonna hold literally every comment for next time, and I'll write an interminable author's note. Goobye for now, see you all amazing people on the last update!


	15. Sunday

After his less than impressive coming out Elliot remained locked in his room. He started preparing his backpack, but then he stopped, deciding instead to sit on his bed and wait. Somebody had to come talk to him, after all. He just came back from two weeks of hell, no matter what he said, somebody had to be merciful enough to tell him something. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He waited, staring at the door. Somebody, anybody. Not even to apologise. Just to see how he was. They had to care about him enough to check on him, surely. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out, like it could break the moment. He fell asleep sitting on his bed, head against the wooden headboard.

He woke up altogether, frantically thinking that Adam’s alarm hadn’t rang, before realizing that he was not in that bed anymore, although his body was just as cramped. He looked down at his bed, messy but not undone, and at the door. He cleared his throat. Was it possible that nobody came to check on him all night? He looked down at his clothes, the same clothes as the night before, crumpled and drenched in sweat. Well that settled it. He wasn’t going to go out of the front door, that was for sure, he had to climb out of the window. But that was a minor issue, he knew the safest way to climb down of his room, he already did it a couple of times when trying to run away from his father’s obsession with training dogs. He lifted his mattress and took out all of his cash, shoving it in the backpack. He headed for the window, but he couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

-Oh Jesus – he couldn’t help but say, meeting his uncombed hair and crinkly shirt. His voice came out hoarse and rough. Well that wasn’t going to work, how could he go save Leo when he looked homeless? He didn’t look a bit better than he did those previous days, he couldn’t even remember if he took a shower the night before. Not that Leo cared about. He absentmindedly started changing while keeping an eye on his watch. His family probably did care about how he looked though. Maybe they were going to come inside his room right now. And ask him what he was planning. Right now. Stupid Elliot, he had to stop hoping for it, they were note going to come, they are not going to care. They were gonna barge in hours later, with another clever idea ready for him, but he was going to be far away, very far away from them.

His hands barely got scratched climbing down the wall, and the rose he picked up from the garden didn’t sting him.

The countryside was familiar, painfully so. He passed that exact same countryside just the day before, with Ernest and Vanessa, who came to pick him up. But now he was alone, driving his own car up the dirt road, recognizing the trees. It was about the hour he expected it to be. He could not believe he had run away from home, and he was actually going back to Leo. It just hit him halfway through his quest, when it was far too late to back down. Every movement had been so mechanical, he hardly felt like a human anymore, just a scrambled recollection of experiences with a heartbeat way too fast to be healthy. He gave his family a chance, and they didn’t take it. And now he was there, he was so close, and the feeling of putting to work that absolute madness was nothing short of hysterical. He saw the shape of the church in the distance and his heart throbbed. So close, he was so close. Leo had to be there. His car climbed up the hill, as he balanced his feet on the pedals, keeping his shudders under control. It had to go right. He had given up everything else in his life. This had to be perfect. The patio was closing in his view, looking dreadfully empty.

He pulled over, stopping where his family stopped the first time. It was empty. He got out of the car, leaning back on the door. So he hadn’t waited for him. He felt his heart torn off of his chest. But he promised he would be there, why would he have lied? And more importantly, what could he do now? He was alone, he ran from home and definitely couldn’t come back, he hadn’t worked a day in his life. And he had truly hoped Leo was there. He was an idiot, a moron, why would Leo trust him, of course he ran away by himself. Of course, why risk everything to pursue a maybe successful relationship with somebody he barely knew. What an idiot.

Someone ran out of the church, and Elliot’s heart skipped a beat. Leo turned to him and covered his mouth with a hand, trying to bury the loud sob escaping from his throat. He was holding a bag in his hand, and he looked so straight out of a Dickens’ book that Elliot didn’t resist the urge to chuckle. He stood up from his leaning stance against the car, and Leo started walking towards him, quickly changing his steps into a run. Elliot opened his arms and Leo flung into his embrace. Elliot lifted him off the ground and let his breathy, genuine laugh fill his ears and everything inside him. He kissed him, and everything was in place. He stroked his cheek and saw Leo’s eyes full of tears.

-You actually came – he whispered – For me.

-I promised – he answered with a smile. Of course he came. He loved him. Leo mirrored his smile, lips slightly parted and chest rising and falling in sync with his quick breaths.

-I love you.

Elliot held him closer and kissed him again, adrenaline rushing in his veins as he held tight on his waist. That was real, they were there, and they were together. He heard scandalized gasps from the church. He reluctantly parted from Leo’s lips and saw all the congregation on the patio, looking at them like they were some sort of exotic animal.

-Get in – he urged Leo, pushing him in front of the car and pointing at the other side. He saw Philip, right out of the church, looking bewildered at the two of them. He couldn’t help but feel chills down his spine as Philip’s icy eyes pierced him one last time, and at the same time a fire possessed him at the wild realization that he was literally kidnapping Leo from him. Elliot opened his door and jumped in, and started the car in such a rush he was surprised it didn’t die on him. But instead it started, roaring with such might he was almost proud of it, and he drove down the hill. He was so excited, so pumped. Leo was sitting in his car next to him. He was there, he was actually there.

-You think Philip saw us? – Leo asked, sounding breathless.

-He did – he answered, accelerating like he was he was in a car chase – I saw him. Do you think someone’ll look for you?

-They won’t – Leo reassured him. Elliot slowed down. They sat in silence for a couple minutes, just enjoying the reality of the fact they did it. Until the silence went from electric to awkward.

-This is a beautiful car – Leo commented, shifting in his seat. The embarrassment was palpable, and he was having a hard time thinking about how to tone it down.

-It’s nice – he agreed, looking around trying to remember where to turn until the phone could finally get some cover and tell him that – At least it’s fast.

Leo nodded and looked out of the window. They were darting down the hill, and Elliot could see the main road not far down. For a second he thought he was gonna have to wash that car once they stopped. Leo sighed.

-Your hair is messed up.

-You’re the one to talk – he answered without much feeling, not taking his eyes off the road. Leo smiled.

-So… - he said, looking back at him – Where are going?

-York, for now – he answered, nodding in the direction of his struggling phone, who was having flashes of conscience – For lunch and because I have to withdraw all my money before they cut my card.

Leo let out an incredulous laugh, settling in the car seat, leaning back.

-And then? – he whispered. The phone finally started to get the internet connection it needed as they got closer to the main road. They weren’t far from York, they were gonna be there just in time for lunch.

-We could drive down all the way to Oxford – he suggested – But I don’t have any hotel on hold.

-Oxford? – Leo inquired.

-I’m not giving up my education for you – he shrugged.

-Oxford… - repeated Leo, pensive – I could try getting in there, I hear it’s quite good.

Elliot scoffed, but he couldn’t hold a smile back.

-Why are you smiling like a moron? – Leo asked, leaning even more on the seat. Because they were actually eloping, because he fell his chest swelling with emotion.

-Because I had more cash than I thought at home.

Leo laughed.

-That makes one of us.

-Wanna pass by London to pick something up? – he offered – We could spend the night there.

-I don’t have anything I have to pick up – Leo sighed – Oxford is good.

They reached the main road, the phone was finally getting reception and pointing the right way to York. Elliot adjusted at a cruising speed. Once he was safe and sound on the road he put a shy hand on Leo’s thigh, and he felt him tense under his fingers.

-I’m not sucking your cock in the car.

Elliot rolled his eyes.

-I’m not asking, idiot.

Leo giggled and held Elliot’s hand.

-We’re gonna be fine – he said. And Elliot knew he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this, but it's done. I hate this chapter by the way, the first part is just a mess, writing endings is really not my thing and I'm very bad at it. Onto the gratitude. I didn't think I was gonna publish this fic, and it's surreal to be done with it, no more rewrites, no more tweaks. And the turnout has been honestly unexpected, I didn't think it would get to even a hundred hits, it's so fucking niche, but I was wrong, and I'm just so happy and grateful that I was! I have to give the biggest thanks to who commented, because the adrenalin when I see something in my inbox is borderline embarrassing, to who left kudos, and also to who read without any interaction, because I know that you still read this and I couldn't be happier. Thank you so much, really, it's been a true pleasure, I hope you liked reading this half as much as I liked writing it. See you in the future!  
> PS: okay I actually wrote a sort of continuation of their first night in Oxford, but it's rated R and I didn't wanna up the rating of the whole thing, maybe I'll post is separately making it part of the same series. I'll decide.

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter done! Let me know what you think, and since English isn't my first language let me know if there are any mistakes! Thank you very much!


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